Ask JT! Hitting on Strangers and Straight Men

As always, your friendly neighborhood bartender is taking a break from his wild dating life to tackle your questions with his patent blend of advice and adult beverages. So pull up a stool, my friends. We've got a full bar here and it's happy hour. Now, what can I get you?

Hey JT,

I've got a question for you that keeps drifting to the front of my mind. I live in a backwoods state without much of a gay community, so guys here tend to be a little more focused on hook-ups than relationships. I'm moving to one of the biggest cities in the state to finish up my education, but its only gay club gives more headaches than anything else with its atmosphere.

Do you have any advice for finding someone right for me, especially since I seem to have such an awful sense of Gay-dar? I find myself thinking that straight people have it pretty nice. They see someone they like and nine times out of ten they have the smallest chance to get along with them enough to date. I don't like the idea that because I'm gay I have to go to constructed, dedicated, gays-only spots like special bars or dating sites to do even that. It feels so artificial to me.

I want to flirt with someone between classes or at the store, real smooth and natural, and in the flow of normal life without moving across the country to live in SanFran. And it's only compounded with living in West Virginia because most, not all but most, of the stuff said about this state is true. I'd like to have an honest-to-goodness relationship before I hit my mid-twenties if I can help it. Is there anything I can do about this? Or should I just start packing my bags for scenic Route 66?

Thank you kindly,

Muddled in Morgantown

I think I know what you want me to say, MIM. You want me to tell you that you can have it as good and easy as straight people. That you can flirt with any dude that catches your eye and not worry that he might not be gay. That you shouldn’t have to go to gay bars to find gay people, because you should be able to find them anywhere.

I appreciate where you’re coming from, MIM, I really do. It’s a beautiful dream world you’re longing for, but it’s exactly that - a dream world.

Here’s the cold, hard truth. Life will always be easier for straight people, just like it will always be easier for rich people, just like (if you’re living in Europe or North America) it will always be easier for white people. The world stacks its chips in favor of some groups over others, and that’s how it’s always been. It sucks, but what can you do.

But for the record, I really do appreciate that longing. I think we’ve all had it.

So, if you really feel that something’s got to give, you have two options. Change your location, or change your location. In other words, move to a different state, or fight the good fight and attempt to alter the way things are where you’re living.

Most people move. It’s easier than the alternative. I won’t tell you which one to do.

I will say this, though. You don’t have to go to gay bars to meet gay people anymore. That was the paradigm before the Internet exploded into our lives and changed the world forever. There are nice, non-seedy, perfectly respectable ways to meet other gay guys online with whom you can flirt, real smooth and natural, and in the flow of normal life. (Don't think of it as artificially constructed. Straight people go to singles bars all the time.)

I mentioned Meetup.com in a different article, but that's just one of many sites. The important thing is to work towards and achieve actual, real-life face time with good, quality people. Are you going to bump into a slew of hot, out gay dudes in a bookstore? Probably not, so you just have to work with what you're given.

You seem like a good, idealistic guy, but don’t be hung up on needing to have a relationship before you hit your mid-20's. If you don’t, you don’t. A relationship will come if you’re open to one and patient. Put yourself out there (even if the “out there” is initially just online), and with enough positive energy output, a good man’ll amble along, or mosey along, or whatever the f**k you call walking slowly in West Virginia.

The important thing is to stay upbeat, MIM. People are drawn to positive people. Keep looking up.

Hi JT,

I enjoy your new column. So here's my dilemma ... recently (I'm in my 30s) I've been telling friends I'm 'experimenting' or gay or whatever. Who cares.

I confided in a very good (and good looking) married friend who has been terrific. There's no question I dig the guy. I would never tell him because a) he's straight b) he's a friend and c) he's married. No good could come from it.

However, I think he knows. Pretty sure. He always asks me about my experiences, etc....

I'm worried he will soon ask me if I have an interest in him more than as a friend... (not because he has an interest, but because we have an incredibly honest relationship. of course, I fantasize about being with him).

Do I tell him the truth? Or simply say "the only thing that's important is our friendship?"

Don’t tell him. Sure, telling him will make you feel better in that it would remove the weight of that secret, but it would be a selfish move on your part. You’re hot for this guy, so you want the satisfaction of him knowing that. But he’s straight, and married, and your buddy. Telling him would only succeed in possibly weirding him out to the point where he feels uncomfortable around you.

Look, it happens for a lot of gay men that before they come out, the men they’re mostly exposed to are all straight, and therefore those are the men they get crushes on. After they gradually start to come out, you get the phenomenon where gay men say they’re only attracted to straight men, because they just haven’t met enough gay men to really compare. Then, after meeting a large enough contingent of the gays, their attractions shift to the proper vessel - ie, men who will go buck wild on their man-roots instead of just offering a sympathetic ear.

But quick question.

You’re in your 30’s, and you’re “experimenting or gay or whatever? Who cares?”

“Who cares?”

Uh, I do.

Do you really not know, dude? If you’ve only recently been telling people you’re training as a skin flautist, have you only recently been doing it, or is this an activity you’ve long been indulging in but hiding from the others in your life? It’s one thing to be bisexual, or fluid, but … I don’t know, there’s a vagueness to your self-identification that makes me raise my eyebrows in a disapproving yet compassionate manner, considering your age and the era we live in.

I understand for some people it takes time to be comfortable with who they are. But you seem plenty comfortable with being into dudes, and your nonchalance about it makes it seem like you're trying to seem cool and aloof when right now what you need to focus on more than anything is sincerity.

I think there’s a whole lot going on here beyond your question about your friend, but if that’s the only answer you want, you got it.

Don’t tell him.