Review: "New Year's Eve" An Old Acquaintance Best Forgot

Ashton Kutcher's character hates New Year's Eve, and now I know why. (w/ Lea Michele)

I would have to consult actual cinema experts to confirm, but I have sneaking suspicion that New Year's Eve might actually not even qualify as a movie. You tell me: If you take one shameless (and very expensive) ad for New York City tourism, toss in a few leftover plot threads from Lifetime Original Movies and two canned performances from Jon Bon Jovi (Really. Because one just wasn't enough.), scrape in the requisite Pink "Raise Your Glass" bachelorette party anthem, add glitter and liquefy, does it actually become a film?

Or, like so many well-intentioned but ill-fated holiday Jell-O molds, does it collapse into a puddle of unformed, sickly-sweet and garishly-hued garbage all over your new table runner?

Based on New Year's Eve, I'd say the latter.

Zac Efron and Michelle Pfeiffer

New Year's Eve haphazardly tells the stories of a group of New Yorkers as they go about their calculatedly so-very-different (but still non-threatening) lives on The Biggest Night of the Year.

There's the new honcho of the Times Square Alliance (an organization that most people don't even know exists - nor do they need to), whose life is thrown into a confetti-covered tizzy when the big ball gets stuck on the way up (Hilary Swank, with phasers set to Crushingly Earnest). There's the hipster comic book artist who HATES New Year's (Ashton Kutcher) who gets stuck in an elevator with a girl who is supposed to be singing backup for America's Biggest Rock Star (Jon Bon Jovi) and just can't miss her Big Break (Lea Michele). There is a couple about to give birth (Jessica Biel and Seth Meyers) who get locked into a dead-heat competition with another couple to win a cash prize for The First Baby Born After Midnight. There's a caterer (Katherine Heigl) trying to juggle Her First Big Party and her ex, who also happens to be America's Biggest Rock Star.

I could go on describing more of the thinly-drawn characters and their conveniently inconvenient situations - but honestly, if I just asked you to guess the rest you'd probably come up with at least half of them on your own. (There are about 30 more, BTW. Have fun.)

Seth Meyers and Jessica Biel

New Year's Eve is one of my absolute least favorite kinds of movies. I don't mean romantic comedies - I don't mind those at all when they're done well. And not sprawling ensemble pieces (which can be very rewarding if the ensemble serves a purpose greater than guaranteed cross-demo box office), or holiday movies (I love 'em) or movies set in New York City, where I live and which I love.

No, I'm talking about those movies that are so determined and yet so ill-equipped to make a case for humanity that they actually are able to make you lose your faith in it entirely.

New Year's Eve, I hate you. But I'm not beyond your pre-packaged holiday charms. So in your honor, I am going to count down the top ten reasons that I wish you would go away.

10. Your cast of thousands is not nearly as impressive as you would like us to think it is. Surprise cameos by Matthew Broderick (who was probably on set anyway because his wife is in the movie) and Jim Belushi (as a pervy building super) are not the stuff of holiday classics.