This Week's "Ugly Betty": Coconuts & Quesadillas

When TV shows want to spice up the action, they frequently send the cast packing. You know what I mean … ER goes to Africa … Full House goes to EPCOT … Grey’s Anatomy goes off the rails with the worst spin-off premise since AfterMash.

When Ugly Betty decided to resort to this ancient TV stunt, they at least went to the granddaddy of TV travel -- The Brady Bunch Goes to Hawaii -- a connection made clear by the coconut shell buttons on Tavares’ blazer, the ones that make Wilhelmina’s “eyes bleed.”

Anyway, here’s what the Hawaiian Brady episodes taught Betty:

1) Take the show to as exotic a location as possible. Throughout its run, The Brady Bunch, produced back in the days when networks were swimming in cash, spared no expense in every detail. Intricate shag carpeting was imported from Singapore. The finest polyester from the Far East adorned the cast, who were each attended to by their own personal studio eunuch. So when they decided on episodes set in Hawaii, the producers made the dramatic decision, one fraught with the potential for utter financial ruin, to actually film there.

Betty, airing on a cash-starved fledgling network barely keeping it together, could not afford to shoot in that faraway land down under. So Mexico was meticulously recreated by shooting everything through a yellow filter and scattering a few chickens on the street. When Betty and Hilda travel by bus through the Mexican plains, in the distance you can actually see a Universal Studios Tram being attacked by Jaws.

2) Insist only on a Love Boat-worthy level of guest stars. The Ho on this Ugly Betty was Betty’s cousin, played by Vanessa from Six Feet Under, and by Ho I mean Don Ho, a minor but charismatic celebrity included for local color. Am I wrong, or did Justina Machado seem so thrilled to have finally escaped the gloomy Fisher family that she was having the time of her life with this part? I thought this character was hilarious (loved her response to Hilda’s desire to have a simple wedding dress with only 1 or 2 colors: “OK, but it’s a wedding not a funeral!”) and would love to see more of her.

But the big guns guest star, the Vincent Price character, was Betty’s Aunt Mirta played by Rita Moreno. When Moreno’s guest stint was announced, I blogged about the wonderful significance of having an actress who has done so much for Latino visibility appear on this show. I was a little disappointed that the actual role didn’t have the same juicy material as Patti LuPone’s did; Aunt Mirta’s sole defining characteristics seemed to be drinking and gossiping. But Moreno, ever the professional, did wonders with it. Her expression upon seeing Betty’s orthodontic torture gear, and gleefully saying of her estranged grandmother, “Forgive me for saying this, but that woman is a beeetch” were priceless. Maybe Aunt Mirta can move to Queens while Ignacio is stuck in Mexico and being hunted by the family of the man he killed?

3) Creepy mumbo jumbo adds cultural authenticity. Thanks to the Bradys, we now know Hawaii is riddled with cursed tiki idols with the power to unleash the fury of the gods on precocious pop-singing siblings. Betty and Hilda were approached by a mystical healer woman – a dead ringer for Robert Blake in Lost Highway – who spouts all kinds of nonsense about tree branches and earrings and returning to the past to move forward. Except she’s of course completely right about everything. Because on TV, unlike in real life where they’re usually grifters and/or escaped mental patients, mystics on TV are always right. They’re always right the way first dates, baby deliveries, and dinner parties for the boss always go wrong.

4) Even the best of vacations are filled with danger. The “Greg wiped out” revelation here? Ignacio not being able to return home. And the equivalent of Peter being attacked in bed by a tarantula? The killer quesadilla Hilda ate on the bus, which didn’t sit well with her. “Oh really,” Betty replied, “because usually when you buy cheese cooked on a bus it’s pretty good.”

Actually, this entire episode was like that quesadilla. It had the appearance of being light, flaky and cheesy, but ultimately hit you right in the gut. Instead of laughing like I normally do with this show, I kept finding myself getting all verklempt.

The mumbo jumbo was worth it, for example, in that it brought Betty in contact with her grandmother and led to a surprisingly poignant scene, one that also set up next week’s climactic battle to win back her man.

And while I’ve already had it with Daniel’s pill popping (Weren’t those pills supposed to curb his sex drive? Why is he hornier than ever?), and have long had it with the fraternal rivalry, I appreciated the introduction of Noxzema girl Rebecca Gayheart as Alexis’s former girlfriend. After all the times “little orphan tranny” has been mistreated by her father and romantic interests, it was refreshing to see a character handle Alexis with respect, maturity, and understanding, announcing, “You are who you’re supposed to be.” And also one not skeeved out at all by a kiss, one initiated for relationship closure that swiftly turned into the hottest, most intense romantic action we’ve seen on this show yet.

But the most emotionally affecting sequence was Marc’s chivalry to Amanda. I’ve loved how Marc, a character whose introduction in the pilot indicated he’d be nothing more than a fashion world stereotype, has revealed dimension and complexity over the course of the season, from his almost-paternal concern for Justin to his coming out to his mother. How wonderful was it to hear him say:

“You are fabulous Amanda. Why do you think you don’t deserve a real relationship? Come out of the closet sweetie. I promise it’s better.”

And on top of his “public inning” of Tavares, he also bravely “took a bullet for the team,” hitting on the suddenly Queer Eyed Straight Guy “Brad” Mead. But the less said about that the better.

Funniest line:

Sebastian, the New York buyer for Barneys, after hearing Marc’s enraged defense of Amanda: “What’s the lesbian talking about?”

Runner up:

Sebastian, the New York buyer for Barneys: “The one thing we are in the fashion industry is tolerant. If you look like that [gestures to Tavares’ sculpted pecs], you’re in.”

Gayest moment:

Sebastian, the New York buyer for Barneys (What? I loved this guy!): “This is Keith. Kenneth and I broke up last spring. I caught him making out with a waiter.”

I mean, who hasn’t had that happen to them? But what makes it the gayest moment isn’t the line, but Wilhelmina’s reaction to it. After everyone’s polite chuckling over Tavares’ lame “Pret-a-poor-taste” joke, she announces, “Well, this is fun,” and then ditches the group searching for better conversation. Cocktail party etiquette like that gets a gay gold star.

Disqualified due to plagiarism:

Marc: “Don’t tell me you forgot we were gonna rent 300 and enjoy the mildly homophobic slash homoerotic content.”

Sounds to me like somebody’s been reading AfterElton.

Justin fabulousness index (scale of 1 to 11):

Only a 3, but I know it will be an 11 or higher next week.

All that foreshadowing about his understudy role in the school production of West Side Story (and the advance description of next week’s finale as having everything tied up by a certain beloved Broadway musical) is clearly leading up to Justin’s big break. But what will happen when, as he told his mother this week, “God forbid Joey Colano takes ill and I don’t know my finger snaps for the rumble?” Tune in next week to find out.