*Caution: Spoilers Ahead!*

Weddings! Betrayals! Murders! Jail Breaks! Musical Numbers! Ugly Betty packed more into a single hour than most other shows do in their lame-o “supersize” episodes.

The fact that we were going to get a double dose of all things beautifully Ugly came early on, with the curious double vision image of two Bettys – America Ferrara and doppelganger Angelica Vale, who stars in the Mexican version of Betty La Fea. Here, she had a hilarious cameo as a cranky dental assistant who, upon hearing her coworkers had a “nitrous party,” grumbles, “that’s unethical … and costly.” In addition to wondering how I could get a job in an office like that, I was praying someone would put this character into her own series. I am so ready for Ugly Angelica! What about you?

But that was merely the opening for a brilliant finale co-written by series creator Silvio Horta.

Double the diva guest stars! How much did you love Kristin Chenoweth as Betty’s chick-flick-loving dental hygienist? Chenoweth’s sunny demeanor was perfectly suited for such snappy lines as, “That’s so romantic! Just like when Julia Roberts flossed before whoring herself in Pretty Woman. Great movie – with an important message!”

And then there was the welcome return of recurring guest star Gina Gershon doing Donatella Fabia, set to marry an ancient businessman before “his bambinos cut [her] out of the will,” and trading wicked barbs with Wilhelmina about their competing weddings.

Fabia: You must come to the ceremony. I won’t be able to get married without something old.

Wilhelmina: With the veins in your legs, you already have your something blue.

Double the weddings! We got a clever comparison of Hilda and Wili preparing for their respective weddings: St. Patrick’s Cathedral and medallions of lamb vs. Our Lady of Gaudalupe Church by the Gas Station and the House of Pork and Beans. (See if you can guess which wedding is which). Of course, there’s only one wedding we gay men would want to go to – Fabia’s. Because nothing makes for a better wedding than gobs of cash and lack of taste.

Double the kink factor! Amanda and Marc enjoyed playing mistress and “bad boy” in need of a whupping, until Amanda admitted, “this is getting creepy even for us.”

But I was too distracted by the fact that we were finally – FINALLY! – getting a look at Fey’s secret love dungeon. And is it just me, or was it a bit disappointing? It looked like the tasteful lobby of an elite boutique hotel. And when that huge ACME safe was revealed, it suddenly resembled Catwoman’s lair. Frankly, it says everything you need to know about Fey Summers that she chose to decorate her love dungeon with portraits of herself.

And it says much more than you need to know about that foot fetishist Bradford Mead that he apparently also enjoys being “trussed like a Christmas goose with a ball gag in his mouth.” Does Wilhelmina know what she’s getting into with this marriage? Just how badly does she want to be editor in chief anyway?

Then again, this is Wili, and her willingness to loan out her slave Marc indicated a pretty kinky side to her too. Poor Marc! Forced to pick up after Fabia’s dog, smoke, and eat pasta. Actually, other than the poop and the risk of lung cancer, sounds like the perfect job.

Double the suspense! The episode culminated in two highway sequences filled with action that I couldn’t care less about. Alexis and Daniel in a car crash that was basically a replay of Fey’s murder. Yawn. And Claire in a gang prison break. The only good thing about that is it might put an end to this dreadful prison subplot. I love Judith Light as Claire, but I want her guzzling martinis and being bitchy to Wili. I don’t want to see a TV version of Chained Heat that has me longing for the much prettier cast of Oz. For me, the only thing I need to know about what follows “fish” is whether it should be a sauvignon blanc or a chardonnay, thank you very much.

Double the heartbreak! The reason I adore Betty is that every episode, in addition to making me laugh out loud, has one moment where I get all choked up. This one had two doozies.

I was grinning when Betty and Henry confessed their love to one another, even though that first kiss was interrupted (or as Amanda called it, “Dorkus Interruptus”). When the real first kiss came – and it seemed like it was also going to be their last – the waterworks started. “I guess that would have been too easy?” Betty laments. But then, a last minute save seemed in the air, when Betty learned “Charlie is a cheater.” Frankly, it was clear Charlie was a man-trapping liar when, after complaining about how terrified she was of navigating New York, she so easily found her way to Queens. I know people who’ve lived in Manhattan all their lives who can’t do that. Plus, this confirms something I’ve long suspected: you should NEVER trust a woman who claims to make a living by making her own jewelry.

That mini-tragedy, though, was just a preview for the climactic shooting of Santos, mirrored by the climax of Justin’s school production of West Side Story. And in a double dose of mirroring, we also saw the stage action of Maria holding a dying Tony mirrored by Betty trying to comfort a grieving Hilda. Talk about a downer of an ending to carry us through the summer. They couldn’t have picked a happier musical to finish things off with, say one starring starving French peasants or singing Nazis?

Funniest lines:

Amanda [after Christina finds out about the love dungeon]: Now my secret place is ruined!

Christina: Oh please. Your secret place was ruined years ago.

Runner up:

Wilhelmina: [Elton John] was rewriting “Candle in the Wind” for me!

Marc: Oh, give that queen twenty bucks and she’ll rewrite it for anyone.

Disqualified due to plagiarism:

Justin: What’s with the third degree? Your son is Tony! Be happy!

So Justin the understudy may have sabotaged the star of a show so he could go on stage instead? Isn’t that’s the plot of a famous movie, known for its brilliant acting, writing, and direction and considered a classic?

Gayest moment:

In any other week, a reference to Marlo Thomas and That Girl would win this easily. But that moment was outdone by the Wili-Marc flashback montage set to Barbra’s “Memories.” Now that’s a true “Gay We Were” moment.

Justin Fabulousness Meter (scale of 1 to 11): 11+++++!

Not only did Justin battle Hilda over her wedding plans (“I told Mom if she went with green organza for the bridesmaids, she was on her own!”). And not only did he float down the stairs crowing, “I’m Tony! I’m Tony!” (to which his mother replied, “Sweetie, I know you want the part, but you can’t shriek it into existence”). And not only did he reference Angela Lansbury (“Did Angela Lansbury eat a pizza bagel before she opened in Sweeney Todd?”). He also went on stage as Tony and sang “Something’s Coming” and was good at it. Really good, in fact. How freakin’ fabulous is that?

And that, people, is how you do a season finale. See you in September!