Liveblogging "One Life To Live": The new gay signal

Confused if the guy you're trying to cruise is family? Now there's a simple way to find out. Hand him a gun and have him barrel through a door. If he points the gun down to crotch level (as Oliver Fish is prone to do) ... he's yours for the taking! Go for it!

All this week we should see police cop Oliver ratchet up the action as he tries to bring down the dastardly Mayor. Join us for the fun, and refresh for updates!

2:00PM EST: I'm loving the ads for that General Hospital "Something wicked this way comes/A fair is a veritable smorgasbord-orgasbord-orgasbord .... OF DEATH!"

2:05PM EST: John and Oliver barrel through the mayor's door to find ... Tucker Carlson? Or maybe a hot, young Orville Redenbacher.

2:15PM EST: David shows up at the debate with his camera crew (including a criminally shirtful Ford) and stand besides Viki and declares "My money's on you, Victoria Lord Riley Burke Riley Buchanan Buchanan Carpenter Davidson Banks". Ha!

The Mayor shows up at the debate, while John and Oliver try to get info from Pee-Wee Herman's hot cousin.

Starr and the baby are about to be taken away by some Russian dayplayers, meanwhile Nora and Tea are about to have it out in the jail cell.

2:25PM EST: The debate starts, and Viki is slamming the Mayor when Ford and his camera catch Oliver and John coming in. David tells him to keep filming John, because the "camera loves him". Really?

2:35PM EST: Now comes the comedy portion of our show, with a confused and chaotic fight sequence. After Sean saves Todd from being shot by shooting one of the Russians, Todd grapples with another Russian, as yet another Russian enters the baby's room . Sean busts in and says "step away from the crib", and knocks the Russian out. Unfortunately, the other Russian (the one who was shot by Sean initially) stumbles in and shoots Sean. Meanwhile, the head Russian takes a potted plant and smashes it on top of Todd's head. So ... this is how the Russian Mafia works?

The Mayor is blasting John at the debate when John nonchalantly walks up and says "how's it hanging, mayor?" The Mayor says "um, we're in the middle of something", and John responds "Not any more. You're under arrest!"

2:45PM EST: With Sean out of commission, the Russians take the baby.

As John puts the Mayor in cuffs, he says "you're making a huge mistake, McBaaain!". When he brings up the drug problem in the city, John says "yeah, let's hear what you really have to say. Fish, hit it!". Oliver turns the speakers towards the crowd, and plays the recording of the Mayor threatening Cole's life.

2:55PM EST: Everyone is stunned at what's happened with the Mayor, but there are bigger problems with the Russians, as they leave with Starr and Hope, but not before blasting Sean away a few more times, in a scene that, I hate to say, is a little unintentionally funny.

We end with Starr and Hope in a dirty warehouse, surrounded by Russians (Hmm ... reminds me of a movie I watched last night)

Preview Time: Oliver didn't have much to do today, but hopefully that'll change. Tomorrow we'll be liveblogging the events in Oakdale, but we'll be back here Thursday!