Recast: 10 People We'd Rather See on "New Year's Eve"

This week Garry Marshall's B-list supernova of pre-packaged holiday cheer crashes into theatres, burning itself into our cultural retina like the image of a thousand newborn puppies being thrown directly into the sun.

New Year's Eve is here, and it wants to destroy us all.

The movie is about a few dozen New Yorkers scrambling to ensure that this New Year's is the Best. Night. Ever. And to bring the fabricated magic to life they've cobbled together a packed guest list of celebs that - to be perfectly honest - don't exactly make us want to raise a glass.

Unwilling to go down without a fight, we have recast ten of the notable roles with people with whom we would much rather watch the dropping of America's most celebrated undescended glitterball. See if you don't agree - and by all means, make your own suggestions in the comments! Considering that there are about 4,203 actors in the film, there are plenty of swaps to be made. (And I'm not talking about you, Yeardley Smith. You stay right where you are.)

Instead of ... SARAH JESSICA PARKER

I'D RATHER HAVE ...

Parker Posey

WHY? I know that since the late '90s SJP has been synonymous with glittery Manhattan escapades thanks to Sex and the City. But before she came along, the OTHER Parker was the undisputed queen of the indie scene, spending her nights carousing in way more interesting establishments than the places that Carrie and the girls would see fit to visit. I mean, who wouldn't want to party with Party Girl? Plus, maybe I'd get her to dish on Jezebel James...

Instead of ... JESSICA BIEL

I'D RATHER HAVE ...

"Little Edie" Beale

WHY? Okay, I may be one of the few people who likes Jessica Biel more than pretty much anyone in this cast, for one reason: She screamed the hell out of that Texas Chainsaw remake a few years back. Still, I think the evening would be infinitely more delightful spent in the presence of Gray Gardens muse Edie Beale.

Instead of ... HALLE BERRY

I'D RATHER HAVE ...

Franken Berry

WHY? Now, many people have yet to forgive Halle Berry for cashing in on her Monster's Ball Oscar with the disastrous Catwoman. But I don't think that's fair - I think Gothika, Swordfish, Perfect Stranger, and The Flintstones are equally heinous crimes of filmed entertainment. Plus, I'd probably just toss B*A*P*S quotes at her until she took a swing at me.

As for Franken Berry, he'd be perfect for a late-night snack.

Instead of ... CARY ELWES

I'D RATHER HAVE ...

Cary Elwes from 1984

WHY? For one, THAT MUSTACHE. For another, Wesley from The Princess Bride had a knack for dealing with Rodents of Unusual Size - which are more common near Times Square than most of us New Yorkers would care to admit. And let's not forget that there's always the chance that he'll relive his Another Country days and want to get frisky at midnight.

Instead of ... ZAC EFRON

I'D RATHER HAVE ...

Zach Quinto

WHY? Who's gonna be more fun: An out gay guy with a lead role in a massive sci-fi movie franchise, several lauded recent indie film credits and a number of solid guest appearances on buzzy shows ... or Charlie St. Cloud?

Instead of ... LEA MICHELE

I'D RATHER HAVE ...

Marcel the Shell with Shoes On

WHY? Alright, I don't actually have a problem with Michele, although she might play television's most tenacious teen sociopath a bit TOO convincingly. But Marcel the Shell is polite to a fault, can hang glide from a Dorito, and is 100% less likely to stage a third-act duet with Jon Bon Jovi.

Instead of ... HILARY SWANK

I'D RATHER HAVE ...

Jean Claude Van Damme and Seal

WHY? Because even though they were also paid to attend the birthday party of Chechen President Ramzan Kadyrov - who has been accused of multiple counts of serious human rights violations - they somehow got off easy in the press while Swank (who admitted it was a dumb thing to do) took the fall. Time for them to face the music, especially if that music is a Lea Michele/Jon Bon Jovi duet.

Instead of ... KATHERINE HEIGL

I'D RATHER HAVE ...

Katharine Hepburn (deceased)

WHY? Sure, there wouldn't be much conversation - but at least I wouldn't have to pretend to like her husband's music.

Instead of ... RYAN SEACREST

I'D RATHER HAVE ...

Dick Clark

WHY? One word: PILLS.

Instead of ... ASHTON KUTCHER

I'D RATHER HAVE ...

Charlie Sheen

WHY? SEE PREVIOUS

So this is just my wish-list, and I'm sure other folks have stars with whom they'd love to share the countdown. Share them in the comments!