"Shear Genius" (2.08) recaplet: Salon of the Damned

W.C. Fields once famously said "Never work with children or animals". Well, after this episode of Shear Genius, the stylists have now done both.

There are five stylists left: The out steel magnolia Daniel, the out Half Transformed Werewolf™ Paulo, the out bane of my existence Charlie, the out Dee (who I still think is going to win the whole thing), and straight pixie chick Nicole.

Host Jaclyn Smith informs the stylists that for this week's shortcut challenge, they'll only have thirty minutes to give their clients a haircut, and the clients will get to choose which stylist they want to work with. She opens the door, and a swarm of screaming little creatures descend on the stylists, and I swear, the first image that went through my mind was of David Cronenberg's classic The Brood.

Next on FOX: When Dakota Fannings Attack!

Turns out that they're actual, legitimate children, specifically a bunch of six-year-old girls who the stylists will have to cut for their debut in the first grade.

Wait a minute ... styling hair for six-year-olds? Did these people never hear of a little invention that was an integral part of my youth, and that I still gaze on lovingly every time I visit my parent's house? I speak, of course, about The Flowbee.

Sadly, the Jack E. Jett muppet didn't last long on Sesame Street

All kidding aside, these little girls turn out to be cute and adorable. I was a little taken aback when one of the girls said her favorite celebrity was Paris Hilton, then I remembered she was six years old, and probably still had her baby brain cells. I hope she's been told that when she loses one and puts it under her pillow, she'll be visited by the truth fairy, who will explain to her that not every thing that glitters is a prize.

The winner of the shortcut challenge is Daniel, who shamelessly (and hilariously) uses his client to kiss up to Jaclyn. Paulo sees right through it, and in one of my favorite lines of the night, says "That's one way to impress the judges. Next time you see my model, she's going to look like Kim Vo".

Tallulah Bankhead is Bette Davis as Gloria Swanson in George A. Romero's Salon of the Living Dead

Back at the house, the stylists decide to have a little fun at the expense of their eliminated competitors, with an impersonation show. Dee does a great Oshun, and I wish he hadn't been eliminated first, just so I could count how many variations of "I'm Oshun, and I'm deep" we'd be up to by now.

Charlie does a passable Nekisa, but he's really working my last gay nerve on this episode, so nothing he does is anything but an annoyance.

Nicole does a wicked Meredith (with the crazy eyes), but my favorite is Paulo, who does a spot-on Matthew.

In case you don't remember, Matthew was one of the straight stylists, who took every opportunity to remind everyone of his heterosexuality. Especially when he was eliminated, and went on a vaguely disturbing rant about how happy he was to be eliminated, because now he could get back to his wife ... his perfect wife ... his perfect wife who loved him perfectly. It was strange, and creepy, and had a definite Lars and the Real Girl vibe to it.

The next morning, Rene Fris (who I fall more in love with every week) announces "We have a special tweat for each of you. Your clients half seen you at your worze, and now, they want to see you at your bess. Your challen is to update your client's cuwent hairstyle to something they can be wery pwoud of. And then, we'll all go wabbit hunting!"

Okay, he didn't say that last part, and while it may seem that I'm making fun of Rene's fractured accent, I can assure you that I would love nothing more than to hear him whisper sweet nothings in my ear in the mawning.

See what the elimination challenge is, and find out if our gays survived, after the break.

Charlie is horrified when his cootie leaps from his body and attacks his client's head

The clients come in for the elimination challenge, and there's yet more screaming when it's revealed that they're the loved ones of the stylists. We have Dee's mother (who's a dead ringer for her), Nicole's mother, Daniel's mother, Paulo's cousin, and Charlie's sister (who, amazingly, is not a Sleestak, as I assumed his family was).

The twist is that the family members will be cut by other stylists, and Daniel chooses Nicole's mom, and pairs up his mom with Charlie, Paulo's cousin with Dee, Nicole with Dee's mom (and Nicole isn't happy about that), and Paulo with Charlie's sister.

Paulo starts on Charlie's sister, and receives his first indignity of the night when the graphic underneath him when he's speaking says "Parker", which was the name of one of the eliminated competitors (um, don't they have people who check that?).

When the clients are finished, they're trotted out for the judges, who not only critique the haircuts, but also ask the stylists how they think their competitors did with their family members. Everyone is pretty much diplomatic, except Charlie. When he's asked if he thinks Paulo did a good job with his sister, he can't help but sneer and bark "No!". Stay classy, Charlie.

The results are announced, and the top three are Daniel, Dee and Charlie. Frankly, I don't think any of the styles this week were all that great, but TPTB decided that Charlie deserved to win for giving Daniel's mom a hair helmet. Of course, Charlie celebrated in his usual self-effacing, humble way:

"I won the challenge. I'm the only bitch that has won three. I don't think Dee was overjoyed. I was dancing around like a drag queen, and she just like, very manly shook my hand. I think that says it all, doesn't it?"

Yes it does, Charlie. About you.

In all honesty, even though he may be playing up the "villain" angle, I believe Charlie has some deeply rooted self esteem issues. Or maybe he's just a colossal jerk.

The bottom two are announced, and it's Nicole and Paulo. Both of their cuts were positively hideous, but I think Nicole's cut (of Dee's mother) was the worst. It looked like Lisa Stansfield without the spitcurl.

Been around the world and I, I, I, I don't like this haircut

Unfortunately, the judges don't agree with me, and sadly ... Paulo is sent packing.

*sigh* Well, my favorite stylist is gone (unfairly ... so what if his client's hair looked like it was cut by Joe Cocker wielding a weed whacker?), and we didn't even get to see the whole werewolf transformation.

Well, we're down to four. Two gay guys, a lesbian, and a refugee from Up With People. I still think Dee will win, and she and Daniel are the ones I'll be rooting for.

You can see Paulo's exit interview below, and next week, it's lots of gasps and hand clasping! And we'll be here to tell you how it all went down.