Everybody run! The gay-adjacent comedy queen's got a gun!

But we're getting a little ahead of ourselves. The second episode of the fourth season of Kathy Griffin - My Life On The D-List opens with Kathy in a quandary. She has to find some way to push her concert merchandise line, specifically the "everybody can suck it" t-shirts (apparently, they're not work and church friendly). She makes a deal with "Team Griffin" (her assistants Jessica and Tiffany, and her tour manager Tom) that if they meet a certain quota of t-shirts sold, they'll get a "bonus".

Kathy's original "bonus" offer is nixed by the staff (let's just say it would fit in nicely with the t-shirt theme), and it's decided that the team will get new Blackberries if they meet the quota. Since Kathy is always looking for novel ways to push her wares, she decides to give concerts in the home towns of Tiffany and Tom (and maybe unload a butt-load of merch).

Before leaving on that road trip, though, she makes a spectacularly D-list appearance on Tom Green's talk show. Yes, the Tom Green who was married to Drew Barrymore for five minutes and starred in the Razzie favorite Freddy Got Fingered. He has his own talk show ... on the Internet ... which he films from his home (what's next, Pauly Shore filming a sitcom from his mother's garage?).

While Kathy is being interviewed by Tom, rapper Coolio shows up for some reason to talk about his own reality show, which will be premiering on the Oxygen channel. Correct me if i'm wrong, but isn't Oxygen an even more estrogen-fueled version of Lifetime? Every time I happen to glance at Oxygen, they're either showing a Tori & Dean marathon, or they're airing some show about women who snap and put the beat down on men who refused to take out the garbage. So I guess a show about the guy who did "Gangsta's Paradise" is a no-brainer, right?

While talking with Coolio, Kathy has an epiphany, and comes to the conclusion that since Coolio can be a reality show star and a Grammy winner, why can't she? She immediately sets a plan in motion to make a CD and win a Grammy, and they decide to record it during a concert in her manager Tom's hometown of St. Louis.

The St. Louis trip has its up and downs for Kathy. She's a little perturbed that the Mayor has named it Tom Vize day, and at every talk show she and Tom go on to plug the concert, she's almost completely ignored. She gets her revenge later, though, when Team Griffin go to a local park with Tom's police officer brother Bob and play "cops & robbers" with Tom as the crook. Kathy, Jessica, and Tiffany put the beat down on Tom like he had forgotten to take out the garbage, and then they all visit a local gun range, where Kathy is horrified to discover Tom's affinity for shooting paper targets with her face superimposed on them.

After the break, Kathy meets some actual gays!

The next stop is Tiffany's hometown of Tracy, California. After a bizarre interview with a local TV reporter (and why are local tv reporters always so strange?), Kathy and Tiffany are interviewed by a local print reporter named Paul who is cute, but also rude and clueless:

Tiffany: Are you a fan of Kathy?

Paul: No.

Kathy: I'm not a fan of you either, Paul. I don't think your sitcom work is that great.

Paul: Well, I'm no Sally Weaver from Seinfeld.

Kathy: That's such a straight guy answer. Is that all you know me from, Seinfeld?

Paul: I know you were on Suddenly Susan too. I just did my research like five minutes before I came. That's how I work.

Kathy: Nice. That's how Christianne Amanpour does it at CNN.

Game.Set.Match - Kathy Griffin

We then get to my favorite scene in the episode. Everyone goes to a big fancy party for Tiffany, where she is presented with two high school boys named Mr. Gucci and Mr. Prada, and like Kathy, I was confused as to the point. Were they some kind of ... virginal offerings? What's even more surreal is when Kathy is given a present, and it turns out to be a handbag ... with a live chicken inside, which jumps out and starts running around. As people are screaming, someone inexplicably starts throwing around red cocktail napkins, and the whole thing was like a scene out of a Luis Bunuel film ... or 2000 Maniacs.

Later, Kathy meets up with two executives from the gay record company Twist, who talk about what it would take to win a Grammy. They decide on a title for the CD, For Your Consideration..., and Kathy says she's willing to do anything to impress the Grammy judges, even adopt a baby. A crack baby. A gay crack baby!

Kathy performs in Tracy, and the gay execs are pleased with the performance, so her Grammy prospects are looking up, and meanwhile Team Griffin are selling out the merchandise, so they are rewarded at the end of the show with their new Blackberries. Well, everyone except Tom, who's still holding out for Kathy's original offer.

Previews for next week ... OH MY EFFING GOD! We have the Pink Flight, Lance Bass, the Sydney gay Mardi Gras ... and Olivia Newton John! This may be the gayest hour ever presented on television. See ya next week!