AE's Gay Bisexual Questioning Flexisexual Agenda! What a Shocking Week!

Okay, that had to be one of the weirdest weeks ever in gay pop culture history, no? But before we get to that, I just wanted to note that I changed the name of this column to be a little more inclusive. Instead of being just AE's Gay Agenda, it's now going to be AE's Gay Bisexual Questioning Flexisexual Agenda. That should cover pretty much everyone!

Another change you'll soon see coming is that AfterElton.com is going to follow the lead of the New York Times and become a subscription site. As with the Times, after getting a certain number of AE articles for free, readers will have to pay a monthly fee depending on whether they use a computer, iPad, or iPhone. We're going to let you have 32 1/2 free articles a month, and then you'll have to subscribe for $28.49 a month to access  the site. Except for "AE's Gay Bisexual Questioning Flexisexual Agenda." This piece of crap column will always be free.

Now on to the week!

Probably the most surreal moment of the week had to be the National Football League announcing they were going to give $1 million dollars to the first active professional player to come out as gay or bisexual. Plus, to make up for any sponsorships the player might lose, the league has guaranteed that Doritos/Frito Lay will make the player their spokesman and feature him in a commercial during next year's Super Bowl.

Why is the NFL doing this now? Apparently, the league wants to be more proactive in dealing with GLBT issues, but they only think that will happen if there is a player who comes out before he retires.

Earlier in the week, GayESPN.com speculated that the NFL's move is also being driven by the fact that so many professional European athletes have been coming out including Gareth Thomas, Irish hurler Dónal Óg Cusack, English cricket player Steven Davies, and professional contact Scrabble player Wilhelm Cornwall from the Isle of Mann. This was later confirmed when NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters, "I've always been concerned that the NFL looks homophobic since there are no out players and since so many Philadelphia Eagle fans yell homophobic slurs at opposing teams and their sons who seem effeminate. And come on! There is a gay hurler before there is a gay American football player? That's ridiculous. And what the hell is hurling anyway?"

Stay tuned to see if any of the players take the offer. I'm not holding my breath.

No doubt I'm not the only one expecting a total trainwreck on tomorrow night's Saturday Night Live which features Elton John as host. Why am I expecting a trainwreck? Well, for starters, the show has always been hit and miss when it comes to gay content, and I worry what they have in store for Elton. But even worse, for the life of me I can't figure out why SNL thinks it is funny to bring back Victoria Jackson for a couple of skits with Elton. Even weirder is Elton agreeing to that, but perhaps he thinks he can be a good influence on Jackson, much the same way he thinks he was with Rush Limbaugh.

As for Jackson's reasons for doing the show, well, for starters she clearly needs the work, but she also tweeted the following after her appearance was announced: "God told me the sodomites' child would be in audience & that I was to take it and raise it in a heterosexual household no matter how batshi"

Apparently, Jackson has yet to master the brevity of 140 characters.

***HUGE GLEE SPOILER ALERT***

Elsewhere, while it is great news that Darren Criss has been cast in the lead of his own pilot for next season, Glee fans were not amused by how he was being written out of that show. Turns out that Glee creator Ryan Murphy is a huge fan of the horror movie Carrie and that the big Glee prom finale episode is going to be a tribute to that.

And that's where the Glee Kurt/Blaine controversy begins. According to sides obtained by AfterElton, just after Kurt and Blaine are crowned Prom King and King, Rachel (Lea Michele), who will be playing Carrie, will perform the Barbra Streisand classic "Don't Rain on My Parade." Just as she hits the emotional climax of the song, she'll use use her telekinetic powers to destroy McKinley High. As Kurt and Blaine flee, Blaine will be crushed under a two ton slushee machine brought in just for the prom. As Blaine lays dying in Kurt's arms, he gets in one last solo, performing "My Heart Will Go On" even though it won't be for very long. An enraged Kurt will then drown Dave Karofsky in a pool of cherry slushee.

While that's satisfying and all, that's yet two more dead gay characters on television and many Gleeks are furious.

Finally in the week of bizarro gay news almost too strange to believe, it was announced that Perez Hilton was going to be writing a children's book and that the initial print run would be 75,000 copies. Titled The Boy With Pink Hair, Hilton says the book is all about individuality and self-acceptance and in a release added "This story is about every kid that's ever had a dream, felt excluded, wanted to belong, and hoped that one day they could do what they loved and make a difference."

Okay, this entire column is an April Fool's joke! But you knew that when you read the bit about Perez Hilton, didn't you? I mean no one would ever let him write a children's book, right? Right? Wrong! Sigh...

Now go have yourselves a faboo April 1st! Oh, and please don't give away the joke in the subject line of your comments!