"Ugly Betty" (3.05) recaplet: Granny Pants

This week's episode of Ugly Betty includes angry sisters, dancing bullies, a tragic dating service set-up, and one tiresome guest star.

Experience the carnage after the break!

We open on a battleground filled with people wearing couture dresses and accessories, and my first thought was "ugh ... it's some kind of wingnut fantasy about what life would be like with gays in the military!"

Turns out that Daniel is preparing the Mode center spread, which he has named, I kid you not, "Love is a Battlefield". Sorry, Danny boy, but unless it includes a gold-toothed pimp and unintentionally hilarious dance moves, you cannot call it "Love is a Battlefield".

Wilhelmina enters with an entourage of puppies and children to sacrifice to use in her own center spread, and she and Daniel butt heads immediately. Claire (who's probably rueing the day she gave them both equal control) has to step in and mediate.

All of this is proving to be too much for Betty, who tells Daniel that with the extra workload, they need help. But who could they get?

Lindsay Lohan

Yes, its' the return of Kimmie (Lindsay Lohan), Betty's childhood nemesis. Among other transgressions, Kimmie pulled Betty's skirt down in the high school lunch room, revealing her bloomers, which led to Betty's nickname, "Granny Pants".

She begs Betty for a job, and after Daniel's clueless interference, is soon temping for the office. Her first day does not go well, as she calls Willi "Wilma-meena" (to her face), and fumbles her way through some slapstick at the board meeting.

Betty gets a perverse kind of satisfaction from all of it, and tells her family at dinner that it "kind of felt good". Hilda (who has decided that the easiest way to get over breaking up with Tony is to be pissed off about everything) agrees with her, but Ignacio tries to convince her to turn the other cheek and help the poor girl out. Shut up, Ignacio.

Ana Ortiz

Daniel and Claire have breakfast together (and one of the highlights of my week was watching the great Judith Light eating Boo-Berry cereal), and have a conversation about Rafa Jr.. Claire has some of his things that he left at her house, like baseball cards, and a lingerie magazine (strangely, though, the pages were stuck together).

Daniel is hesitant to discuss it, then admits that spending that brief time with his son/nephew made him realize how much he wants a family of his own.

Back at home, Justin is rehearsing for his audition to play Billy Elliot on Broadway, because as he puts it "A blue collar British kid from a coal mining town with a flair for dance? It's like it was written for me!" Hilda is working him pretty hard, and she tells Ignacio that she really wants him to do well, to help him forget the bullies at school.

Ana Ortiz, Mark Indelicato

At the audition, Justin recoils in horror when he sees that one of the other dancers auditioning is his school bully Randy, played by the Efron-esque cutie Max Ehrich.

The two of them have a personal dance-off, filled with spins and attitude, and try to one-up each other. Their resentment is short-lived, however, when they both end up losing the audition to another kid. Justin tries to console Randy, who angrily brushes him aside, but at school the next day, Randy breaks from the band of bullies to approach Justin and commiserate about losing the audition. Randy says "maybe we'll hang out sometime", which is teen speak for "I promise not to give you any more swirlies or atomic wedgies".

Mark Indelicato, Max Ehrich

Daniel has decided that the easiest way to fast-track the whole "family" thing is to try a dating service, and after receiving info about a possible match, decides to meet the woman for a romantic late night cruise.

He arrives at the dock, and sees his match-up, who is standing with her back to him (c'mon, you already know where this is going). She turns around, and in a "shocking twist", it's ... wait for it ... Willi!

*sigh* Okay, first of all, I can't believe they're still trying to work this chestnut. It was old thirty years ago when Rupert Holmes belted out "If you like Pina Coladas, making love in the rain", then found out that his lusty pen pal was his "own lovely lady".

Anyway, the boat takes off, and Willi and Daniel are forced to have dinner together. After they sabotage the ride, they take a long walk, and actually have a civilized conversation. Willi gives him some advice about what to expect with a baby, and they come to a sort-of-almost-kind-of truce about the magazine.

Vanessa Williams, Eric Mabius

Betty has taken her father's advice, and decided to take Kimmie under her wing. Unfortunately, Kimmie is a fast learner, and soon finagles some invitations to some of the hottest nightclubs, and insists on going with her new BFF Betty.

Betty is impressed and touched by Kimmie's newfound generosity, but is soon brought back to earth with the involvement of Marc and Amanda. Kimmie tries to gain favor with Amanda with a cookie, which works some kind of sugar magic, and soon they're raiding the Mode closet, and Kimmie undergoes a transformation, from caterpillar to skank.

She tells Betty that Amanda and Mark will be joining them for their big night out, which has Betty nervous, but Kimmie insists that she won't let them get in the way. Which lasts until the cab ride. Betty is forced to remain outside the club when there's no room for her, and as she's about to leave and go home, Kimmie rushes out and convinces her to hit some other clubs with her.

Becki Newton, Michael Urie

They make a pact to go into work late, but when Daniel phones Betty in the morning to find out where she is, she overhears that Kimmie has already arrived at work. Afraid that Kimmie is trying to usurp her, she rushes in to fins Kimmie playing innocent. Betty isn't buying it, though, and when she discovers that Kimmie has brought their yearbook to work for everyone to see, all the old insecurities flood back, and she ends up pulling down Kimmie's skirt in a preemptive depantsing strike.

Horrified at what she's done, she tries to make amends by touting Kimmie's tabloid abilities to Daniel (it seems that because of Kimmie's antics the night before, Mode is now fodder for the NY gossip rags). Daniel agrees that it's nice to have people talking about the magazine again, and decides to give Kimmie a promotion.

At the staff meeting the next morning, Daniel announces that Kimmie has officially been named an "Associate Editor", which has Betty shocked, but she's even more taken aback when Kimmie reveals that, thanks to Betty's help, she's now back to feeling superior to her, and makes it pretty clear that she's going to make Betty's life a living hell.

End of episode

Okay, wait a minute ... all that because she was made an "Associate Editor"? Isn't that on a par with "Elephant suppository inserter" and "Rush Limbaugh's boil lancer"?

(Brian: AHEM!)

Um ... anyway ... This episode started out great. I loved "angry Hilda", and I like the Justin storyline (I wonder if they're going to take his friendship with Randy further?).

On the other hand, no way did I believe that Willi would use a dating service, and the whole thing with her and Daniel was a bust.

Worst of all was the Kimmie/Betty disaster. I don't care why Lohan has been "let go", I'm just glad she's gone. She added nothing, and actually made Betty seem annoyingly shrill and strident. Good riddance!

Well, that's what I thought, anyway, What did you think of this week's episode? Let us know in the comments, and join us next week for what will probably (hopefully) be Kimmie's swan song!