If you haven’t done so yet, I urge you to read Brian Juergens’ interview with gay Top Chef contestant Dale, because you might not otherwise realize there even was a gay contestant on this show based on this week’s episode, where the most significant thing he does is sing the word “peppermill.”

Anyway, Brian’s interview demonstrates everything wonderful about Dale that the show hasn’t come close to revealing: he’s funny, charming, smart, and bitchy. It makes me feel even better about wanting him to go far in the game. Although I also have to confess that I now officially want San Diego Brian (pictured above) to win because I’ve fallen in love with him. He’s really hot, and in this episode, he says things like “I’m the guy who tackled a snake and an eel -- there’s all sorts of strange stuff going through my mind,” that make me need to take a cold shower.

Dale’s interview pretty much dashes my hopes with Brian, though, as he reveals himself to be the only gay contestant on the show. But that at least means our team won’t be held responsible for the likes of Hung and Tre, whose constant boasting about their brilliant kitchen skills is well beyond tiresome. At the same time, they spend so much time abnormally focused on each other that they should just head over to South Beach, get a room, and play "Iron Chef Dom and his Sous Sub" to their hearts content.

Dale’s interview also makes me feel terrible about making fun of his hair last week, because he indicates it was the result of some kind of post-break-up psychotic episode, which is totally understandable.

Speaking of psychotically bad hair, this episode opens with about 30 minutes of Sandee from the South styling her own mowhawk, filmed from a variety of creative angles. In the opening credits, we also see her take this homeboy-gangsta-rapper pose, and then we see her on the roof doing cheesy Tae Kwan Do moves, like she’s auditioning to take over for Lawrence Fishburne in The Matrix movies.

Then we see everybody waking up in their fabulous Miami Fountainbleu penthouse – everybody, that is, except Micah, who is “not a morning person” and oversleeps. Last week I said that Micah was a goody two-shoes and that I didn’t like her. This week, she is all grouchy and gives everybody the finger, so this week, I like her very much. It’s like she’s gone from “Parent Trap Lindsay Lohan” to “tabloid Lindsay Lohan,” which I can relate to so much more easily.

Before you know it, it’s Quickfire Challenge time. Padma says that the day’s challenge features Florida’s “single most important ingredient,” which leaves me trying to figure out how they’re going to get away with a challenge involving cocaine. But no, the ingredient is “sunshine” in the form of citrus, which leaves me wondering how many Florida cliches they can tap for these challenges, and how many weeks until they’re forced to cook up parts of Shamu the whale.

Running, running. Chopping, chopping. Bumping, pushing. And TIME!

Padma announces that the guest judge is a “pioneer of Florida fine dining,” and I’m impressed they got the founder of Denny’s to appear. But no, it’s some guy named Norman Van Aken, and it becomes clear pretty quickly that as a judge he is very, very mean. Last week, Anthony Bourdain was all phony bluster, shouting incomprehensible nonsense like, “WHAT’S YOUR MALFUNCTION?!!!” Norm is more the silent, sarcastic type, all, “Did you intend to include pits in your sauce?”

This kind-of-meek contestant named Sara hilariously comments, “I wasn’t expecting Norman to be so critical in criticizing everyone,” like it’s the judge’s job to sprinkle rose petals and give pony rides. Much of this episode is spent cleverly edited to make you think Sara is a total dimwit. She forgets to de-vein her shrimp on time, she doesn’t know how to light a barbecue, and she handles flaming hot peppers with her bare hands. They want you to think she’s the George Bush of the kitchen, and if you’re new to reality TV, you’d assume she’s a goner. But if you’re an old reality show whore like me, you know this clearly has all the signs of a major fake out.

Anyway, Sara’s dish is selected among the worst, as is Micah’s. Micah kind of blames the fact that she misses her daughter, and I just hate when reality show contestants bitch about how homesick they are, like they’re in one of those future dystopia movies where they’ve been abducted and forced to compete in some sort of Thunderdome. Micah, you volunteered to be there, so suck it up already. I think I hate her again.

Sandee is also singled out as bad. Her dish included some kind of drink that looked like it had a small salad growing out of it. Norm’s comment on this: “When it comes to eating something, I really don’t want to pull something out of my way that’s merely there for looks.” In the words of the immortal David Brent, “that’s what she said.” (I apologize for the overly used catchphrase, but if you can come up with a more appropriate line, feel free to present it in the comments section below.)

The best dishes include Tre and CJ, and the best of the best is Hung, and you can just imagine how that honor humbles him.

The big elimination challenge this week, we’re told, has the strange title of “Charcoal Elimination,” like the contestants are going to sketch nude models. But no, it’s charcoal of the barbecue kind. They’re to prepare an “upscale” barbecue for a party hosted by “famous Miami foodie” Lee Schrager, and his “sexy sophisticated guests.”

They rush off to the market to get ingredients, and everyone heads to the butcher counter, and I’m screaming at the TV, “People, the hot dogs are by the orange juice!” CJ and Casey get into some kind of tiff. I haven’t said much about them yet because they haven’t really done anything yet. Last week CJ told us he’s a cancer survivor, which makes it tough for me to say anything nasty about him, and I refuse to make fun of his height, even though the show thinks this is hilarious given how they make him stoop down during the opening credits like he can’t fit on your TV screen otherwise. His refusal to help Casey out here could be really nasty, but it’s almost like he’s doing it to be funny and knows how ridiculous it is.

