"Ugly Betty" (3.14) recaplet: The Courtship of Betty's Father

This week's Ugly Betty wasn't the most plot-driven or dramatic of the season, but it did feature great spotlights for Vanessa Williams and (finally) Judith Light.

Let's take a closer look at the three storylines on this episode, involving someone's well-manicured sticky fingers, Olivia Newton-Bird, and "The Booty Bandit of Jackson Heights".

Confessions of a Kleptoholic: Claire calls Betty from the local Walgreens and asks her to bring some cash to help her out a jam. Apparently, she's has been accused of shoplifting a tube of Cover Girl LashBlast Mascara, and the silly security officer doesn't understand that "it's not shoplifting if you can afford the item but simply do not have the funds on you" (insert your own Winona Ryder joke here).

Betty rescues her, but it's obvious that Claire is starving for attention, and the fact that her sixtieth birthday is coming up probably doesn't help matters. Betty offers to plan a surprise party, complete with "tribute video", and Daniel lets her comb through the Meade family home movies, which contains such gems as "July 4th Barbeque-in-the-pool" and Claire diving into the Christmas tree. If only they had gotten her those Cha-Cha heels ...

After enduring that horror (which looks like outtakes from the Who's The Boss Christmas party), Betty decides to seek out Claire's snooty friends to pay tribute to her on video. Unfortunately, they have nothing but catty things to say about her (even guest star Liz Smith, who plays herself ... badly).

Things get tense when Claire decides to walk out of Forever 21 with a red thong she didn't pay for, forcing Betty to grab it from her before she leaves. Unfortunately, the alarm goes off, and Betty is accused of swiping the tiny panties (prompting the security officer to say she's either "deluded or has a lot of confidence" for trying to take them.)

Luckily, Claire comes back and confesses to the crime, and after a visit from the Meade lawyer, the store drops the charges. She tells Betty that she feels all alone in the world, and is acting out to feel alive, etc., blah, blah, blah.

She mentions that she knows about the surprise party, and really all she wants is to have some quality time with her son. Betty explains this to Daniel, who finally understands, and when he brings a reluctant Claire to Mode for her party she's stunned to find out that it's been canceled, and in its place is dinner for two, complete with happy family home movies.

Polly Want A Poisoned Cracker?: Wilhelmina is frustrated because she realizes she'll never have the kind of relationship with Connor that do-gooder Molly had. Marc recommends opening up a bit, and allowing actual human emotion into her relationship, but Willi doesn't do "intimacy".

Realizing drastic steps are necessary, she decides to take baby steps in that direction, which leads to my favorite scene in the episode. When Connor comes in to say goodbye before his business trip, Willi plays the "caring" card, and with Marc pantomiming instructions behind his back, she tells him she's "going ... to ... miss ... him", and when he mentions that she has an issue to put to bed, she says she'd "rather be in bed with you ... sharing ... feelings".

The fabulous way Vanessa Williams delivered the line actually made me laugh/snort. Give this woman the Emmy already!

In a last-ditch effort, she asks him if there's anything she can do for him while he's gone, and as a matter of fact, there is ...

Connor introduces her to Olivia Newton-Bird, the parrot he apparently has had for thirty years (he got it when Grease came out, and when he had a schoolboy crush on Livvy). Willi feigns delight, but of course she's exploding inside (especially when the bird keeps repeating the name "Molly" over and over).

Things get worse when Willi tells Marc she's not about to shout out "I love Connor" to anyone, which causes O.N.B. to start repeating the same thing ... and won't stop. After Marc refuses to abide her wishes to commit "burder", she resigns herself that Connor will find out the truth, and decides to come clean.

As soon as Connor arrives back, she blurts out "I love you!", which prompts him to reciprocate, and sweep her up in his arms.

Hellooo Nurse!: Betty and Hilda are ecstatic because Papi is doing so well after his heart attack, and because he really seems to be getting along with his new nurse Elena.

They don't realize how well they're getting along until Betty accidentally leaves the video camera on, and it catches Papi "en flagrante ass-grab-o" with Elena.

Betty sees it, and she and Hilda decide to talk to Papi and Elena about it, assuming that Papi was just getting handsey, and they don't want Elena to quit over sexual harassment.

On a side note, how slammin is Ana Ortiz in this dress?

Elena denies that anything untoward is going on, and Betty can't bring herself to ask her dad about it. Luckily, she doesn't have to, as later than night she catches the two of them kissing outside the door. Neddless to say, she's dumbfounded, and Hilda is furious. Both of them forbid Papi to keep seeing her, under the guise that it's "bad for his heart".

Of course, the real reason they have a problem with it goes much deeper than that, and something they reluctantly admit after being confronted by an angry Papi. They are uncomfortable with seeing him with a woman who's not their mother, and even though she's been dead for years, they still see it as something of a betrayal.

He tells them that their mother is still with him, and will never go anywhere, but he has to move on with his life, etc., blah,blah,blah. Betty speaks to Elena, who says she's never felt this way before about a patient, but she thinks what she and Papi has is real. Betty understands, and invites her to dinner. Hilda still gives her the cold shoulder, but it's obvious she'll eventually come around.

End of episode.

A couple of thoughts:

1. I loved that they gave Judith Light some time this week, but that story was contrived and frankly, I didn't buy any of it. They're making Claire into a wimp, and I don't like it. What they need to do is pit Claire against Willi more often and have them unsheath the claws at each other.

2. I'm already tired of the Daniel/Molly pairing.

3. I was going to start barking about the disappearance of Christina and the baby, but stay tuned next week!

4. And finally, remember this guy?

He's going through puberty without us! Lately all he does is pop in every now and then to deliver a sarcastic quip, then he pops out, like Uncle Arthur on Bewitched. Please, give him something to do!

Unfortunately, I can't score this episode very highly. I don't like how meek they've made Claire, and while the Willi/parrot thing was cute, it's not enough to overcome the obviousness of the Papi/Elena story. So, I'm giving this episode, sad to say ... a five and a half out of ten on the Marc fabulous scale. What did you think?