"The Voice" Recap: I Wanna Be This Dude's Lover

The Voice offered two types of auditions last night: the tolerable ones that I forgot within seconds, and the cutesy, squawky ones I can't forget when I try. And I keep trying. Just tried again, right now. In front of you. Before we jump into the auditions, let's cleanse the palate with our judges' Prince medley. Christina Aguilera rattles "1999" with her angry barf grunts, Adam Levine spices up "I Wanna Be Your Lover" with his cuckoo clock voice, but Blake Shelton's "Kiss" rendition steals the show as a surprise Opryland sensation. 

Now, time to revisit all the auditions we can stand -- and one hot screenshot that's ready for the Ivy League.

THE LINE (Hailee and Leland), Tom Petty's "American Girl"

As a functioning human being, I can't think of "American Girl" without also thinking of Buffalo Bill's squawking kidnappee in The Silence of the Lambs, and I can't think of Christina Aguilera without noticing how she'd be a breakthrough role for Anthony Hopkins. Imagine my chills when the duo of Hailee and Leland (a.k.a. The Line) closed this pop culture Venn Diagram with a rollicking rendition of "American Girl" and chose Christina as their mentor (over the three others, who all turned around). I'm wearing Clarice Starling's scared, befuddled grimace right now. Hailee and Leland twanged up and down, enjoyed themselves, and deserved to stay. Nothing monumental or all that memorable, but they made the right noises. Fine. Now eat each other, you two!

Jamar Rogers, "Seven Nation Army"

Jamar's sea-green jacket (with TAILS) and orange slacks gave off an air of "Nickelodeon game show host from 1987-89." That's high praise coming from me. Thankfully, his version of the White Stripes' "Seven Nation Army" lived up to his Crayola ensemble's pizazz, even if trying to outdo Jack White's Gothic grit isn't the best idea. Cee-Lo aboutfaced for him, and Jamar proceeded to gush about how he's followed Cee-Lo since the day they were both born, essentially. Cute guy, fine performance, orange pants for all time.

Gwen Sebastian, "Stay"

Gwen is one of those streaky-haired people in a cropped jacket who definitely gets no higher than 14th place on American Idol. That is a rule for the streaky/cropped crowd. She's Lacey Brown-meets-Lilly Scott, and that combination is not built for democratic victory. Naturally, "fragile chirping" is Gwen's thing, and naturally the three male judges pretended to respond to her vulnerability. Christina Aguilera slept, I think. Blake Shelton ultimately won her over with the old argument of "I AM A COUNTRY THANG, AND I LOOK ATCHA AS A COUNTRY THANG," and now she's on track to perform hits (?) by Brandi Carlile, Colbie Caillat, and Lady Antimatter.