Morning Meme: Elijah Wood Is "Saucy Gay Friend," Ben Cohen Takes America, and What's Your Unicorn Name?

I’m back! And coming to you from the shiny new AfterElton.com satellite office in Sophia, WV. Yeah, everyone else thinks it’s weird I’m here, too. Did you miss me? I missed you. Well, some of you. I’ve got a mix of new news and things I think we should have talked about last week, so let’s get to it.

Peter Jackson has decided to release his Hobbit films in December of 2012 and 2013. He’s also decided to title the first The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, and the second The Hobbit: There and Back Again. He’s yet to name the giant vault he must be building to put in all the money that he’s going to make.

While we were all spending time with friends and family in the U.S., honoring those who served and gave their lives, not everything went well. In very gay Rehoboth Beach, Washington Blade reporter Chris Johnson was attacked and beaten on his way to the Blue Moon Bar. I’ve met Chris, and he’s a remarkably intelligent, thoughtful guy, and I wish him a speedy recovery and swift justice.

Ellen DeGeneres and Portia have reportedly put their Beverly Hills compound on the market. Rumored asking price? $60 million dollars. But as a bonus, you basically own the entire street, and she bought one house just because it could see into her yard.

Speaking of homes, at If It Were My Home, you can compare basic essentials of life, from income, HIV rates, health care and such between almost any pair of countries. Being a citizen of the U.S., I basically would have to give up money to live anywhere else, but it looks like my expenses would drop drastically and my quality of life would go through the roof.

If this profile in Financial Times is any indication, I do believe that Stephen Fry is as enamored with Lady Gaga as is every other gay man. Somehow, I find that surprising. I also find it surprising that this story is in the Financial Times, but they do touch on the fact that at one point when Lady Gaga had five #1 singles, she was completely bankrupt.

In a hard hitting investigation that includes highlighting and circling each character’s bulge, Vulture rates just How Vulnerable Are Superheroes Crotches? Spandex doesn’t provide nearly the defense that a metal codpiece does, but no bulge seemed to match up to Captain America’s.

Lisa Kudrow, who really can’t do a project since Friends without a gay aspect, is set to host the Webby Awards.

For reasons that I can’t quite fathom, Jordan is preparing to open a $1 billion, 184-acre Star Trek themed amusement park in 2014. No word on which of the franchise it will focus on, but if they want people to buy tickets, I’d avoid Enterprise.

Tonight, Capitol Pride will kick off Pride Month with a screening of Gay Pioneers. As a bonus, Frank Kameny and Lilli Vincenz will be on hand for a Q&A after the screening.

I’m guessing James Franco is going more the comedy route with Oz, The Great and Powerful since he’s looking to cast Zach Braff as Frank, the Wizard’s loyal assistant. But will Michael Jensen still be as enamored with Braff without his bromantic partner?

Sir Elton John and David Furnish are nominated for Celebrity Dads of the Year in the U.K. It’s believed to be the first time a gay couple has been in the running.

As the publicity machine for Beginners gears up, Christopher Plummer tells People about his character’s late-in-life coming out. “There's no shame to it—it frees him. It gives you such hope that you can feel happy about the end of your life rather than feel sorry for yourself.”

Rep. Mike Turner, the top Democrat in Tennessee says that bills like “Don’t Say Gay” and repealing local anti-discrimination ordinances make the state look “buck toothed and barefoot.” If there’s an upside to these horrible bills for me, it’s that suddenly West Virginia looks progressive.

Remember that story about how cats drink, creating a vortex of water with their fancy tongue action? Well it turns out dogs do the same thing, instead of just lapping it up. So there’s another myth of cat superiority blown out of the … water.

Mark Zuckerberg doesn’t just run one of the most terrifying companies in the world, the Facebook founder is also now trying to appreciate his food more. How’s he doing that? By only eating what he kills himself. He’s been blogging about it, and getting a lot of hate mail. But his logic actually makes a lot of sense. But I’m still just going to the market.

The House approved the anti-gay Armed Forces appropriations bill, with measures in place to halt Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell repeal, and restrict facilities on bases further from military spouses. The bill passes with a disappointing number of Democratic votes.

Roseanne Barr is in negotiations for a recurring role on Chelsea Handler’s Are You There Vodka? sitcom as Handler’s aunt. It’s unclear if she’d play young Chelsea’s aunt, or Handler’s aunt, since Handler is playing young Chelsea’s mother.

To prep you for our own upcoming interviews with the cast of Torchwood: Miracle Day, Entertainment Weekly talked to John Barrowman. He says the heart of the show is still there, and that Captain Jack “gets to have full-on boy-sex a couple of times. On those days going to work I’d wake up and Scott my partner would say, ‘What are you filming today?’ And I’d say, ‘Oh it’s going to be a tough day, I get to have sex with a 24 year old.’”

But maybe the most shocking quote came from Russell T. Davies, ““The portrayal of gay, bisexual, and lesbian characters [in America] is currently way ahead of Britain. The kids on Glee, the beauty and detail of that couple on Modern Family. We’ve got nothing like that. Even a nice Republican sitcom like $#*! My Dad Says, a show I quite liked, was stacked with intelligent gay-friendly stories, and that’s in a corner you’d never expect to find them. Of course, it’s all the gay men and women sitting on writing teams pushing their stories forward, which I think is wonderful.”

Elijah Wood, a longtime crush of mine, is not only coming to television in Wilfred, he’s also joining the cast of Celeste and Jesse Forever, in which he plays Celeste’s business partner, described as a “saucy gay friend.”

And finally, I want you to know about the Unicorn Name Generator. Unicorns are magical creatures, and deserves special names. This one will generate your own unicorn name, along with your special attributes. Mine is Bracken Misty Horse. “Bracken is generous of spirit and always thinks the best of others. He is misty like the blue mountains, and he chases the nightmares away.” Tell us about yours in the comments!