Review: "Hot Tub Time Machine" Gets the 80s Spot-on (at Least the Gay Panic Part)

I'm annoyed with John Cusack. There's absolutely no reason why a star of his magnitude couldn't have read the script to Hot Tub Time Machine, and said, "Sure, I'll do it! At least if you do away with some of these unnecessary 'gay panic' jokes."

And while he was at it, he could've said, "You know, where's the rule that says that women in mainstream American film comedies have to be nothing more than generic girlfriends or mindless sex maniacs?"

Then again, I don't know why I'm so certain John Cusack is an intelligent, thoughtful person. Because he once starred in a Woody Allen movie I liked? Because I think his sister Joan is hilarious?

Here's the thing: Hot Tub Time Machine isn't really homophobic enough to inspire any great outrage. Four guys go back to 1986 via a magical hot tub (a premise and title I think are fantastic, for what it's worth).

One of the guys is a homophobe with a couple of indications he might be gay-curious. I'm sure the producers and writers told themselves, "He's a total idiot! Of course he'd be homophobic!"

And I can go there, really I can. 

What irritated me is an extended sequence in the middle of the movie where two of the guys make a bet on a football game (that they can't lose, because they know the future), and they're even willing to bet that one guy will give the other guy oral sex if they lose.

Well, sure enough, they lose (for a reason so stupid you kinda feel like the screenwriter is mooning you).

This sets up a sequence where they have to go through with it — and, well, you've already seen variations on this "gay chicken" gag 50,000 times before.

Here we go again: gay panic, the fear that a straight guy might have to do something "gay," is just the most hilarious thing in the world.

Are we still not beyond this?

And John? This is the script you thought would save your sinking career? Really? Wow, your opinion of humanity is even lower than mine.

If I wanted to be clever, I could make a point about how the movie gets absolutely everything about the 1980s right — including the gay panic humor.

But honestly, this movie isn't worth the effort of my being clever. As I said, it's not that it's outrageously offensive or wildly bad.

It's just sort of mildly gay-offensive and absolutely mediocre in every way.

Oh, I smiled a few times, and I especially liked that they never really "explain" the hot tub time machine — it just sort of happens (although they have to muck even that up by having an unfunny Chevy Chase show up as a "repairman" to make some cryptic comments about how to get home).

And I guess it's a clever nod to Back to the Future that Crispin Glover has a role.

But this movie, which I was actually excited to see because of the clever title, reminds me again just how completely and utterly stupid American movie comedies have become.

A bunch of straight middle-aged loser-guy characters mug for the camera and learn some treacly lesson, in between a series of gross-out jokes.

Please tell me in which decade movies will start to be funny again, and put me in a hot tub pointed there.