Liveblogging the Top Chef Finale

We’ve made it through Clay, Sandee, Micah, two Saras, and a bunch of other people I don’t really remember or care about. We’ve also made it through two wars, IQF, the Smurf Village, disasters on sea and air, dinner at the Elks, and dinner made from elks. And now, we’ve finally made it to Top Chef: Miami: Aspen, and it’s going to be coming to you (almost) live. I’m a liveblogging virgin, so please be kind. And if you can’t be kind, please be quiet.

For the occasion, I’ve lined up a festive meal for myself of an applecore amuse bouche, vanilla lobster tail, reinterpreted meatloaf, raw jerk chicken, broccolini, prosciutto cigars, black-and-blue elk, yogurt cheesy poofs, and of course everyone’s favorite -- salmon -- all stored in the fabulous, handy Glad family of products. (There you go, Glad people. I did it just like you asked, so you can go ahead and send me that check now.) And of course I’ve got my big bottle of Bombay Sapphire Gin (ditto for you Bombay). I plan on drinking whenever Padma does, so who knows if I’ll even be able to type after the Quickfire. This should be, if not coherent, at least interesting.

Tonight all our Top Chef questions will be answered. Will Casey’s frog Grandmama have a Pan-Asian family recipe to help the perky Rachel-lookalike to victory? Will Chef Tom like the taste of Hung, if the Robochef starts, as directed, putting more of himself in every bite? Will Dale remember to count how many judges there are and make enough entrees? And most importantly, where is Ted and what have they done to him?

Across the blogosphere, Hung or Casey are the odds-on favorites, but here, we’ll only let ourselves celebrate if the self-proclaimed “Big Gay Chef” wins. He might not be crowned Top Chef, but here at AfterElton.com, Dale will always be Top.

Liveblogging starts after the jump a few minutes before 10PM EDT!

Ready, set, cook. And may the best big gay chef win.

11:16 PM EDT: Hung tells Padma he's excited to have "so much support from America." Which is why a whopping 12% of Americans voted for him in the text message poll.

11:15 PM EDT: Tom says he's glad Dale found his inner chef and then gives him a big but. But his undercooked lobster dish sucked.

After about a four hour pause, Padma finally announces that Hung is Top Chef.

It's not sweet, funny openly gay Dale, but at least, according to Hung's audition tape, it's a Top Chef who "goes both ways." I'll take it.

Now I'm off to binge on Doritos and M&Ms.

11:09 PM EDT: Cut to the live portion in Dale's hometown of Chicago. The judges are wearing the same clothes, like they want us to think they magically teleported there direct from Aspen. Padma says they'll announce who's Top Chef right after the commercial, because you know Bravo couldn't turn down the chance to get in one more Bertolli commercial.

11:00 PM EDT: Judging. We learn Hung should really be on acid.

Also, Dale's lamb and Hung's duck, according to Tom, are dishes they should "carry with [them] always." Wouldn't that start to smell?

Howie's horrible history with overcooked pork products seems to have doomed Casey by proxy.

It's actually looking good for Dale here, because I don't think Hung did himself any favors with that chocolate cake. If this season has taught us anything, it's don't cook a dessert unless there's a gun pointed at you. And is the last thing you want to say to the judges before they make a decision that you wanted to "play it safe" on your final course?

10:57 PM EDT: Ted just said to Dale, "You are a decadent boy." I bet he says that to all the boys.

10:50 PM EDT: Dale and Casey both seem to have redeemed themselves with their final courses (lamb and steak). And I'm sure the judges are thrilled to have just what you'd crave as a side dish with lamb -- chocolate cake, Hung's surprise dish.

Rocco and Tom almost come to blows over the cake. Rocco dug it, Tom thought it threw the meal off because it wasn't in keeping with all the Vietnamese heritage stuff he forced him to make. I guess you can't have your cake and Asian too.

It's still anybody's to win, I think, as we head to judges' table. Let the nitpicking begin!

10:47 PM EDT: Tom just said Dale's third course is "terrible." Oh no!

And that was just a warm up for criticism of Casey. "Her peach might be perfectly roasted but this pork belly sure isn't."

Meanwhile, Hung's Duck Sous Vide (or Duck cooked in a Ziploc baggie as we learned this season) is winning raves, although it looks pretty unappetizing on the plate.

Brian seems totally out of his element here. He can't cook food like this, and he can't even adequately talk about food like this.

