Monkey Uncaged: How Should a Gay Teen Go to His Prom?

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Q: This question is not pop-culture-related but gay-life-related. I am 17 and in high school. That means that prom is coming up, and I can't avoid it because I am not ready to come out and it's a lot easier to find reasons why you can't go to any other school dance. So I was wondering if you could give me some advice on how to deal with it because I don't know who to ask. — Anonymous

A: I think most of us read the news last week about Constance McMillan, the Mississippi teen who asked to take her same-sex date to the prom, only to see the school cancel the entire event rather than let that happen. Now comes word that parents in town have organized a "private" alternative prom and — naturally — Constance is not invited.

But this is a story where everyone is going to get exactly what they deserve: other folks are organizing an "inclusive" private prom for GLBT and straight kids alike, and Constance will not only get to attend that, no matter what else she does in life, she will always be remembered for the brave choice and the difference she made this year.

Meanwhile, the mean-spirited adults and students who are openly choosing bigotry will probably not get the personal notoriety they deserve, but they’ll continue to live in a place of hate and evil. And it’s only going to get worse for them as the years pass and their bigotry is increasingly rejected, and their memories of this incident grow ever-more-bitter.

"What was your prom like?" their teenage children will ask them 25 years from now, and they'll have to admit, if only to themselves, that their prom was a test of their basic humanity — and that they failed it, just like the angry bigots who fought desegregation in the 1950s and 60s.

I find these people sad: they’ve ruined their own prom, which should be a special time, turning it into something dark and bitter. But you know what? They're actively choosing to ruin their own prom, so it's hard to feel much sympathy.

A little good news? The controversy over Constance inspired 18 -ear-old Derrick Martin (above, right) to take his boyfriend to the prom at his small-town Georgia high school — and they agreed not to fight him. Unfortunately, his parents are far less enlightened and Derrick is now living at a friend's house, apparently at his parents' request. 

But what about your prom, Anonymous? Who should you take? Here are the options as I see them:

Option One: Go as an Out Gay Teen and Take a Same-Sex Date

This is obviously what we're all working toward: the right to be yourself and have it be No Big Deal. But it sounds like that's not an option for you.

And that's perfectly okay!

As much as I applaud Constance and Derrick, keep in mind that what is right for them, the choices they're making, are not necessarily the right choices for everyone.

Everyone's circumstances — their family life, their social support system, their religious traditions, their particular school — are completely different. Your personal safety and your own future must always come first. Come out when you're good and ready, and not a minute before. And if anyone tells you otherwise, tell them the Flying Monkey is going to come and claw their tongue out if they don't shut the hell up.

But if this option is out, what else is there?

Option Two: Take a Female Who Thinks It’s a Romantic Date.

This is the only option I really wouldn’t recommend under any circumstances. The closet is a terrible thing, because it forces you to lie. But that doesn't give you an excuse to lie unnecessarily, or in a way that will cause harm to others (especially some poor, sweet girl who will probably be your total ally once she knows the truth).

If this is your only option, I'd recommend coming up with some reasonably-plausible excuse — "It's the only weekend my grandfather can take me fishing for the weekend, and my mom says he's too old for me not to go!" — and not going to the prom at all.

Next Page! There must be other options! There are.