Ask JT! Coming Out to Mom, My Boyfriend's Porn Collection Scares Me, and Gay Wedding Songs!

As always, your friendly neighborhood bartender is taking a break from his wild dating life to tackle your questions with his patented blend of advice and adult beverages. So slide on up to the bar my friends. Now, what can I get you?

Hey JT!

To begin with, I just have to say that I'm super excited about your new column - I absolutely love SGM Seeks LTR in NYC, and I'm sure the new advice column will be just as epic!

My question for you is about the oft repeated/re-enacted drama: the whole "coming out" deal. I know, I know, this is probably hackneyed as hell, but, eh, this seems to be that one area of my life that I need all the advice that I can get.

Now, I've come out to two friends and two cousins thus far: and I really don't have any reason to complain in that particular department- something that I'll always be grateful for. Having said that, however, I know for a fact that things will not be that "rosy" with my parents. My mom used to be publicly disgusted by homosexuals and homosexuality, but she's learned to mellow down a lot after repeated yelling matches from my end.

Recently, she even went so far as to drag me from my room to watch a Hindi TV Show featuring a gay couple- all excited like. I was pretty happy about this development, until a few days later, she starts on her rant about the kind of daughter-in-law she wants; even going as far as to call me out on why I keep getting irritated whenever that topic gets brought up.

So, I dunno: I guess I keep getting mixed signals from her; and right now I don't know how to proceed. Do I ease her into it, involving her in more LGBT related conversations and discussions, or do I wait for a few more years and then go for the jugular.

What's your take on the issue?

Ah, the old ‘coming out to Mom’ deal.

Okay, here’s the thing, dude. You and your mom were having epic throwdowns about gay rights without you being out. She started out firmly grossed out by the gays, but has recently “mellowed out.”

What’s more, now she’s putting on a show for you about how she’s okay with gay people (side note: there are Hindi TV shows about gay couples? Can you send me a Youtube clip because I have a friend who would love to see that) but she’s still waxing Mom-ish about what kind of daughter-in-law she wants.

Is she sending you mixed signals? Yes, totally. But she’s a mom, so that’s her prerogative.

Here’s what’s 99% likely going on. She totally knows that you’re gay, and she’s trying her best to be supportive while still respecting the fact that you haven’t told her, hence the TV show deal.

But she’s still your mom, and like all moms all over the world, she’s desperate for you to bring her adorable little grandbabies that she can spoil rotten. And since you haven’t explicitly stated that you’re gay, she’s grasping onto that tiny speck of hope that you still might bring about those adorable little grandbabies the old fashioned way.

As hard as it is for us ‘mos to come out to our parents, I actually think it’s even harder for our parents to ask us, which is why it’s usually the kid who has to take the lead. In a way, it’s the first step a lot of us take to becoming an adult.

You should come out to her sooner rather than later, since you've laid the groundwork with her and you've already started coming out to other people. It's good to keep the momentum going. But since your mom seems open to the idea (if not crazy about it), cut her a little slack. Don't go for the jugular. Go for the heart. Be gentle when you tell her and let her know how much it meant to you that she was really trying to change her views for the better.

You first mentioned coming out to your parents, but then only talked about your mom, so I don’t know how or if Dad fits into the picture, but brace yourself for the fact that it might be harder for him. A lot of times parents are more forgiving of their children of the opposite gender.

Good luck, dude.

Hey JT,

I’m a straight female in my late 20’s. I first came to your site because of the awesome Glee recaps [JT’s Note: All hail Christie Keith, Gleecapper to the Stars!] and from there I found your advice column.

I have a problem, and it mostly revolves around ... well, porn. 2 years ago I met my current boyfriend. We hit it off right away, get along great, have great sex, never fight, and have been living together for a year. I never thought it would be so easy living with someone, and the fire hasn’t diminished at all. We talk a lot about marriage, which makes me realy excited.

This may not be very progressive, but we have an old-fashioned, exclusively monogamous relationship, which we’ve both been very open about believing is the only way to go for both of us.

But here’s where I’m not sure about how I’m feeling. Recently, he called me from work and asked me to go onto his personal laptop and email him some files. We both have our own laptops, and I’ve always respected his privacy. But in the folder that had the files he asked me to send him, there was another folder named “School work.” I’m no dummy, I know what it means when guys have that on their PCs. I’m not proud of myself, but I took a peek, and saw he had a slew of porn in that folder. I mean, a LOT of porn. It wasn’t weird porn or excessively kinky or anything, just your standard people having sex on film.

My question is … is that normal? We have sex about twice a week on average. Am I not fulfilling his needs? Is this the first step in him looking to get fulfillment from other people? I can’t ask him about it, because I betrayed his trust by looking in that folder. And now I’m freaking out.

I'd like some help and a vodka tonic, please.

"So, uh ... whacha doing over there, honey?"