IMHO "Brothers & Sisters" (3.20): "Missing"

You know what was really funny about this week’s episode? Nothing. That’s right, it was another completely humorless collective Walker mope-fest, as we dealt with the tedious fallout from Tommy’s AWOL act.

Personally, I would have thought the occasion of losing this ne’er-do-well asshat of a brother would warrant an all out celebration — why not a Mexican fiesta theme in honor of Tommy’s new country of residence? I mean, this family loves to celebrate every mundane milestone (ie. “Hey, let’s have a feast in honor of Kevin’s liver donation”), why not this one? I’m sure Scotty could whip up a banquet in his spare time. Don’t worry, though … they still manage to figure out a way to make Scotty wait on them.

By my count, there were exactly two marginally interesting things about “Missing,” and you’ll find out what they were below.

But first, I’m sure what you’ve most been concerned about these past several weeks is, “What’s up with Greenatopia?” And perhaps more urgently, “When’s Nora’s Cancer Center going to open?” Well, good news! They’re both up and running as of this week! And they’ve both got such pathetic, amateurish logos that I’m convinced they’re the work of the hot new graphic design firm P&C Designs (a.k.a. Paige and Cooper and a box of crayons).

Greenatopia’s offices open with little fanfare. But Nora’s Cancer Center has a big, fancy shindig, complete with Catering By Scotty, as L.A.’s rich and powerful gather to celebrate how the Ronald McDonald House is totally going to get its ass kicked by Nora’s slick new facility. Ha! Take that, Ronald McDonald families! You’re stuck with soggy fries and fish sandwiches, while we’re snacking on frou-frou canapes handcrafted by some gay guy. Bwa ha ha ha!

The opening of the Nora Cancer Center provides the dramatic nexus of several key plotlines …

At the start of the episode, Kevin and Justin break the news that Tommy’s gone fugitive. Nora is distraught that everybody seems to have written him off already. That’s because she hasn’t been reading all the spoilers we have, in which case she’d know they’ve written him off because he’s been written off.

But then she’s inspired by the Cancer Center’s new director, because everybody said her daughter wouldn’t survive but then she did, so this gives Nora hope that something can be done to help Tommy. Or something. To be honest, I wasn’t really following this part, having automatically nodded off whenever the Cancer Center Director was in a scene.

Anyway, Nora takes the occasion of the Cancer Center opening to try to persuade the Ojai board to ask the D.A. to drop the charges against Tommy. Who knew all it took to get out of punishment for embezzling and fleeing the country was asking really nicely? Do you suppose Bernie Madoff tried that? Then again, I can’t even get out of parking tickets, even when I say, “Pleeeeeese!”

The board doesn’t seem too keen on this idea. But then, surprise! They name Sarah as Tommy’s successor, and she, obviously looking for any reason to ditch the Greenatopia Wunderkinds, accepts.

You might think this is one of the two interesting developments I mentioned, but it only irritates me. Because all it really does is bring us right back to where we were a year ago. I wasn’t crazy about the whole Greenatopia thing, but I thought it was at least a step in the right direction in finally getting Sarah away from the ball and chain of Ojai Foods, and maybe she could then move on to something even better like, I don’t know, opening a restaurant with Scotty. Instead, she’s right back at Ojai. Just how much drama is a mom-and-pop canned fruit stand supposed to generate for one show? Gawd!

Anyway, President Sarah meets with the board and she’s all, “Don’t f*ck with me boys. It’s not good business for this company to pursue this lawsuit with my brother.” The board sort of hems and haws about this, but then, surprise! Holly says she agrees with Sarah. This was the part I found sort of interesting. It was a smart move on her part, well played, and it actually made me like her a bit more. Maybe she can open a restaurant with Scotty?

Meanwhile, Justin goes to see Rebecca and gives her his sad puppy dog eyes about wanting her back. She argues that nothing’s really changed for them; he’s always going to back his family, and this stuff with Tommy and her mother is still going to force them to take sides. However, she agrees to try “hanging out” a bit and see how that goes.

But when she asks if they can hang out at the Cancer Center Opening, he starts stammering, clearly worried that if she goes with him she’ll notice that Tommy’s gone AWOL. On the other hand, she figures his stalling means he doesn’t want her there because Tommy will in fact be there. When she asks about this, Justin doesn’t set her straight on this little misconception. Turns out those puppy dog eyes are lying eyes. And everybody knows you can’t hide your lying eyes.

At the Cancer Center Opening, Justin approaches Ryan, who helpfully offers him a glass of wine. Awk. Ward. And it only gets more awesome from there. Ryan wonders why Justin didn’t bring Rebecca along and says something about Justin obviously trying to hide Tommy’s fugitive act from her. Then he snarks about how lying about this stuff led them to break up the first time. Justin is all, “Dude, what are you doing here anyway, living in our house and mooching off my mother?” Ryan is all, “Right, dude, that’s usually your job.” Justin says, “Dude, just because our parents slept together doesn’t mean you belong here.” So Ryan bursts into tears and flees the scene …

… and flees right into Rebecca’s sympathetic arms. And he’s only too keen to break the happy news to her that Tommy’s gone AWOL and Justin’s been lying about it, not to mention going around blabbing that he and Rebecca are back together.

This stuff with Ryan was the second thing I thought was interesting about this episode. Ryan is proving to be quite the little bitch, isn’t he?. There’s totally Sammy Jo/Heather Locklear potential here.

Anyway, Rebecca is so grateful to Ryan that she agrees to help him on his little Trixie Belden investigation into his mother’s death. So they go sorting through William’s old papers and find evidence that he spent the night at a hotel in Reno with Ryan’s mother the night before she died. From this, Ryan makes some astonishing leaps in logic along the lines that this proves William did something to lead his mom to kill herself. Scratch that. Make it, “William killed my mother!” because that makes it sound so much more dramatic.

Finally, Kitty and Robert have the same argument they’ve been having for the past 327 episodes. Even they acknowledge it’s the same argument. Basically, he yet again disobeys her wishes, not to mention doctor’s orders, and starts actively campaigning, this time at Nora’s Cancer Center Opening.

Meanwhile, Kitty’s quietly been re-enacting the movie Little Children with some Cleft-Chin Single Dad at the playground. At first I assumed this guy would be her new love interest. But when he spied her mixed-race baby, he hightailed it out of the playground, so I thought maybe instead of a love interest, he’s just supposed to be some random racist. But it turns out he’s not a racist! He’s just a lonely widower! And he and Kitty meet cute at the Cancer Center Opening, where she asks about his wife, and it turns out she died of cancer. But that makes him a total chick magnet, especially when the chicks are in unhappy marriages, and Kitty spends the rest of the episode making doe eyes at him and talking about gas.

Then Robert, campaigning too heavily, keels over at the Cancer Center Opening. And the only thing that saves him is that Scotty is on hand to pour him a glass of mineral water. You know there’s something wrong with an episode when the most screen time Scotty gets is with Robert. Hence the down arrow.

"I'm just happy to be here!"

On the other hand, it’s kind of fabulous that when Kitty’s marriage finally ends, it means that the only healthy marriage left on this show will be the one with the gay guys. What’s all that stuff about how marriage between a man and a woman is the natural order?

Next week: there is no next week! Which means we’ll have to wait until April 19th for the Jason Lewis threesome.