Review: With "Heartbeats," Bisexuals Get an Arthouse Movie Full of Prententious Cliches to Call Their Own

At one point in Heartbeats (Les Amours Imaginaires), a new French-Canadian film getting a limited release this week about a bisexual love triangle, the characters joke about pretentious arthouse films.

Which is funny, because that's exactly what this movie seemed to me in every imaginable way. No arthouse film cliche goes unused: the documentary-like interviews with extraneous characters, lots of distracting, self-indulgent shots of, say, people's shoes rather than their faces, the same classical strings you swear you've heard a thousand times in movies like this, and — most of all — a maddening disinterest and maybe even outright hostility toward both plot and character.

Marie and Francis (played by the film's 21-year-old writer-director, Xavier Dolan) both meet Nicolas, a handsome ethereal-type who seems to have no discernible personality whatsoever. (To be fair, Marie and Francis don't have discernible personalities either, other than, "she wears retro clothes," and "he has big, elaborately-gelled hair.")

Marie and Francis both fall in love with and start dating Nicolas — and when I say dating, I don't mean "at the same time." I mean, "Together." As in, they go on all their dates and vacations together, and they all sleep together in the same bed (with Nicolas "in the middle"), even though they never apparently do anything sexual.

Both Marie and Francis seem to resent this, which suggests to me that it'd be a problem in a three-way relationship. Then again, this isn't a three-way relationship, which, frankly, would've been an interesting topic for a movie. No, it's two people dating the same person at the same time in each other's presence. But weirdly, no one ever says anything about any of this or thinks it's strange that this dating situation is apparently just how Nicolas rolls.

The filmmaker has plenty of time for long, lingering shots of a woman putting on her lipstick or a man sitting on the bed thinking. But he has absolutely no time to spend explaining even the most basic elements of plot and character. What is it about Nicolas that is so charming that Francis can't eat a marshmallow without seeing an image of Nicolas under an evocative rain of marshmallows? What is it about Francis that he puts up with such a weird love affair, especially given all the times he's already been dumped?

I have absolutely no idea, and I suspect filmmaker Dolan doesn't either. Indeed, the third act twist (if I'm interpreting it correctly) is so ridiculous that I'm semi-convinced the whole movie is meant to be an elaborate joke with this as the punchline.

I actually love the idea of a movie about two directionless twentysomethings who are willing to do anything, and convince themselves of anything, for love. But it still has to be earned.

To be fair, the movie is well-acted, and filmmaker Dolan definitely has a way with visual imagery. You might even say he has a certain panache, especially for a 21-year-old. But in a feature film, visual panache only works when it's serving some kind of greater story. This is a problem when you've taken ten minutes of plot and stretched it out to two hours .

What of the film's portrayal of bisexuality? Since it was hard for me to take any of this seriously, it's hard to take its portrayal of anything seriously either.

That said, the film has received rave reviews in some quarters, and even won an award or two. It clearly isn't my thing, but it might be yours. How to tell? Watch the trailer, below. Please note that the trailer is full of exquisite imagery — and virtually no plot to speak of. Expect two hours of that.