Aaron you are NOT alone. There are many, many men who can say that coming out to family can be one the most difficult and life changing events. Everybody's different, but there are weird similarities. Keep in mind that you are your own man but sage wisdom reminds us to retreat in the face of adversity. Protect yourself from harm and be kind to yourself. Gather together your strengths, your friends, your mentors. Reach out to a community centers and talk to teachers. Talk to the people you trust. 

You are brave and your brothers are proud of you.

Here's a link to some resources that may provide insight and guidance. 

 http://gaylife.about.com/od/informationresources/a/newyorkcc.htm 

 All the best. 

Hi Aaron!  You are not alone at all.  I came out almost 20 yaers ago, and when I or somone else used to bring it up, the first thing my Mother used to say was she spent the next year sitting in a chair crying.  My parents offered me money to break up with the guy I was seeing at the time, and generally were not very supportive.  I was rough.  Jump ahead 17 years to yesterday.  Bruce, my boyfriend of 17 years, and I hosted our family Thanksgiving.  Mom and Dad were there and Bruce got a big kiss from Mom and hug from Dad.  My Mom handed me an Anniversary card for Bruce and I since our anniversary was Friday 11-23 (17 Years).  About 5 years ago my parents told Bruce to call them Mom and Dad,  Times do change.  Hang in there, Aaron.  The time you had yesterday would be tough for anyone, but hopefully as time goes by, they will become fewer and farther between. Hopefully, they will change, as my familiy did, or you will probably need develop different coping strategies for it so it won't ruin family events (this I think is much easier said than done unfortunately).   

Steve

"I submit to you that if a man has not discovered something he will die for, he isn't fit to live".  Dr Martin Luther King, Jr, Detroit Michigan, 23 June 1963

Kiddo, you don't get to choose your family.  Which means that you can LOSE THEM!

Don't wait as long as I did to simply walk away from these people who do not care about you.  I kept going back time and again seeking that inclusion and approval that was never going to happen.

I was in my thirties and had ruined my twenties by trying over and over to be approved of and included.  I lost ten years of my adult life to these people.

It finally dawned on me:  If "family" was all that freaking important, then why didn't my "family" think I was important enough to be supported and loved as well.

The answer is obvious:  Since we don't get to choose the family we're born into, if we don't like them and they don't like us, it's time to cut them loose and make our own family...a family of choice which does supply that two-way street of approval and support.

My life, even having to play catch-up and damage control on the ten years I lost/wasted, became a wonderful happy and amazing time surrounded by people I CHOSE and who CHOSE ME as FAMILY. 

Stop trying to please these people.  Stop trying to include yourself with these people.  Stop worrying about what they think and who they are, because, obviously, they don't worry nor care what you think and who you are.

WALK AWAY! 

Not in pain.  Not in anger.  Not in disappointment.  But with a smile on your face and a song in your heart because there are people out there who will recognize the wonderful person you are and will join with you in the amazing adventure that life can be.

Thank you for your kind words and advice Sarrellec. I would LOVE NOTHING MORE THAN TO LEAVE MY FAMILY BEHIND! Unfortunately I'm not in a position to do so at the moment. Like you I to have lost years of my life due to people not accepting my homosexuality. When I was in the 7th grade I lost all of my male friends who went through puberty over the summer before I did just because they sensed that I was gay before I even went through puberty and developed homosexual feelings. Then once I became a teenager, and went through puberty approximately a year later I hid those feelings from my family & schoolpeers. I LOST OUT ON MY TEEN YEARS DUE TO IT! Growing up as a teenager, and going through those rough, awkward years was tough enough as it is, but adding onto it an additional layer of homosexuality to my teenage worries made it just as bad. Not only was I an outcast, but I lost out on going through the normal social rites of passage. To this day I'm a 20-year old gay loser who's never: had his first kiss, had a boyfriend, gone out on dates, gone to the prom, or just hung out with a social clique of friends in general. Even BEFORE I discovered that I was gay when I became a teenager my mother was VERY OVERPROTECTIVE of me & my younger brother. She ALWAYS SHELTERED US, and we were never allowed to hang out with our childhood friends or attend their to social events; we were only allowed to attend family social events. This still goes on today and my family constantly smothering me is another reason in addition to my homosexuality as to why I want to leave them. I want to see the world outside of my parents house, and FINALLY after all my years of oppressed homosexuality be around people like myself, have friends, a first kiss, dates, and a boyfriend. Ever since I turned 20 years old just a few days ago on November 20th I've made it my life's mission to dedicate myself to finally establishing my independence, and giving myself the life that I was denied during my teen years.

