New Trailer Shows That “Cowboys and Aliens” Is, In Fact, About Cowboys and Aliens

Just because many of us here at AfterElton.com happen to be gay doesn’t mean the only films we are interested in are bad indie flicks about gay guys living in Chelsea or brooding coming out stories from South America. We also want to see big budget Hollywood movies that are probably going to suck and won't have any actual plot that makes sense.

Which brings us to … Cowboys & Aliens! Which just released a new trailer. Which is totally cool. Check it out.

When DreamWorks announced that they were adapting Scott Mitchell Rosenberg’s graphic novel Cowboys & Aliens for the big screen, not many people were clamoring for plot spoilers. After all, anyone who reads the title could probably tell that this is going to be a high-concept action film that stages an epic fight between two of pop culture’s most iconic characters: mummies and Frankensteins.

Kidding! Hollywood won’t make that movie unless C&A makes a bazillion dollars first.

Here are few tidbits about the movie which we've discerned from the trailer.

First, it begins with Daniel Craig waking up in the desert with amnesia and a weird bracelet on his wrist. It actually looks like something you might buy in Chelsea, so the movie is already a little gay. Plus his shirt is also unbuttoned, so even a little more gay!

Turns out we’re actually in the Old West. I believe there was a similar opening scene in The Searchers, only instead of mystery jewelry and James Bond pecs, there was a kidnapping. Otherwise, exactly the same.

What's this? And where are my glowsticks?

We also learn that at some point in the film, Craig gets in a bar fight. Probably because he’s angsty and thinks he deserves to be finished off for being a bad guy who is really good deep down. Plus his face bounces.

From this angle, he looks like Dolph Lundgren. Or a dead person.

Craig eventually winds up in jail, where he stares at the bars and poses until the aliens come. This is the Dark Night of the Soul section of Cowboys & Aliens.

And the prison toilets are where exactly?

Pretty soon, Craig escapes and gets a hat, probably in that order. Then he blasts at things with his bracelet which is probably unusual for the Old West. I guess he found the instruction manual tucked into his back pocket?

In hindsight, the aliens regret giving their most
powerful weapon to the guy they’re trying to kill.

For a half-second, the trailer reveals a very important clue to the alien’s master plan. They want to gather up as many extras as possible, and turn them into human marionettes. Apparently, aliens are huge Howdy Doody fans. Or maybe they are actually buskers trying to make a buck. Either way, they also like murder.

For our Australian readers, replace the following Howdy Doody reference with Mr. Squiggle.

Another part of their master plan: probes. What’s an alien movie without probes after all?

The unflattering green light is either because of the
spaceship’s lighting, or because this is a flashback.

We also get a quick glimpse at an alien hand, and can assume from this single body part that all intelligent extraterrestrial life forms look like Pumpkinhead. Or that Joan Rivers is their Queen.

“Watch out, Glax. You’re leaving a slime trail on the equipment.”

The aliens also drive around in spaceships that look like either centipedes or vertebrae. You know, the most aerodynamic designs they could find.

I think this shot pretty much sums up the viewing experience of Cowboys & Aliens.
Stare at this for two hours and you’ll be good.

The final piece of information that this trailer reveals is that Olivia Wilde is in it, and she gets naked in front of a campfire and dozens of cowboys. Why is she naked? Because this movie is aimed squarely at heterosexual men in their 20s. It doesn’t matter how or why Wilde gets naked, just that she does. Have you never seen a Hollywood blockbuster before?

The glowing nakedness is, of course, integral to the plot because it, um, distracts the aliens … or something.

Maybe this is actually a deleted scene from Tron: Legacy.
I think if you squint, you can see Jeff Bridges in the background.

When this film debuts in July, all of these plot points will fit together in one glorious sci-fi/western package. There will be explosions, bracelets, marionette corpses, and long scenes of Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford bickering at each other like a couple in a May/December romance.

In conclusion, while the title gives away much of the plot, the trailer shows that there are many more surprises waiting for us.

Like Daniel Craig’s face bouncing.