Morning Meme: Taylor Lautner No Longer a Stretch, Mullally Serenades Ron Swanson

Bad news, fellow Skat Kats: Paula Abdul is leaving The X Factor. This is definitely code for "Straight up, she's fired," which means we should honor Paula by remembering the reasons she's valuable to our kind -- namely, "Vibeology." Indulge, children. And mourn.

Oh, also? Steve Jones, host of The X Factor, and judge Nicole Scherzinger are goners too. Yep. Toast. This is less stressful than Paula's departure, but we should honor Nicole by remembering the reasons she's (semi-)valuable to our kind -- namely, "Don't Hold Your Breath," her underrated single from last year. Indulge, children. And try to care.

I'm still waiting for Susan Sarandon to top her performance in Atlantic City, but maybe she'll work it on the next season of The Big C: The Dead Man Walking Oscar winner is set to costar alongside Laura Linney for its upcoming return. Pretty fabulous, no? I'm rooting for a hospital rendition of "Mother Lover."

Gossip Girl just celebrated its 100th episode. Take that, Community. And mankind.

Do you think when Cynthia Nixon clairifies her sexual orientation in the press, she has family members who respond, "Cynthia! You're such a Miranda"? I'm routinely called a Miranda. And that's nice, because Miranda Hobbes is the closest thing Sex and the City ever came to imagining a real human being.

Jennifer Lawrence, who will triumph as Katniss in The Hunger Games this spring, will also reunite with Bradley Cooper in Serena, a period piece that takes place in 1929 North Carolina. This may mean that we'll reunite with Bradley Cooper's snide, yet adorable mug. You go, Jennifer.

Oscar-winner Natalie Portman is a bigtime TV producer now. She co-sold a pilot to ABC called Scruples, about the ruthless, vindictive world of fashion design. Hopefully Tim Gunn will play a meek, yet ladylike editor.

Wiki-dude Julian Assange will be part of The Simpsons' 500th episode. He plans on taping his voice role from afar.

The big, bad, awful, Stretch Armstrong movie lost its star in Taylor Lautner: They'll have to find someone else who's too good for movies based on action figures, yet just bad enough to star in Abduction. Sometimes I try to picture what Lautner's career will look like in 25 years, and it gives me brain freeze -- mainly because it requires picturing what Lautner will look like in 25 years.

Miley Cyrus broke her ass while horsing around at her house. You heard it here first -- and best, I say.

John Stamos is circling a comedy pilot called Little Brother for CBS. Do you also think Stamos has plenty more comic prowess to share? No? We don't have to speak or hum the Full House theme at each other.

Officially, today is 'The Artist' Day in L.A. Can't wait for marquee pooch Uggie to make everyone cry and clap again. Even if you're bored with The Artist's manipulative machinations, it's impossible not to sniffle a little before the movie's final act.

Mindy Kaling and Louis C.K. are cool to love, so you can openly cheer for her new pilot at Fox, and his new pilot at CBS: But hurry now! They might not be cool in about 9 minutes.

Alec Baldwin bobbled and leaked that Justin Bieber will host SNL! Justin Bieber will never forgive Alec for this sudden blitz of wonderful publicity. Shame on him.

Judging by Madonna's Super Bowl stage design, she might be performing "Vogue." Flashing the word "Vogue" across the stage seems like a tipoff.