The second season of Bravo's reality competition Shear Genius started last night, and I should start with a confession: I'm a Shear Genius virgin. I didn't seen any of the first season, because frankly, I've never been that interested in hairstyling (although they do sort of vaguely remember me every time I walk into Supercuts). But I figured that if I could recap an entire season of Step it Up & Dance while personally owning two left feet, then I could give this a shot.

The first thing I noticed while watching was how much it follows the Step It Up formula. The stylists are given a "shortcut" challenge to start, then an elimination challenge at the end, with someone getting immunity for the next week's show, and someone "getting cut" (this show LOVES "cut" puns). Because it follows the Step It Up formula so rigidly, the only thing I could think of was "I wonder which contestant is going to turn out to be this show's Miguel?"

As I watched, a horrifying realization occurred ... most of them are Miguel.

After we meet the twelve contestants (three of whom are openly gay men), host Jaclyn Smith (who of course is best known for her iconic role in Charlie's Angels, but will always hold a special place in my heart for starring in the 1984 TV movie The Night They Saved Christmas, in which Santa's North Pole village is attacked by an oil company that wants the crude under his workshop), introduces the permanent guest judge, "master colorist" Kim Vo.

The shortcut challenge involves cutting hair while blindfolded, which could have caused serious injury (not to mention serious lawsuits), and the one thing that kept running through my mind through the segment was "I wonder how much the people getting these blind haircuts got paid?"

After that challenge, we get to the main event, which is about crafting a modern hairstyle based on a classic cartoon character. The choices are Betty Boop, Wilma Flintstone, Marge Simpson, Lucy Van Pelt, Judy Jetson, and best of all, Jem!. Unfortunately, the truly outrageous 80's star was snapped up by two of the female stylists, so we'll never know what the gay guys could have done with it.

It's during the two challenges that we get the "Miguel" moments, mostly from a contestant named Oshun (which is pronounced "ocean"):

"What makes me unique is Oshun got the potion for the motion when I touch your hair, and I do the flair, cause I'm Oshun ... and I'm deep."

"I'm going to let my imagination just run wild, and I'm going to let my hand just move through the hair like Oshun ... cause I'm deep"

"The best always finish last ... but then I'm going to be first"

Okay, what the hell does that last one even mean?

After the break, meet our three gay stylists, and find out who was "cut"...

Even though it looks like he got stuck halfway through a werewolf transformation, I think Paulo is my favorite of the out stylists. Why? because he didn't get on my nerves as much as the other two. In the cartoon challenge, he picks Judy Jetson, but his end result looks more like Tiffany: The Mall Tour Revisited. (Actually, Tiffany did voice Judy Jetson in a movie, so maybe it was appropriate.) The judges like it enough, though, so Paulo is safe this week.

Daniel is the second out stylist, and I like him, too, even though he speaks like he's reading from the liner notes of the script of Steel Magnolias. But he's sweet, and very exuberant, and I think he is the eventual winner. His cartoon character was Wilma Flintstone, and he created a modern version that was very hot and very cool. He ended up winning the night's competition, and winning immunity for next week.

And then there's Charlie. I honestly don't know if Charlie is really this obnoxious, or if he's just trying too hard to be the gay villain. He starts out by saying "I don't give a f**k if they like me or not," and "I have an eye like no one else, and I'm ruthless." Unfortunately, when he says "ruthless", it sounds exactly like Snagglepuss, and sort of loses its menace. His cartoon character was Marge Simpson, and even though the challenge was to create a modern version, his model's hair looks exactly like ... Marge Simpson. When I saw it, I immediately thought of that urban legend of the woman with the beehive hairdo, who woke up one morning to find thousands of baby spiders crawling through it. Amazingly, the judges loved it, and he made it to the top three, which means he's safe til next week.

So that means our three out guys made it through, and Daniel won the night (and is in good shape to win the whole thing). Alas, poor Oshun was eliminated, which is a shame. Not only will we not to get hear endless Ocean puns, but he was the only black stylist in this competition. But don't worry about him, because as he says, "Even though Oshun got washed out, I'm going to move on, because I'm Oshun, and I'm deep". You can see his good-bye video below.

That's it for the first episode. In previews, we can look forward to "Game on, bitches!", "It's the Charlie's Angels challenge!", "It's The Real Housewives of Orange County!", "I'm gonna pop you on the head if you don't shut up!"... and lots of tears.