Liveblogging "As the World Turns": Henry/Henrietta

Okay, so while this liveblog is ostensibly supposed to be all about Oakdale's teeming gay scene, how can we NOT be all up in a hizzie about pepperkakor-crazed Henry's big drag number?!

Yes, today Luke and Noah will be appearing to studentfilmmilitarydaddyisssuessomethingsomething. But more importantly, Henry (Trent Dawson) will be appearing in drag as his alter-ego, Miss Swift. Is anyone else thinking that "Pepper Cocker" would have been a more suitable drag name?

Nonetheless, we'll be here to bring you every fabulashed turn, as they happen. Follow along below, refreshing often for to-the-minute updates!

Gentlemen, start your engines ... and may the best woman win! 

1:59PM EDT: Okay, before we get into the cross-dressing shenanigans in Oakdale, can we talk about the ridiculous brilliance of today's Price is Right-set Bold and the Botoxed? First they've got the host of Beauty and the Geek playing a Drew Carey lackey and then Joker-rific Donna almost executes a facial expression when she's called up on stage? GENIUS! And hey, if they can work in a game show, why can't Henry on RuPaul's Drag Race?! 

2:05PM EDT: Okay, does anyone else find it eerily prescient that this guy in NYC gets nabbed for dressing as his mom for six years to cash in her benefits on the same day that Henry rolls out Miss Swift?

Henry and General Foods International Coffees Cafe Vienna are making out when she unveils the tango outfit she's going to be wearing when she and Austin from Days dry-hump on television. He's not all about it, nor is The Blonde Obstacle.

Back at the farm, Luke and Noah are watching the footage of Noah opening his father's box, which looks much creepier and more Blair Witchy than it did when they were shooting it. Luke thinks the footage looks great but Noah poo-poohs it, saying he'll never get to finish the movie anyway. 

Dusty and Meg are chatting over the baby when MammaMiaDassaSpicyBiodad shows up and Dusty-blocks. Denied! 

2:15PM EDT: Meg tells Damian that European men can get away with saying things that American men never could. 

Bonnie tells Dusty that she charges $450 an hour. (Biting tongue) 

Luke's all, "Why can't you finish your movie?" and Noah says he spent all his money on production costs and he doesn't have any left. Uh ... considering he didn't pay for any labor or lighting, I can only imagine how over-the-top the catering must have been to clear him out. Luke offers to give him some money from the foundation (wait, wasn't the foundation broke just the other day when he wanted to take all the sick kids on a boat ride?) and Noah refuses, and instead Luke offers to go through grant applications for him while he's off stocking biscotti at Java. After Noah leaves Little Lord Trust Fund takes one look at the grant applications and gives a big "Hayyyyl ta tha no", and drops them on the table.

Cafe Vienna and Austin start their sexy-time dancing, and Blonde Obstacle and Henry, watching from home, are shocked to get a flash of Vienna's ... um ... what? Her pepperkakor? I can't tell. 

2:25PM EDT: Okay, so it looks like Vienna's sausages popped out during the tango, and Austin helped pop them back into their casings. Henry's all aflutter about it - he literally bites a pillow. Moments later he's drinking a martini in bed with B.O. when Austin comes home, and he demands to know why he touched Vienna's rounded spoonsful. He says he was just trying to hide her two scoops from the cameras, but Henry isn't buying it.

In Olde Towne, Luke catches up with Damian, who is having ice cream with Meg. Luke asks for money and Damian immediately writes him a check for $20,000. That seems like a lot even to Little Lord Handout, but he doesn't argue and takes the check to Noah. Ha! Atta girl. Meg, meanwhile, tells Damian she thinks it's a stupid move to throw money at your kids to get them to like you. Tell that to Tori Spelling!

And Bonnie injures Dusty while trying to teach him how to play ping-pong, and they make out while Melissa Etheredge plays. Okay, this storyline's freshness date has officially expired. 

2:38PM EDT: Okay, I have to say that it's almost refreshing to see Cafe Vienna's "wardrobe malfunction" being handled as puritanically as anything Luke and Noah ever had to mug through. Really, it looked like she fell off of her heels and then skipped away with Austin, not went all Janet Jackson on live television.

Bonnie's $450/hour apparently does not include snogging on the ping-pong table, so she storms out.

Meg smack-talks Luke to Damian, telling him that Luke is a bit of a slacker princess and that he only works on the foundation when he feels like it, and that everything else has been handed to him on a silver platter. Ouch! Hey, what did Little Lord Casheschecksalot do to you?!

Noah refuses the money, and Luke says that it would have taken too long to fill out all those grant applications. Ha!  

Austin just made another "USTube" reference. HA! He also says that since Cafe Vienna is Swedish it's really no big deal that she got her ya-ya's out on television. Double-HA! B.O. is less than thrilled with his appreciation of her Swedish meatballs.

Henry, meanwhile, channels Mrs. Doubtfire and calls Oakdale Now as "Geneva Swift" to complain about "that Swedish tart and her overactive bosom". OMG this is insane. Kim invites her/him down to the station to lodge a formal complaint on behalf of his/her concerned citizens group and maybe get Vienna fired. Henry quickly gets off the phone when Vienna gets home from riding the bus topless. Actually, I'd prefer her topless to that cheetah-print top!

2:48PM EDT: Luke says that he can give the money back, and Noah thanks him for asking for it in the first place. Luke flatters Noah into accepting the money, which he eventually does on the condition that they pay Damian back with the money they'll get from the grants. Luke admits to being a spoiled brat but says that if this movie helps Noah resolve things with Captain Pervy, it's worth it.

Meg accuses Damian of acting "all European" again. Hey, back up - European on my shoe!

Vienna stops by Austin and B.O.'s and the three of them watch the show, where Kim says that the recent episodes have come under fire for being too racy. She introduces Miss Swift, who is Henry in amazingly dowdy drag, looking very much like a pre-Jenny Craig Valerie Bertinelli. Miss Swift calls for Vienna's firing and Vienna flips out, demanding to know who this "ugly woman" is. It's unclear whether Austin and B.O. can tell it's Henry, but let's just say he ain't no Tootsie... 

2:55PM EDT: Miss Swift says that ICAN (Illinois Citizens Against Nudity) is staging a boycott until Vienna is sent back to Stockholm. Okay, Brad and Katie haven't figured it out yet either. Good lord, you couldn't get a spark if you rubbed the three of them together...

Back at the hotel, Henry hides his matron drag under the bed and Vienna comes in when he still has his makeup on. Without a cream pie handy to hide it in, he uses a towel. Meanwhile, Kim wants Miss Swift to come back on a regular basis because the viewers love it. She says she won't take no for an answer and Henry actually asks aloud, "What have I gotten myself into?!"

At Java, Noah notices that the DVD with the footage from the movie is missing from his laptop, even though the laptop and his phone are still there. He's got the footage backed-up on his hard drive, so he's not too concerned. Dun-dun-DUNNNNN!

Meanwhile, Bonnie and Dusty make out in the town square and Meg and Damian watch. It sounds like a kitten eating pudding. Ick!

Preview Time!: Blonde Obstacle gets wise to Miss Swift. But no Nuke!