Liveblogging "Days of our Lives:" A First Taste of SWILL

Hey, if they didn't want us to portmanteau these two guys, they shouldn't have named them Sonny and Will.

Anyway, welcome to the first AfterElton.com Days of our Lives Liveblog!

For those uninitiated with the show, below you can see a handy reference guide to some of the whackadoodles you may encounter, as well as their major malfunctions, and how (or if) they're related to Will and Sonny.

Feel free to print out and laminate.

Abigail - Will's maternal half cousin, she's the daughter of classic soap couple Jack and Jennifer. Has hot pants for Chad.

Adrienne - Sonny's mother, she married Justin for the third time a few months ago. Owns the ironically titled bar Cheatin' Heart.

Bo - Salem Police Commissioner, he's back together with Hope. Will's mother Sami is Bo's maternal half-niece, so that makes Will ... i have no friggin' idea.

Brady - Will's maternal second-cousin, he's the ex-husband of Chloe, and sex on a stick.

Carly - Dumped by Bo, she's dealing with a slight drug problem. As in, she can't pass a pill bottle without grinding up its contents and snorting it through a pixie stick.

Chad - The son of crime lord Stefano, he was once in a rivalry with Will for a girl's affection. It didn't last.

Chloe - Will's ex stepmother, she's also divorced from Brady and divorced from Daniel. Currently being blackmailed into prostitution by Quinn, with whom she had a drunken one night stand. Slowly making her way through every hot guy in Salem.

Daniel - Salem's resident hot doctor, he had a fling with Will's grandmother. Has great hair.

EJ - Will's ex-stepdad, he also slept with Will's grandmother. Hot asshat. Was recently pummeled by Brady.

Hope - Former model/cop/bounty hunter, she leaves a trail of batcrap in her wake. Will's maternal first cousin, she was tossed in prison for being the Salem Mugger, but rescued by Bo after they discovered the prison was harvesting organs.

Jennifer - Will is her paternal half-nephew. Currently dating Doctor Daniel, while ex Jack is floating around Europe somewhere.

Justin - Sonny's father, he previously turned the world of Oakdale, Illinois where he was known as psychotic ventriloquist Sam.

Kate - Stefano's wife and Will's grandmother, she's soap's hottest GILF, having had flings with both EJ and Doctor Daniel.

Nicole - Will's ex stepmother, she also had a fling with Brady and is married to EJ. Her former porn name is Misty Circles.

Quinn - Vivian's son, and the new drug lord/pimp of Salem. Stubble makes him obviously evil.

Rafe - Will's (current) stepfather, his sister Gabi is "dating" Will. EJ and Stefano created a doppelganger of Rafe to create havoc.

Sami - Will's mother, her life is a hot, fabulous mess.

Stefano - Will's step-grandfather, he's also Chad and EJ's father. Crime lord of Salem. Has survived: stroke, car crash , being burned alive, another car explosion, drowning, plane explosion, being blown up and buried under a collapsing tunnel.

Taylor - Nicole's sister, she has hot pants for Nicole's husband EJ.

Victor - Drug kingpin. Had affair with Will's grandmother (and both plotted at one time to kill Sami).

Vivian - Fabulous troublemaker, her son Quinn is now in time and following in her footsteps.

Before we start, I have to confess that I'm a recent watcher of DOOL, so like many of you, this liveblog will be a learning experience for me on the craziness of Salem. Feel free to comment during the action to fill us in on any info you think will be helpful!

1:05 PM EST: We start with Taylor and Hope getting into it on the pier. Taylor pushes Hope, who hits her head and is knocked unconscious. Taylor is frantic, but c'mon, it's not like this is the first time Hope has passed out on the pier. Zing!

Will and Gabi are in their gowns and tassles taking pictures of themselves while an annoying classmates prattles on about how graduation is lame and how she already knows everything there is to know about the world and doesn't need any adult to tell her differently.

GILF shows up at the hospital with Stefano, and they both want Bo to tell them what happened to EJ. Misty Circles is curious, too, and asks Bo to explain.

