"Spartacus: Vengeance" Episode 3 Recap: "Here’s Mud In Your Eye"

This week’s episode of Spartacus: Vengeance featured a lot of pretty speeches and a lot of flinging mud—holy smokes, it’s the Republican primary, only with hot guys instead of—well, instead of Republicans.

We open in Sherwood Forest, where a group of slaves are being carted off to the mines to work for the Sheriff of Nottingham (or something like that.)

In a scene straight out of Robin Hood, Spartacus and his men descend upon the carriage and make short work of the guards. Seriously, at this point, being a Roman guard is like being an Imperial Stormtrooper—maybe the 401K is great, but you’re not going to live long enough to use it. During the battle Nasir, the artist formerly known as Tiberius, stabs one of the guards from behind, which prompts Agron to lovingly quip, “Good strategy—pop the man from behind.” Oh, baby. Don’t you know it.

Crixus asks the freed slaves if anyone has news about Naevia; they don’t. Crixus seems in a particularly foul mood, but I think he’s still pissed because Rami got kicked off of Project Runway: All Stars this week (the Klum of Doom would never have allowed that—seriously, somewhere, Nina Garcia is rolling over in her hyperbaric chamber/grave.) One of the guards tells Agron and Nasir that he knows the fate of Naevia, and he’ll tell them if they let him live. Riiight. Like even he thinks that’s going to actually happen. Agron rams his sword through the guy’s throat and tells Crixus that Naevia is dead. Crixus bellows like someone just took his last candy bar (hey, nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger—or I will cut a bitch, I swear.) Agron and Nasir exchange a secretive glance, and not the Ian Michael Black/Bradley Cooper Wet Hot American Summer kind of glance, either.

Back at the ludus, Gaius Hottius Glaber demands that Ashur prove his “loyalty” to him by slicing off the brand of Batiatus on his forearm. I swear, I don’t know what is wrong with me, but after seeing countless men and women brutally slaughtered on this show, including last week’s crazy face stabbing, this was actually the scene that made me close my eyes and cringe. Ugh! And that last drop of blood on the camera lens was a nice touch, proving that, in the good sense department, Spartacus: Vengeance’s art director is a taco short of a combination platter (for which we are eternally grateful!)

Virinius, a prominent Roman Praetor, comes to call with Illithyia’s father. Virinius is flirting mightily with Illithyia, which is kinda gross because she’s pregnant but even more gross because she’s, well, Illithyia, and two more stamps on her card means her next VD check-up at the clinic is free. Virinius brings with him good news: he plans two weeks of games to lift the spirits of the citizens of Capua in this dark time. As he puts it, he brings “blood and sport to remove this city from heavy thought of Spartacus.” So let me see if I understand correctly: you want the citizens of Capua to forget all the recent slaughter by having them sit down and watch a bunch more slaughter. Right. Hey, Alanis Morissette, take note: that’s ironic.