Gay in Color: Should Gay Men Choose Transracial Adoption?

Many people want to tell GLBT people how to have families, especially certain folks. Ask the Christian right and they’ll say, well: Don’t. Don’t get married or have kids.

Ask the gay blogosphere and many of them will say if you’re old like Elton John, don’t have babies. Or don’t have your own. Or don’t adopt in certain ways like open adoption. Or don’t use a surrogate. Rupert Everett is fine with gaybies, at least sort of: he’ll let you have babies but he’ll also tease you for using a surrogate.

I’m not here to tell gay people or prospective parents what to do. We’ve had enough of that. Yet as more and more gay parents show up on television, I would like to have a discussion about transracial adoption.

When it comes to adoption, transracial adoption is just one hot button issue in a field full of hot button issues, from the global adoption market to domestic issues over the foster care system. Doing a little research for this column led me through an endless forest of facts, political squabbles, celebrity controversies and impassioned arguments made about how gay people should build their families.

So let’s get something out of the way: I am not “against” any family planning model for gay people. There are simply too many different scenarios, personal issues and competing statistics to be fiercely ideological about such a personal decision.

But I will say this: I’m heartened to see so many gay television and media personalities exploring transracial adoption as well as the adoption of children of color. Celebs like Alec Mapa have spoken very passionately and convincingly about the challenges and rewards of adopting a child of another race and black gay men in the media, from Paris Barclay and Nathan Hale Williams, are also adopting.

Three cheers for them!

The most prominent and high profile examples on TV include Cameron and Mitchell on Modern Family and Kevin and Scotty’s adoption of an older child of color on Brothers and Sisters. I couldn’t find proof online, but Olivia appears to be a Latina, one who is clearly very bright but has been left behind by the system and shuffled from home-to-home.

Brothers and Sisters clearly gives us a rosy picture of adoption. Kitty (who also adopted a child of a race different from her own) and Kevin are both wealthy enough to give their children everything, and Kitty’s kid is too young to have identity issues, yet. While Olivia is dealing with illiteracy and fear of abandonment, she’s a generally sweet kid and it seems she’ll do fine.

In reality, adopting a child of a different race can be very challenging, especially if the child has been in the foster care system a long time. Critics are concerned, with good reason, that parents may not be able to help their child navigate the intricacies of race in America. Children whose parents are of a different race may, according to at least one study, show less racial pride than children whose parents are of the same race.

And don’t let TV fool you: transracial adoption isn’t very common. The New York Times reported a few years ago that only 13% of white parents adopted a child of a different race, and only one percent adopted a black child, though the number is rising.

Why am I “for” transracial adoption? Simply put, the foster care system isn’t at its best, and the statistics for those who stay in the system are quite bad. Children in the system are far less likely to get a high school or college degree, hold a steady job or stay out of prison. And a disproportionate number of these kids are black and Latino, who are less “desirable” for a variety of reasons.

Prospective black and Latino parents are doing their part, so let’s not downplay their efforts to take in and keep children out of the system. We have ample evidence that minority parents, especially in the South, foster children at higher rates than their white counterparts and a lot of that is off the books. In her book Gay Fatherhood, Ellen Lewin writes that “gay men of color, like other families of color … are more apt to parent nonbiological children through informal, often familial, arrangements.”

But there are only so many gay parents of color, and Lewin also reports that while white gay couples are more likely to adopt transracially than their straight counterparts, many go for “everything but” black children, perceiving Asian, Latino and mixed race children as an appropriate intermediary. (I imagine the reason Kevin and Scotty are adopting a Latina is Kitty already has a black kid. Ah, the politics of casting!).

I don’t want to sound evangelical about this. Choosing how to become a parent is a complicated decision. Some states don’t allow gay adoption; some allow one parent to adopt but not the other. Sometimes surrogacy is cheaper or more expedient – though it can be tremendously expensive.

Other couples might not feel up to parenting a child of different race. For those parents, there are counseling services available to screen if a couple is emotionally capable of taking care of such a child; some people clearly can’t do it. If you don’t feel ready or able, don’t do it.

And of course the real answer to some of my concerns is to reform the foster care system, which has been attempted several times in various cities and states for decades. There will always be children who end up without parents, for whatever reason, and likely never enough families who can take them on. Our foster care system should reflect the pride we take in our youth, but we neglect it, in part because they’re the kids we don’t care about it (and, once again, many of them are minorities).

So acknowledged: I’m not saying white gay parents are the answer. Of course not! Some people might read it that way. No. Not saying that!

But I don’t think it’s outrageous to congratulate those rare parents who are brave enough to care for a child who needs a home, who are aware of the racial the barriers and willing to overcome them. It doesn’t happen that often, but we should definitely encourage it when it does.