I DID come out to my mother after highschool when I was 17 years old, but like I mentioned in my original post she likes to pretend it never happened. Unfortunately for me I was born into one of (if not THE MOST) homophobic races of them all: the black race. Being gay is not only seen in a more stereotypical light within the African-American community, but it's also like being a minority WITHIN a minority group. I think that a HUGE PART of the stigma of being gay within the African-American race/community is not only due to African-Americans being very religious, but it also has to do with the stereotypes about straight African-American men being the most manliest (lol, I know that's not an actual word but just go with it), roughest, toughest, and agressive out of all men from all different races (i.e.: Black men having the largest cocks, being aggressive, angry, loud, tough, etc.). As I mentioned before my mother is so primitive & old-fashioned in her set, close-minded, ways that she thinks that by toughening me up, making me less wimpy, sensitive, & emotional, and going through more manly experiences will turn me into a "straight" man. What she DOESN'T realize (something that I think the ENTIRE Black community doesn't realize) is that we homosexuals come in all different shapes & sizes, including MANLY MEN who could pass for straight in addition to the more common feminine stereotypical ones.

I'm just tired of being around people who don't truly support, understand, or empathize with me in any way, shape, or form. I'm tired of having to express myself in the one place on Earth where I feel safe in (my sanctuary a.k.a. my room), and then turning into a paranoid freak every time a family member stumbles into my room without knocking. I'm tired of being seen as a joke amongst my family members & not gaining the respect that I truly deserve at this age & point in my life. And most important of all I'm tired of feeling like I'm TRAPPED all of the time (whether it's trapped in my hometown surrounded in a junior college by the same peers I was outcast against during my rough, awkward highschool days, trapped in an immediate family who will be polite in front of me and then laugh their asses of about my sexuality when my back is turned, trapped in a house with a controlling, overbearing mother who still wants to CONTROL ME, TAME ME, & COMFORM ME TO HER WAYS instead of accepting & allowing me to be who I am, trapped in uncomfortable, awkward, family events that frankly I don't want to (and feel that I'm to old to) go to, trapped in a room while I dream about having the life that most "normal" straight teens have during their teenage years, & trapped in my parents house because I don't have a drivers liscense or a car).

.....with you Aaron. But don't think that your race is the most homophobic culture. Imagine being the gay child of an evangelist or Mormon community. (or Iranian!) And, there are many people in all of these communities including the Black community that are on your side. Homophobia as well as enlightened folk are everywhere. Your particular situation seems horrible and beyond help to you but you are very young and you have many paths to follow in your life. If your parents are paying for your junior college, then you really can't do a whole lot about your situation, if you stay. But you are an adult and can lead your own life now. Many kids work their way through college. It's hard but possible. I don't know how student loans work in the States, but that is usually an option. You need to be paying your own bills, and making your own way. You don't have to completely abandon your family and never look back. What you can do, is look forward with your head up and make your own life. Live strong and authentically according to your own code. When you become that mature person with a good life, full of friends that accept and adore you, and a partner that loves and respects you, what your family is thinking about you will be much less important.

As they say, living well is the best revenge. And it also may change your family's mind about the kind of person you are. It could start the tide flowing in the opposite direction and show them what they thought they knew about GLBT people is wrong. Show them how amazing you are, and be kind to yourself.

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

Thank you for sympathizing with me Janet, for making me see (and realize) a different POV of similar gay people who also feel like they're a minority within a minority (or predominately homophobic) group, and giving me a shimmer of hope for my Adult life despite the situation that I'm in. It's tough but I know in the end that my struggle will be worth it. I'm already paying for my driving lessons & saving up for a car, so that's a start.

I also want to thank everyone else who I haven't already thanked for responding to my thread, and making me feel that I'm not alone :).

My parents were awesome about me being gay and am almost embarrased when I hear stories like yours. However the rest of my extended family have been anything but supportive. And that hurt. But I now have fun with it. When we play touch football or poker with the family, I usually beat the pants off of them. Then I say, hmmmm...I wonder if your friends know you got beat by a gay guy! :)

We are all here for you, Aaron. I'm 19 and would welcome the opportunity to be someone you could email if you needed some encouragement. I'll message you with my email addy.

Justin

relate to your experiences, especially in high school.  I was a very shy and insecure teen to begin with and being gay made things that much worse.  I was very self-conscious.  What changed?  I got out away from my hometown established a career and started participating in the gay community in Toronto where I could relate to other people who had gone through similar (or worse situations). 

Like Justin my nuclear family was supportive, but I have drifted away from most of my straight friends over the years.  BTW Justin is a good person to talk to, he has his head screwed on straight (not something I can say about all gay 19 year old males).

Cheers

JBE

 I can completely empythize with your situation.I agree with Sarrellec that when you can you should cut those people loose.You don't need the stress.Think about how good it's going to feel when you've established your independance, and your family trys to tell you what to do, and you can finally tell them to fuck off because you're doing things your way now and if they don't like it.....too bad, and hold on to that.One day, hopefully as soon as possible, you'll be able to stand up them because you can support yourself.

I also agree with some of what Janet said.You're an adult now.It's really fucked up that you're mother is still making you do things that you don't want to do, or telling you what you can and can't do at 20-years-old.Like I said, at some point, you're going to have to put her in check because she sounds like she's on some kind of power/authority trip.That's not being overprotective.that's someone trying to control you, tell you who to be, and how to live.Someone like that needs someone to get in their face, and let them know that they just can't do that.

I think the real root of this problem now is essentially money.Money will set you free, Aaron.If only there were some way you could get a good paying job, or enough seed money to leave it all behind......I really hope you get some kind of lucky break because you need, man.