10:45 PM EDT: Two courses in and the judges are loving Dale's second course, which Michele B. (who's actually a decent judge, I think) notes was impressively his surprise dish. Yay!

Honestly, all the food looks pretty amazing here and is getting mostly positive comments. Only major problem so far is Casey's overuse of roe.

10:35 PM EDT: With an hour of prep time to go, Tom calls them out and tells them they've got to prepare an extra dish. Punk'd again! Dale says he wanted to deck Tom. I'm guessing this isn't the first time he's said that, just the first time it's been out loud.

For help they get losers. They draw knives and Casey is stuck with Howie. She says this means an extra set of hands in the kitchen. And any number of bodily fluids in her entrees. Also, if I were her, I'd keep him away from any pork products, given his history of over/undercooking.

Hung gets Sara, and decides on that classic Vietnamese dish: chocolate cake.

Dale's with CJ. They seem like they'd be a good team since I don't think they hate each other's guts.

I wonder if the winner has to take their sous chef to the Alps with them. That would really suck for pretty much all of them.

10:29 PM EDT: Chef Tom comes into the kitchen for his regular psych out. Dale, whose green bandanna matches his green T shirt beautifully, talks about how he had problems with boiled milk for his gnocchi. He sure has a bad history with dairy products.

Hung just told Tom he's making "ocean-scented rice." I'm guessing he got that idea from Kramer, mastermind of "The Beach" cologne.

10:27 PM EDT: My brother in law says he can't see how Dale can possibly win at this point. My partner says he can't see how any of them can possibly win. We imagine Padma saying, live in front of their entire families, "Please pack your knives and go. All of you."

10:26 PM EDT: Breaking news! Hung says he is known for his Asian influenced cuisine. None of which we saw all season until Colicchio told him he'd better up the Asian factor. Also, being told you have no soul is like being run over by a truck.

10:20 PM EDT: Dale said his gnocchi dough came out like chewing gum. Mmmm. Chewing gum gnocchi. I'd so eat that.

10:19 PM EDT: Hung and Rocco are talking about opening a restaurant together. Meanwhile Dale just called Todd English his "prep bitch."

This whole thing is like a culinary Sadie Hawkins Dance or topsy turvy day at the office where the bottoms finally get to boss around the tops.

10:16 PM EDT: Rocco's pretty.

10:10 PM EDT: Time to pick sous chefs with the sacred drawing of the knives ritual. They all think they're going to get duds from earlier this season, meaning Micah, Clay or Howie. The sous chefs arrive by ski gondola, and as the doors open, it's just like Mystery Date. Who will get a handsome eligible doctor, and who the nerd, I wonder?

Doors open and it's Rocco DiSpirito for Hung, who gets all weak at the knees seeing him. It's perfect for Hung, finally being paired with someone who truly understands IQF. i wonder if Rocco's brought any Bertolli frozen meals with him.

Casey gets some chick (Michele Bernstein) and Dale gets Todd English. Doesn't he design clothes or hotels or something?

10:07 PM EDT: Ski-lift to the top of a mountain, and my anti-outdoors sentiment aside, it is pretty freakin' gorgeous. But I'm wondering if the high altitude means they'll need to follow special instructions, like the back of the brownie mix always has.

Padma and Chef Tom explain that their task is simply to cook the best meal of their lives using whatever ingredients they'd like. Unlike past years, they'll be cooking and serving head to head. Casey and Dale better watch out in the kitchen for Hung and that knife. They have 35 minutes to plan their menus.

Camera pan across the table and our first view of the dreaded salmon.

Now they're all tasting the raw food to see if it has flava. If any of them bite into a raw duck or cow, I'm stopping right now.

Hung has taken Chef Tom's criticism last week to heart and is going all out Vietnamese, like he had any other choice.

Lots of overlap among the three -- everybody wants to make foie gras or prawns. Think out of the box, people!

10:00 PM EDT: Top Chef finale coming at you live from Chicago. Because the one thing this show needed was another location. Miami must be feeling so dissed right now.

Back to Aspen and the taped portion. Woo-hoo! One minute in and a shirtless Dale. Oh, Hung's shirtless too.

9:59 PM EDT: Testing, testing, 1-2-3. So this is live blogging, huh? I can say anything and those pesky editors have no power. Like this: Arrowsmith rules!

Huh, what do you know. The editors actually do read this.