The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency (Episode 3.4): "Of Jockstraps and Parrots"

Out and proud Andrew Christian builds an empire

Last time on The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency ... More un-blurred gratuitous male nudity than the sum total of the show’s first two seasons, and a would-be cliffhanger involving Janice's new pet project, Dominique, who did not want to pose nude in front of the sweetest octogenarian art students this side of St. Olaf. The girl seems be a little slow on the uptake, as bad-boy model Brian Kehoe already told her that JDMA = nudity. Could it be any clearer?

As the first show of 2008 opens, we learn that Domie was allowed to keep her panties on and uses ridiculous props to cover herself. I could care less as it wasn’t like it was JP, CC or Dominic.  Once we’re done with Domi, we are taken back to the agency where Janice is having a casting meeting with Ashley Paige, a stylist turned mega-hip designer known for beyond expensive knit swimwear.

I carefully check all of Janice’s “clients” and follow up whether the show is being forthright about its claims and Janice is 100% correct here as this hippie-chick’s stuff is worn by every celebritard in Los Angeles, and her latest collection received a standing ovation during Mercedes Benz Fashion Week. A bunch of girl models are brought out and it’s clear that this woman knows what she’s looking for. She wants tomboys, freckles and skinny girls, and actually asks for "a stick" at one point. Is she looking for someone to wear a swimsuit or something for her dog to fetch?

After two agonizingly dull segments dealing with two of Janice's models' fear of nudity and love for Jesus, we visit the set of the new game show called Temptation, which is looking for a few good showcase models. I’d never heard of the show but can confirm that it premiered last fall and is still on the air. Janice surprises the models with a visitor named Phire Dawson. What a name! Miss Dawson works as a model on The Price Is Right, and is brought in to teach the models how to showcase prizes. Of course we have the obligatory montage of the models making fools of themselves trying to emulate her.

Temptation’s host is the frattish Rossi Morreale, who may be known as one of the "tempters" in 2004’s Temptation Island 2, a Fox reality show that “tested” four straight couples by takling them somewhere tropical, breaking them up, throwing a bunch of sexy eye candy their way, and getting them really drunk so that they’d hopefully cheat. I remember Rossi getting some, but I was clueless that he’d extended his 15 minutes to a multi-year arc, as he has hosting gigs on TV, was one 2003’s Sexiest Men Alive as per People magazine, gets to be on an episode on the JDMA.

Anyway, Michael, nudity-phobic Christian father of three, and a straight model named Christian Prelle get the gigs. Janice is overjoyed as it means a steady cash stream flow for them and her agency, especially if the show takes off. Who knew that you could make good money touching prizes?

Since I do work hard for the money, I found ample proof that Michael may not have any nudity issues to speak of, (nor Christian), as per the photo below.

Janice's straight angels doing some seriously edgy work

Don't ask about the photo as it may be a spoiler for a product to be featured in a future episode; however it is too stunning and telling to hold back. It is a series of photos was shot by "it" up-and-coming photographer Justin Monroe, whose last project involved a fetishized version of naked male roller derby. How's that for a visual? 

The next segment is by far the most gay-centric, not only because there is a bunch of naked models (mostly men), but because we are formally introduced to the agency’s first out gay couple.

It all starts with a casting for Andrew Christian underwear, which is launching its first line for women. Mr. Christian is out and very easy on the eyes, so it’s a slam dunk.

Janice brings out her stable of hunks and tells them to cut to the chase and take their clothes off. We see the usual suspects strip down, including JP. He gets asked by Andrew about his work with 2xist. JP reminds the audience that he does not have an exclusive contract with 2xist as they are all about Dominic right now. It looks to me like JP's association will work against him, and he does not get selected. JP's voice is so wispy that he sounds like a lost Jackson sibling. 

After JP comes Paul Anderson, representing one half of the above-mentioned out gay couple, who just happens to be wearing Andrew Christian underwear. Janice smiles, as Paul is no dumb blonde: this is the second time that he has worn the brand that the casting calls for. He admits to having every brand on call. Then we see Danny. Then come more hunks, including Rodrigo, and Shaun McCarron, the second half of the out gay duo.

For those having a hard time keeping score, Paul is the blond and Shaun is the brunette. After having an initial elimination round, it’s time for the remainder to try on the Andrew Christian gear. We then see a montage of all the models, including the girls, being photographed in different stages of nakedness.

Our gay Shaun is given a jockstrap, which he fills nicely. Janice feigns shock when she sees Shaun’s stuff and it is no surprise when he says that it was fun wearing the jock. It should also come as no surprise that he is chosen by Mr. Christian, as is his boyfriend Paul, Danny, and this half drugged-out looking model named Joe Montbleu. The girls cast are suspected cutter Alexis, Crystal, Lijia, and nudity-challenged Dom.

This shoot takes place in an even more spectacular home than the one used for whatever underwear brand was being shot on the previous episode. Everything about the Andrew Christian shoot is edgier than anything shown before. Before the bun/package/breasts parade begins, we get a sweet moment showing Shaun looking a little nervous as this will be his first shoot. When interviewed he says that he feels very happy that he and his boyfriend Paul are doing this job together. End of sweetness and on with the stylized sexual images that Andrew Christian is known for.

Danny is shown from behind wearing a dark blue bathing suit that fits him like a glove. Janice, wearing a very Joan Collins-esque bathing suit, plops her butt into the pool to check out the action close-up as a totally dolled up Alexis (not Carrington Colby, but the suspected self-cutter) is told to get in the pool and face Danny's package. Danny is then told by AC take his bathing suit off and get back in the same position. He looks magnificent but Mr. Christian must have noticed something and demands that someone shave Danny’s butt. Shaving butts on the JDMA and they did not include that in the previews? Paul takes care of it. What will gay viewers think? I would have kept Danny exactly as he was but then this is an industry that had Dominic shave his arms and knuckles for the sake of commerce. Please gays, give hair a chance!!!

Janice and Andrew Christian showing the boys how to walk on the runway

We now move into the boudoir. Danny is sporting a yellow number and is shown laying next to Shaun in white shag carpet. AC talks about wanting to appeal to every demographic including gay, and I give a Dee from What’s Happening/Courtney from Survivor: China double eye-roll as the collection seems to be designed just for us. In order to be demographically inclusive, the photographer asks straight Danny and gay Shaun to face one another very closely. Shaun is the one who is a little nervous and starts making some jokes about either Danny hitting him. The photographer asks them to look at each other as if they are about to kiss. Closer, closer, closer ... Shaun starts to fake kiss Danny and Danny pulls away from the carpeting but seems totally cool about it.

Danny and Shaun get naughty

Now we are off to Malibu for the Ashley Paige shoot. Janice arrives in the middle of the shoot and is asked by Paige to would pose with the girls in a bathing suit as she wants Janice to play to “sexy young mom” to these girls who are being so naughty. No! AP keeps nagging and nagging and nagging until Janice can’t take it anymore and agrees to try on the suit that Paige has selected for her.

Janice also tells AP to shut up as she’s annoying her as she sounds like a parrot. Then we get approximately 10 shots (no joke) of AP showing disbelief at the comment and tells no one in particular that her baby feelings are hurt. Man up woman! 

JD is on her last nerve, but joins the girls at the beach and starts giving them the look that AP kept asking for. Janice tires of AP's barking and tells her than in her 30+ years of modeling she’s never heard such nonsense as she’s acting like a fool, and reminds her that she sounds like a parrot (this time, an old one in heat). Great cliffhanger as I want to see these gals use the Pacific Ocean to solve their creative differences.

I want to see an old-fashioned catfight!