Casey, I decide I really like, because in the Quickfire Challenge she presented her dish as “some kind of s’more.” The fact that she made a s’more is totally awesome. And the fact she didn’t do what someone like Micah would have and given it a name like “Deconstruction of S’more” is even better.

I might as well also mention that although we barely ever see her, one of my favorite contestants is a woman from Brooklyn named Lia, because she is the most un-reality-show-contestant I’ve ever seen on a reality show. She just seems like this laid back, ordinary, totally cool girl, like the one from your college dorm who you made a last-ditch, delusional attempt at heterosexuality with, you know?

Preparing to head to the big event, Brian and Hung decide to dress up for the occasion, and as much as I love Brian and want to check him out, I’m distracted in this scene by one of Dale’s few appearances, wearing a tight purple T-shirt that makes him look totally hot. But he’s also standing next to Joey, who is wearing a similar bright T-shirt, and they’re both wearing bandanas, like they’re about to appear in a gay musical version of Rambo.

So then we’re at the big event, and we see the arrival of Lee Schrager’s guests, who have no idea they’re guinea pigs at the world’s least fun barbecue ever. This “sophisticated” Miami crowd consists of more gay men than have ever been on a reality show including Boy Meets Boy, and harshly tanned, withered women of indeterminate age. Naturally, none of the gay men appear to eat anything. But the women are all “Oh my God, this is so good!” except for one who tastes Tre’s dish, curses, and spits it out, which totally takes him down a notch or two.

The judges go to the different contestants’ barbecues to taste their food. This leads to the best line of the episode, when Tom Colicchio says, “Hey, Hung.” I’m only sorry Hung didn’t respond with, “Ta, ta, Tom.”

At this point, “New Yawk” Joey has a minor meltdown because he thinks that Hung ripped off this watermelon drink he presented in the Quickfire Challenge, and they even cut in this cheesy CSI-like flashback to the scene of the crime. Hung’s defense is that it’s a barbecue and watermelon is typical at a barbecue, but I do find it highly suspicious that he chose to also make a watermelon drink. Frankly, I think he did this just to screw with Joey, which makes me like him a lot more than I used to. Joey goes all ballistic that Hung “can’t hang in New York” and should “buy knee pads” for being “such a kissass,” and I am so very, very tired of this routine. Joey, The Sopranos is off the air, so you can stop auditioning to be one of Tony’s whack jobs.

Judging time. In a huge twist of fate, the best include Sara (told ya) and Micah. Micah says she decided on her dish because “Americans do hot dogs and hamburgers at a barbecue, but my people do lamb” which is both snooty and a total lie, since earlier she indicated she got the lamb because it was on sale. I definitely hate her again. Sara’s is selected, judge Gail Simmons tells us, mostly because it was tiny and “easy to eat.” And that is just about the dumbest criteria I’ve ever heard on this show, like her greatest concern as a judge is her dry cleaning bill.

The winner, I’m thrilled to tell you, is Brian, because the judges like his sausage. (Heh, heh. I love saying, “Brian’s sausage.”)

Then they call in the bad chefs for the weekly psychodrama in which childhood trauma is reenacted through this bizarre “You know what you did. If you can tell me what you did, I won’t punish you” interrogation.

Among the worst, Tre, who assumed he would win because he’s from Texas where they know barbecue better than anyone. But he inexplicably made salmon, which Texas isn’t exactly known for. In fact, I think most people in Texas assume fish is only eaten by Blue State liberal pansies. Texans, we all know, like the kind of barbecues where you run over a cow with a pick-up and roast it over an open fire while shooting off your guns.

Also lousy, Sandee, again, if you're keeping track. It’s clear that you can skate by the judges here if you’re willing to talk about how and why your dish sucked. Sandee apparently hasn’t ever watched this show, because her only comment about being there is, “I am shocked!”

Then Padma does this really mean thing and asks Joey who he thinks should go home instead of him. This really has nothing to do with the food or the judging and is just a feeble attempt to stir up trouble. I absolutely love it. Joey picks on Howie even though he didn’t even try his food, because I think in his puny, sexist mind, he didn’t want to pick on one of the girls. Anyway, this leads to this blow-out outside the kitchen that plays like a Discovery Channel documentary about displays of dominance in the straight male of the species. They’re all “be a f*ing man … you’re my f*ing bitch,” and it makes me really appreciate Dale’s comment about how he’s looking forward to other contestants being outcooked by a queer, because I’m pretty sure he had these two in mind.

Anyway, Tom sums up the judges’ dilemma with another of his Zen mind puzzles like last week – which is the worst sin in this challenge? Not being barbecue enough (Sandee’s lobster tails) or not being upscale enough (Joey’s chicken drumsticks)? They decide to send Sandee packing because she didn’t complete the assignment as instructed, although that didn’t appear to bother them with Howie last week.

By the way, still no Queer Eye Ted this week, and I am awfully annoyed by Bravo showing us tantalizing glimpses of Ted gagging on food without delivering. Bravo, you are Ted-teasers, and that is not cool. Consider yourselves on notice.