"True Blood" (1.03) recaplet: Fever Dream

After watching the third episode of the HBO series True Blood, I've come to the conclusion that Ryan Kwanten's body deserves special consideration at next year's Emmy awards, and that Alan Ball has presented us with one of the most vampire-batcrap insane hours ever seen on TV.

We start off where we left last week, with Sookie paying a visit to her bloodsucking paramour, Bill, only to be confronted at his door by the Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living, And Became Effed Up Vampires.

There are three of them, sort of a Mod Squad: Vampire Edition (one white, one black ...one bald). There's Diane, who wears a gold lame dress and a wig stolen from Chaka Khan circa Through The Fire, Malcolm, whose head keeps distracting me (he looks like he overdosed on Ronco's Spray-On Hair ... seriously, I kept expecting Ron Popeil to come on screen to give the toll free number), and finally, there's Liam, who does things with his tongue that would make my lesbian friends reconsider their options.

They try to "glamour" Sookie (as you recall, it's sort of a vampire hypnosis), but are taken aback when she informs them that she's immune to it. Bill invites her in, and the trio reluctantly let her pass, but they can't help but be drawn to her "virgin blood", and as Diane attempts to bite her neck, Bill jumps and and proclaims "Stop! Sookie is mine!"

After the credits (and the cashier at Dollar General still won't look me in the eye after she heard me singing to myself "I wanna do bad things with you"), the trio toss Sookie aside as Bill establishes that she's there for him, and no one else. They're fine with it, because they already have a couple of "distractions" of their own: a haggard looking skank who, um, helps relieve Liam of tension, and a gorgeous slab of beefcake in cut-offs named Jerry.

It took me a few minutes, but then I realized that Jerry was played by Nicholas Gonzalez, who starred in the series Resurrection Blvd. and one of those Anaconda movies, but is best known to me for posing starkers for photographer Greg Gorman.

Nicholas Gonzalez

Malcolm makes a bee-line for Jerry, who is his personal blood bank, but when he sees that Bill is hungry, offers up the young hunk for him to feast on. Bill is about to chow down when Sookie reads Jerry's thoughts and realizes it's a trap. Jerry has "Hepatitis D" and intends to spread it around to as many vampires as he can in retribution for the death of someone named Marcus (who I gather was his boyfriend). Hepatitis D is the only blood-borne pathogen to which vampires are susceptible (it weakens them and makes them easier to stake), and when Sookie spills the beans, it's curtains for poor Jerry.

The trio hits the road (with the soon to be late Jerry and the mute skank in tow), and Bill tries to explain things to Sookie. He admits to having had a one night stand with Diane decades ago, which Sookie finds disgusting, and Bill explains that the reason the trio is so evil is because the three of them live in a "nest". According to Bill, "when vampires nest together, they become more cruel and vicious. They become laws unto themselves". Hmm ... sounds like The Surreal Life.

Bill explains that he's nothing like them, but Sookie is too skeeved out to even accept a good night kiss from him, and leaves Bill alone to suffer from Blue Blood.

 

Back at Merlotte's, Tara and Sam are lamenting the fact the Bill and Sookie seem to be growing closer, and Tara gets Sam to admit that he's got a "bone" for Sookie, but Tara tells him he's "barking up the wrong tree", because Sookie can't read Bill's thoughts, and that's the kind of man she's been looking for all her life.

Meanwhile, Dawn returns home, expecting to find Jason still tied to the bedpost, but is attacked in the bedroom by a mysterious figure wearing a kimono, stocking cap, and Playtex Living Gloves. He throws her on the bed as she screams in terror, but soon realizes that it's just Jason playing his favorite game, "Vampire Rapist". Jason, you're such a hoot!

Sookie arrives home to find Bill waiting on her steps (I guess her Gremlin is no match for his super speed walking ability) and she wants to know why she can't read his thoughts. We then get a vampire biology lesson, as Bill explains that he doesn't have brain waves, electrical impulses in his body, pulse, or heartbeat (so he's ... Joan Rivers?). Sookie says they should stop seeing each other, because she's been almost been killed twice in three days because of him, but Bill tells her "you'll never find a human male you can be yourself with". I don't think that's true. If Anna Nicole Smith was able to marry a man with no pulse or heartbeat, then Sookie should have no problem, either.

