Kookaburra Shoved into Closet! Who Will Become the Gayest in the Animal Kingdom Now?

Sad news from Australia last week: The gayest goose in the animal kingdom was shoved into the closet. Yes — that merry king of the bush, that laughing lark, that faithful old gum tree-dweller, the kookaburra, has been stripped of his gayness.

Cry, kookaburra! Cry, kookaburra! A lie your life must be!

A gay kookaburra adjusts to his new closeted life.

My good buddy Jade Gulliver of Melbourne's JOY 94.9FM (Diff'rent Strokes! Wednesdays at 8! Listen live!) alerted me to the catastrophe. It seems kids at Cheltenham’s Lepage Primary in Victoria have been instructed to replace "how gay your life must be" with "how fun your life must be" in the best children's song ever.

Still adjusting.

Principal Garry Martin said yesterday he taught the lyrics to grade one pupils using an old tape of the famous song.

“It uses gay and I just suggested to kids, ‘Nowadays that can mean different things, so let’s just sing a fun old time’,” he said. “It was my decision to replace it. I guess that was hypersensitive of me.”

Mr Martin said some children used “gay” to bully others without knowing the meaning of the expression. “Political correctness is to the fore in schools – what’s appropriate and what isn’t – and sometimes we rightly or wrongly err on the side of caution,” he said.

Well, his heart was in the right place.

This closeted thing is harder than he thought.
Forget going to the Scissor Sisters concert or reading Time Gunn's autobiography.

This isn't the first time gay animals have come under attack. Why, just last season on Parks and Recreation, Leslie Knope was forced to transfer two penguins from the Pawnee Zoo when outraged citizens began lining the zoo's walls with "Flipper and Eve! Not Flipper and Steve!" graffiti.

And so, of course the New York Times also had to weigh in. "Can Animals Really Be Gay?" they asked.

Answer: Yes, apparently.

"Homosexual animals are not regarded with suspicion by their own species," a zoo director told NYT. "There is absolutely no rejection of homosexual companions, like you often find with humans."