1:10PM ESTGabi gets bad news on the phone, and tells Will that her mother broke her leg and won't be at graduation. Will says, "Are you kidding?" Really, Will?

1:15 PM EST Bo explains that he was just taking EJ's statement, and he has no idea how the plug got pulled and the breathing tube ripped out, and that pillow over EJ's face.

Justin and Adrienne find Hope passed out on the pier, and contemplate stepping over her, but ultimately decide to help out.

It turns out that EJ is bleeding internally, and has to to be taken to surgery. Chad starts smoldering and tells Stefano, "I need to find out what happened to my brother. Maybe If i stand here, my hotness will attract a clue."

1:20PM EST Abigail is randomly walking around and inexplicably runs into Sonny (on second thought, this town is about 500 square feet, so it's not surprising). As they hug, Gabi and Will see them, raising their suspicions. But Gabi explains that they're cousins, and Will is relieved, especially when he shakes Sonny's hand and they have instant chemistry.

Sonny explains that he just graduated from West Beverly Hills High, and is nursing a broken heart (he found out the blond god he was dating had to repeat the 12th grade ... fifteen times).

1:25 PM EST: Stefano and Kate run afoul of a strong-willed nurse, who has instantly become my favorite character. She basically tells Stefano to take his threats and shove them.

Sonny and Abigail talk about what's been going on in their lives. She tells him that she's dating Chad, and Sonny is taken aback when he finds out that Chad is Stefano's son.

Misty Circles is talking to herself in the park while wearing a hideous belt. She sees the ghost of her mother, who asks for vengeance against EJ.

1:35 PM EST: Kinsey is whining about ... stuff, and Gabi finally tells her to put a cork in it. Kinsey bites back, saying Gabi is just cranky because she and Will still haven't "done the deed." Gabi is furious, but when Will comes in, she runs up to him and demands a kiss. Will says, 'Right here, in front of people, with our lips pressed together, and you a girl?" Gabi takes matters into her own hands and plants one on Will, who opens his eyes halfway through, which is the international sign for "You're sweet, but i'm not feeling it."

1:40 PM EST Misty Circles is still seeing her mother's ghost, who tells her "Rafe killed me because of what EJ did to him, and if I wasn't dead already, the sight of that belt you're wearing would finish the job. Oh, and get your sister away from EJ."

After face-hugging Will in front of his grandmother, Gabi suggests they hit the sheets. Will says, "Well, my mother called, and wants me to run errands, and ... um ... it's the middle of the day ... and I gotta go." Gabi tries not to take it personally, but c'mon.

1:45 PM EST After Will runs off, his great-grandmother Caroline takes Gabi aside to speak to her about Will. Uh-oh. Gabi is upset that she embarrassed him in front of everyone, but Caroline explains that Will doesn't want to go too quickly because ... Sami was so young when she had Will, and he doesn't want to make the mistakes his mother made.

Gabi buys it.

1:50 PM EST Will comes back, and asks Gabi why she was talking with his great-grandma about their relationship. She explains that she knows he wants to take it slow, and she doesn't want him to change anything for her. Oh Gabi, honey. Who are you trying to convince?

Sonny meets up with his parents, and he tells them that he already walked all around town, and what a great five minutes that was. He says he can't wait to meet his Uncle Victor, which elicits an awkward pause and stare from his parents.

His parents tell him that it's "not a good time" to meet Uncle Victor. Sonny is able to deduce that the actual reason is that ... Victor doesn't know he exists.

Speaking of convincing, Taylor is trying to convince EJ that Rafe was the one who pummeled him. And all I can think is, "When does EJ get his sponge bath?"

Well, that's it

Is it just me, or do the hot guys wear a lot of plaid in this town?

We won't be liveblogging tomorrow, which is unfortunate because Brady will be shirtless, but we'll let you know the next time Will and Sonny are scheduled to appear.

So what do you think about Salem? Too crazy ... or just crazy enough?