IMHO "Brothers & Sisters" (3.21): "S3X

In a very special PG-13 episode bearing a title that inexplicably sounds like it belongs on a Vin Diesel movie, Kevin and Scotty grapple with a question that faces all gay men in long-term committed relationships: “Should we get a country house?” Oh, wait. Not that one. I meant this: “Should we invite your studly, closeted soap star ex-boyfriend into bed for a threeway?”

Yes, it’s the return of Chad! But the ABC gods are cruel, as they finally have Jason Lewis show up only to have him keep his shirt on the whole time. Boooo! Points off! Not to fear, though. There’s plenty more male torso on display this week, and that’s not even the only reason why I’m giving it an up arrow...

At the start of the episode, Kevin is helping Sarah shop for appropriate return-to-work attire, when across the street, who should he spy, but a certain leather-jacketed, white-T-shirted ex-BF, strutting along like he’s on his way to audition for Danny Zuko at a local dinner theater. The whole thing is so stiffly choreographed and contrived I half expected Sarah to start belting out, “My boyfriend’s back.”

Kevin is mortified and tries to get Sarah to turn away and avoid eye contact. But she gets herself a good eyeful of Chad and carries on about how “chiseled” he is, wondering if since he’s technically bi he’d consider dating a 40-something single mom. Kevin recaps how they broke up because Chad was such a closet case and an “emotional mess,” which is certainly rich coming from him. I mean, talk about the gay pot calling the closet case magenta. And wasn’t Kevin the one who totally freaked out when Chad finally came out and wanted to be his steady?

Naturally, Chad spies them and, with a big grin on his face, crosses the street. Kevin panics, then opens his arms and makes these “Oh, my, look at you!” gestures that people usually do when they see a friend’s toddler for the first time since he learned to walk.

Chad surprisingly dips Kevin back into paperback-romance-cover formation and plants a hot wet one on him, announcing it’s payback for being so closety back when they dated. I’m greatly impressed by this. I think all formerly closeted gay actors should have to go around kissing people in public to make up for it. And yes, I am talking about you, NPH. My lips have an appointment with Dr. Horrible and I want you to sing along.

Where was I? Oh, right. Kevin and Chad. Chad asks how Kevin is, and Kevin stammers, “I’m … I’m…” until Sarah helpfully supplied the word, “Married.” Heh. Chad is apparently unfazed by this, given he later phones Kevin at work. As we see, for Kevin, work these days amounts to reading homoesque men’s magazines with his feet up and answering the phone with his heel. Chad, who we learn is one of those self-centered a-holes who like to make personal phone calls from the gym while other people are waiting to use the same freakin’ machine (!), says he wants to see Kevin again, and Kevin stammers about the “married” thing. Chad’s all, “no prob, bring him along.” Goodness, whatever could he have in mind?

After work, Scotty’s barely through the door before Kevin blabbers on about getting tongued by his ex, who also wants to go out for drinks with him. I figured this would be when Scotty would launch into Joan Crawford levels of dramatic rage and jealousy, mostly because that’s exactly what I would have done. But I forgot we’re dealing with Saint Scotty who never gets upset about anything. The most he does here is say, “Oh?” with just a teensy bit of edge in his voice. But when he hears that he’s invited along too, he changes it to “Oh!”, now clearly into the idea.

At this point, I was guessing Scotty was dying for a chance to check out how badly Chad had aged and/or throw in his face how he’s the big winner in the “bag an attorney for a husband” sweepstakes. But again, that would have been me, not Saint Scotty, who, adorably, is simply excited about getting to hang with Tempest Island’s Doctor Philip in the flesh.

They meet up with Chad at a bar, and the date, all things considered, really couldn’t go better, thanks I’m sure to the copious amounts of alcohol they’re guzzling. Hilariously, Chad says that since coming out he’s been getting even more “masculine” roles, whatever that means. I’m guessing he’s finally been deemed butch enough to make the cut for Dancing with the Stars.

One of Chad’s recent “masculine” roles

Then Chad, one of those singletons who revel in rubbing married couples’ faces in how little nookie they’re getting now that they’re off the market, asks them about married life. Kevin says, “It’s just like Leave it to Beaver, only without the—” Woo-hoo! Primetime beaver joke! Extra points, ABC, extra points!

Shamelessly flirting, and obviously making up for all that lost time spent in the closet by double-teaming, Chad tells them they’re both adorable. Then he asks if they’d like to go back to his Place. Where he’s got a Pool. In case they’re missing his intentions, he says being married doesn’t mean they can’t Play Around.

