Ask JT! Bi Girl on Campus and ... um ... an Awkward Issue.

As always, your friendly neighborhood bartender is taking a break from his wild dating life to tackle your questions with his patented blend of advice and adult beverages. So slide on up to the bar my friends. Now, what can I get you?

Hi JT,

I'm a college freshman, a girl, and bisexual. I didn't have any trouble coming out to my closest friends. I told all of them within the first few weeks of school, and they have been wonderful and accepting.

The problem is, I'm not comfortable talking to my straight girl friends about the fact that I like girls. I bring up past girlfriends occasionally, but I feel like they would never ask me about girls I'm attracted to the way they would ask me about guys.

Maybe it's my fault, because I'm hesitant to bring up girls myself, my friends think they shouldn't either. As a result I find myself always talking about guys, even though I'm entirely sure I'm bisexual.

What should I do? I know I should really take the initiative and show that I'm comfortable with who I am. I guess I just don't want to beat them over the head with it.

Second question: How do I meet potentially dateable girls when I'm at a big school and people don't know if I'm bi until they get to know me?

Thanks!

Oh, to be young, queer and on campus again. Those were some good times.

I totally get your situation. When I was a freshman, I joined an all male a cappella group that somehow, through some phenomenon that defied all laws of statistical probability, had exactly one gay member: me.

I had no intention of concealing my sexuality, but it was hard to mention without making it seem like I was bringing it up just to “rub it in everybody’s face,” as some straight people insist on saying. So I stayed quiet for about two months, until this happened:

JT : Ah, man, I love that lady. She has awesome hair.
A Cappella Dude : Okay, for the record, you are gay, right? ‘Cause if not, you’re really not helping anything.
JT : Uh … yeah, I am. (Akward pause.)

Okay, I know that, out of context, that sounded mean and bullying. But as it turns out, the a cappella dude in question didn’t know that I was gay and was just doing a little of the kind of dickish ribbing straight guys do to each other.

What’s more, that guy quickly became my best male friend in college, and we’re still close buds to this day. A few years ago we were talking about that moment, and he told me that he had felt equal parts mortified and contrite. He really had no idea I was gay, and felt terrible afterward for essentially outing me to the group.

Anyway, as it turned out, that was the ice-breaker I had been looking for, and after we all had a laugh about it, the guys felt free to ask me about guys I was dating, and I felt free to bring it up unsolicited the way any straight person does about their dating life.

The reason I’m telling you all this is I know that it can be a little awkward talking to straight friends about same-sex relationships, especially at first … but if they’re really your friends, they want you to be happy, and being able to talk freely about dating girls is something that would make you happy.

So it’s totally okay for you to take the initiative and bring up dating girls more often. Unless you’re hovering over them as they’re brushing their teeth, regaling them with your personal experiences with the lesbian kama sutra, I don’t think it’ll qualify as hitting them over the head. They already know you’re bi and are still your friends, so they are simply waiting for you to take the lead.

Now for your second question. This may sound obvious, but most big schools have some sort of student groups for LGBT kids and straight allies. Usually those groups are the best way to meet other gay kids, and a lot of these groups have an emphasis on volunteering for an assortment of LGBT causes.

(And you know how sexy those college-age activist lesbians are. As Holly Holiday once said, “I still feel a little tingle when I hear Ani Difranco.”)

Mmm, who doesn't?

And as always, of course, the Internet is a great resource. There’s a a social networking site geared towards LGBT youth a buddy told me about called Trevorspace.org, which after a quick glance-over seems like a great way to meet people and get involved with volunteering.

And, oh my gawd, college is so much fun. Don’t forget to enjoy every minute of it!