Ask JT! I Caught My Friend Cheating, and Is Grindr Use a Deal-breaker?

To ask JT a question, email him at jtadvicecolumn@gmail.com. Messages may be edited for space.

Dear JT,

Love your column. Hoping you can help out a straight girl like me. My two best friends are gay (let's call them Jay and Scott) and have been a couple for about 6 years now. I've known Scott longer and was his friend well before they got together, but the truth is I love them both. I also thought they were the perfect for one another and figured they'd be together forever.

Which brings me to last weekend. Jay was out of town visiting family, and Scott and I went to a party together. After a lot of cocktails, I was looking for the bathroom and poked my head in a spare bedroom and ... walked in on Scott making out with another guy.

I was pretty stunned and beat a hasty retreat. Not knowing what to say, I just left the party. Later that night Scott called and left several messages (that I didn't answer). But the next morning I talked to him and he was really apologetic. He promised that this makeout thing with the guy wasn't serious and that he really loves Jay. He says he really doesn't want Jay to find out and pretty much begged me not so say anything. He also made a point of reminding me that I was his friend first.

I told him I needed to think about it. So far I've kept mum and mostly avoided both Scott and Jay since Jay got home. Which I hate. What do I do? I feel like Jay should know if Scott is catting around on him, but is it my place to say anything? Right now I'm just so pissed at Scott for putting me in this awkward position and making me feel like I'm betraying Jay.

I think if it were me and my significant other was making out with another girl I'd want to know. But maybe the rules are different for gay guys? Your guidance please!

A

Ooh. Awkward.

Well, I can’t tell you what to do. But I can tell you what I’d do, and that’s clam up like a scared virgin on prom night.

Here’s why, A.

Scott’s reaction seems to imply he’s genuinely sorry and terrified about the prospect of his relationship ending. Don’t get me wrong -- in the words of famous linguistic specialist George W. Bush, he’s a “grade-A asshole.” Or rather, he was acting like an asshole, assuming Jay and Scott are monogamous (which it sounds like they are from his reaction to you catching him).

But unless you’re inside a relationship, you don’t know what’s going on. There’s a good possibility that after 6 years of monogamy, Scott felt trapped, as many people do, and needed to just make out with someone different for a change just to get it out of his system. Maybe Jay had said or done something to hurt his feelings or make him feel insecure, and he was acting out because of that. There could be a number of reasons.

It could also be that Scott is a cheating motherf**ker who Jay would be better off without.

Point is, you don’t know, because again, it’s only the two of them in that relationship.

You don’t want to be responsible for breaking them up. Believe me. It’s totally unfair to you that you’ve been put in that position, and if Scott was going to make out with a dude who wasn’t Jay, he should have had the decency to not do it in a place you might discover him.

But because there’s the chance that all is not as it seems, it’s best if you keep it to yourself.

Look at it this way. Let’s say you were dating a guy who was the best guy in the world. He’s just the best. He’s great to you, great to your friends, handsome, compassionate, funny, and holy hell is he packin’ downstairs.

Uh ... sure. That's TOTALLY what I was referring to.

One night, after six years, you’re maybe feeling like he’s starting to take you a little for granted. You’re wondering if you’re not as pretty as when you first started dating. You go to a party, get way too drunk, and then, in a moment of weakness, you respond to the flattering advances another handsome guy is making on you. He’s new, he’s exciting, and though you hate yourself for it, you give in and make out with him.

But as soon as you do, you realize what a horrible mistake that was, and vow that you’ll never do it again. You just needed that one time to realize how great your boyfriend was, and now that you do, the last thing you’d ever want to do is hurt him.

Would you want him to find out?

Again, I’m not saying that’s what happened, and I’m in no way condoning or excusing what Scott did. But it’s his crime, and it’s up to him to do penance. It’ll be best for everyone involved if you remove yourself from the equation.

HOWEVER, if you for any reason believe that Scott has done this before or is continuing to do it, then by all means, speak your mind.

And PS - No, there aren’t “different rules” for gay guys. Gay couples and straight couples all make up their own rules about how they run their relationships. Some choose monogamy, some are monogamish, some have open-door policies, and some are glorified roommates who occasionally test out their gag reflexes on each other. One world, one gag reflex, one people.