Will Bill and Sookie reconcile? Will Jason and Dawn move over to their second favorite game, "Terrorist Hostage"? And why does Lafayette have a Republican state senator in his bedroom? Find out after the break!

Back at Sam's house, he and Tara are having a heart to heart about why Tara is reluctant to go home (her mother's a drunk), and they talk about sex. It's been a while since both of them have had any, and ... well, you know where this is headed, right? Tara suggests they sleep together, and after thinking about it longer than any other straight guy who's ever lived ever would, Sam agrees.

Now it's time for my favorite scene, as we cut back to Jason (oh look, he's naked! Imagine that.) He and Dawn have more rough sex (and he's still wearing the Playtex Living Gloves!), when he imagines that it's Liam who's underneath him, and loses the wind in his sails. He tells Dawn that he can't get over the fact that she's been with a vampire, and after he insults her, she pulls a gun on him and tells him to get out. We then get a hilarious scene that's a triumph of editing, as we see literally every inch of Ryan Kwanten's body ... except for the important ones. We don't even get any floppage, which means he must have his junk taped down securely.

Jason goes home, and flips on the tv, but every show is about vampires, including a throwaway to a parody of Jan and Paul Crouch, as they interview the son of the televangelist who was killed in the last episode. I can't tell you how thrilled I was to see that Jan was played by one of my favorite B-move icons, the fabulous Kelli Maroney, the star of such 80's classics as Night of the Comet and Chopping Mall.

Meanwhile, Sookie has a wet dream about losing her cherry to Bill, and Tara is startled when Sam starts barking and growling in his sleep. Hmm...

Bill goes to see the trio, and warns them to leave him and Sookie alone, and that they're basically ruining it for everyone by acting so ... vampirish all the time.

 

Tara goes home, only to be confronted by her Margaret White of a mother, who rails at her for staying out all night and showing everyone her dirty pillows. She finally hits Tara on the head with a liquor bottle, which causes Tara to say "you're on your own, you crazy old fool", and she rushes over to Lafayette's house.

Her cousin invites her in, just as he's finishing up "business" with a state senator. Tara asks him if he's a prostitute now, and he says he's an "entrepeneur". He tells her that he's never going to get anywhere being a short order cook and working a road crew, and if he can use his body to get out of there, that's just what he's gonna do. He also has his own website, and sells ... pharmaceuticals ... on the side, including the natural Viagra, vampire blood.

Sam is reading the newspaper on his front steps when he's visited by that adorable dog that's been hanging around. He learns that there's a new Starbucks coming to Wha-Wha-Wha-What? ... wait a minute. Sam was playing with the dog ... the dog who's been protecting Sookie ... but I thought that Sam was...

Hmm...

Sookie and her Gran are having a talk about Bill, and the fact that she can't read him, and Gran mentions that Sookie's grandpa used to "know" things about people, too. She then speaks, somewhat ominously, about "God's purpose" and how He will reveal things when the time is right. And all through this, I kept thinking of Little Red Riding Hood, and Sookie looking at her like she wanted to say "grandma, what big teeth you have!". I definitely think the old biddy is hiding something, and may, in fact, turn out to be a wolf in Granny's clothing (not literally, but on the other hand ... maybe literally!).

 

Jason shows up at Lafayette's, which leads to the other inspired scene in this episode. He knows that Lafayette can procure things, and wants something to help him in the bedroom. Lafayette offers up some V-blood, but warns him to only use a drop or two. When Jason can't come up with the money for it right away, Lafayette proposes he work it off ... a different way. We then get the remarkable sight of Jason, in the tightest of tighty-whities, wearing a Laura Bush mask as Lafayette videotapes him dancing. Alan Ball, you are my hero.

The episode ends with Sam asking Sookie to go check on Dawn, who's late for work. She knocks on Dawn's door, and goes inside when she doesn't answer. Creeping into the bedroom, she sees Dawn's lifeless body splayed across the bed, and lets out a bloodcurdling scream.

So what did you think? We learned a lot on this episode, like Vampire physiology, and that Lafayette is a multi-talented businessman, and that Ryan Kwanten must have a "no weenage" clause in his contract.

On the Blood Work-devised vampire insanity scale of one to five Grace Joneses, this episode gets...

Five Vamps!