So play around they do, at least with each other, as we next see Kevin and Scotty at home, pulling each other’s shirts off and making out hungrily. It’s almost as if they haven’t made out like this in an entire TV season. Then there’s an ominous knock at the door. Assuming it’s Chad come back to take advantage of two-for-one Tuesday, they briefly debate whether they do in fact want to invite him in. They’re both sort of, “I do, but only if you do too,” about it, but before you know it, Scotty’s opening the door …

… to find Sarah on the doorstep. And she’s got JBF hair! To explain what she’s doing there, I have to back up a bit and recap her story this week, which is basically something you’d find on the Lifetime channel if Lifetime had branched out into female-empowerment porn. And the name of the porno flick would be, as Sarah herself puts it, “Ojai Dudes.” Sarah has gone back to work at Ojai Foods, only to find it’s turned into a veritable B&B. Meaning “Biceps & Buns” factory, with all these office himbos in tight office casual attire wiggling their way through the hall. Obviously with Tommy gone, Holly’s the one who’s been doing all the hiring.

One himbo in particular catches Sarah’s eye … “Cal” from accounting. Who could not be more of a female fantasy if he were shown making an extra effort to leave the toilet seat down for her. He’s swarthy and vaguely Latino with an Antonio Banderas accent, AND a former minor league ballplayer, AND a volunteer firefighter. Oh, and he also offers to help unpack Sarah’s box. Before you know it, his shirt’s off (more extra points!) and the two of them are doing it right in the storage room.

Which is how Sarah gets to Kevin’s doorstep, because she needed to brag about this to somebody who would appreciate it. As she explains, Kevin was the “most promiscuous member of the family” before he got married. Scotty inexplicably gets pissed at Kevin about this, and then gets even angrier when Kevin launches into the details of their almost-threesome with Chad. Covering his erect nipples with the Liza throw pillow, Scotty snits off into the other room. Out of all the contrived, ridiculous things about this episode, this was the most ridunkulous, given how out of character it was for Scotty. Not to mention how quickly both of them got over being so horny.

The next day, Kevin visits Scotty at work and they both admit to feeling a little weird. Scotty seems to be over his hissy fit, though, and says you can hardly blame Chad for wanting a piece of both of them. They talk about how they’re “nesters” at heart, leading Kevin to make that tired old joke about lesbians (points off!). Then they resign themselves to being “monogamous, domesticated, married,” and as Scotty says, “I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Awwww.

I was all set to criticize this episode for having the gay couple involved in a threeway, because I was worried that it contributed to a common stereotype about gay people being raging sex maniacs, as if being gay as some sort of gateway relationship to every kink imagineable. But in a gratifying surprise, the episode wound up with them reaffirming their devotion to one another. And more significantly, the threeway story was in the same episode where Nora’s swinging ex-BF Roger showed up (he of the “open” marriage), thereby reminding us that the real kinksters out there are straight, oily, geriatric Europeans.

Back on good old Puritanical American soil, Roger announces the open marriage has now closed shop. He a one-woman man, and the one woman is Nora. She’s briefly happy about this, but then announces she needs some time off to deal with all her family drama first. Roger says he’s willing to wait for her. Good luck with that, buddy. Nora should have grappled with all the Walker family drama in, oh, I’d say 2014.

What else happened this week? Oh, yeah, Ryan kept acting all creepy-obsessed over Rebecca. I liked him back when he was stirring up trouble with Justin. But this storyline with him and Rebecca is just a snoozefest.

Also, speaking of snoozefests, we also continued watching Kitty’s marriage unfold in slower-than-real-time. She keeps flirting with cleft-chin Dad at the playground, prattling on about what a cold-hearted, ambitious asshat her husband’s turned out to be. And playground Dad sits there patiently eating his fro-yo, although if I were this guy, I’d be going, “Umm, lady, that’s my state senator you’re talking about. TMI, okay?”

Finally, and perhaps best of all, an unseen Tommy calls Julia and tells her that even though the D.A. cleared him on all charges, he’s still not coming home and wants to be on his own. I love this! When most shows have a major character leave, they do it in some noble fashion like having them die or take a job overseas or something. But here they managed to do it in a way that made Tommy even more of a douche than ever! Got to love that!

And even though much of this episode was as forced and contrived as its title, I’m giving it an up arrow. Partly because I’m just tired of complaining about this show and want to go back to enjoying it. But mostly because the return of Kevin’s ex, which could so easily have been played for melodrama, was instead handled lightly and humorously. Much of this episode was simply fun to watch, and it was nice for a change to see Kevin and Scotty having fun too.

Eric Winter as Jason
 

Now if only they could hook Chad up with Reverend Jason! Then the four of them could buy a country home together.

What did you think of Chad’s return?