Sometimes a Wand is just a Wand (But Sometimes It Isn't!)

So we're about to see the release of the latest (and last) Harry Potter movie.

Cue the latest, endless round of wand/penis jokes.

Then again, it's a movie where every guy has his own personal "wand," which is a hard shaft extended out or upright that often spews out various liquid-like substances.

Not surprisingly, this is a straight line too tempting for many of us to ignore.

Still, it's just a joke. Most of the time, a wand is just a wand.

But … not all the time. That scene where Tom Cruise and Rebecca De Mornay have sex on the subway in Risky Business and the scene ends with the train going into a tunnel? That's not really about the subway, now, is it?

So let's take a look at some famous movie and TV imagery – and decide once and for all if they're talking about penises. I'll make my call on the degree to which there's actual penis subtext using a four-part rating scale: soft, semi, firm, and rock-hard.

Harry Potter Playing with his Wand Under the Sheets in The Prisoner of Azkaban

What It Is: The third Harry Potter movie begins with Harry at home with the Dursleys doing something hidden under the sheets. When Mr. Dursley sticks his head into the room to check on him, Harry stops. Later, it's revealed what the newly 13-year-old Harry is up to: he's using his wand to cast a spell, the Lumos Maxima, which creates a white ball of light that sometimes shoots out of the end of the wand.

Um, yeah.

Penis Subtext: Rock-Hard. This scene is an addition of the screenwriter and director, not based on anything specific in the book, but penis subtext simply doesn't get any more blatant than this. Still, like all good penis subtext, there's a completely plausible alternative explanation, allowing legions of clueless blue hairs to miss it completely.

Indiana Jones and his Fear of "Snakes"

What It Is: Fearless adventurer Indiana Jones has a kryptonite-like weakness: a chronic fear of snakes (which is ironic, since he ends up encountering them over and over again).

Penis Subtext: Soft. Since there's no indication that Indiana is a closeted mo, or is torn or frustrated in any fundamental way, it's hard to see the snakes as representing anything other than a personal weakness. They could just as easily have been spiders or heights.

Obi-Wan Gives Luke Skywalker a Light-Saber in Star Wars: A New Hope

What It Is: Luke's journey toward inter-galactic superhero begins with his encounter with Obi-Wan when the old man first gives him some words of advice – and a light-saber. "Your father wanted you to have this when you were older," Obi-Wan says.

Penis Subtext: Semi. No, I'm not accusing Obi-Wan of being a letch. That said, the opening scenes to Star Wars are all about Luke choosing to leave childhood behind and set off on the journey to becoming a man. Obi-Wan is instrumental in that journey – even if it's a psychological journey at this point, not a sexual one. I mean, come on: the only action Luke gets in the whole trilogy is with his sister!

The Bat-Pole in Batman

What It Is: Yes, yes, waaaaaay too much has already been made of the supposed gay sub-text in the various incarnations of Batman – especially out director Joel Schumacher's 1997 movie disaster, Batman & Robin. When a meme is so ubiquitous that it's been parodied by SNL (which Batman has been with The Ambiguously Gay Duo) and then that parody has also gotten tired, it's definitely time to move on.

So why am I mentioning it after all that? Because I recently came across this hilarious clip [or photo?] from the 1960s television series (and 1966 theatrical movie) that shows that Bruce Wayne's batpole is considerably thicker than Dick's. And since the entire show was clearly intended as camp, I think there's a strong possibility this subtext was intentional.

Penis Subtext: Do you really have to ask?