The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency (Episode 3.3): "You Smell Like A Bloody Mary"

Kehoe, Peyton, & Brian @ Go Softwear Photo Session

This week's The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency outing offers something for everyone on your holiday shopping list, even if you have 12 unusually picky gay brothers. We’re talking 95% meat with only 5% filler.

The show gets the filler out of the way immediately in the first segment by addressing last week’s cliffhanger (not for me!). For those keeping score, Janice took off her size 4 skirt and dared a model who'd gained a lot of weight to try and fit into it. While Janice told her that she looked like something you’d eat between buns at Dodger Stadium, the model squeezes into it and wins; notwithstanding she gets put on “Fat Probation.” Like Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest, Janice always wins. Then we have an odd scene showing Crystal, Janice’s most successful female model, meeting with Chris, an ex who is also a model at the agency. We learn that she spent the night in her car and apparently has no place to stay. He asks why, no clear answer is given, male model is really happy as he’s still crushing on this girl and that’s it. While this is the filler section, Janice will tell later tell us that Chris “shakes a big stick.” Thanks for sharing Janice. I hope that Crystal’s homelessness thread is not dropped like the scarred potential self-cutter from the premiere episode.

Next we are shown a bunch of models sitting around to show us that models are people too. The topic is masturbation. There is a great exchange between Brian Kehoe, an apparently straight male model, and Rodrigo De Carli, a very sexy new (and out) model who says he is from Brazil and has a boyfriend in Miami. He sounds quite Parisian to me, but then who can explain Madonna these days?

Kehoe: “Do you think J.P. is hot?” (I am thinking everyone should drink everytime J.P. is mentioned, shown, are alluded to in any capacity)

Rodrigo: “Ooze’s J.P.? “ (Sacrebleu! Say it isn’t so)

Kehoe: “He’s gay”

Rodrigo: “Ooooh so of courrrrrrsssse I mist know eem”

Kehoe: “You’ll cheat on your boyfriend with him.”

Rodrigo: “I don’t sheeet.”

Out Model Rodrigo di Carli

Rodrigo is pretty hilarious. It's good to have another out model who’s funny to boot, however, as was the case last time with Michael, a married father of three, Rodrigo is also described as "single" on the show’s website. It may not explain the accent, but if Rodrigo looks familiar you may be a fan of Chi Chi la Rue's work, as he was a Rascal Exclusive under the name “Claudio Martin.” All in the name of journalistic integrity, I had to do much research and I can confirm that besides being funny, he’s quite an impressive sight in both print and video.

La Rue tells GAYVN.com that that De Carli had a modeling career before entering porn. “We released him from his contract because he wanted to pursue his modeling career.” I don’t think that working for la Rue and Dickinson will be that different, as they have a lot in common and I am not just referring to their obvious support of the cosmetics industry. Keep spending girls as the Fed does not want to lower interest rates again! I am with la Rue in his assessment that if Dickinson is smart she’ll use any controversy for ratings. Janice is smart and probably hired cute Rodrigo in part because of the full spectrum of his work. As if Gabe and/or Duke would not have recognized him. I hope that Rodrigo fully owns his past.

The next segment is a Go Softwear casting, which has come to La Dickinson searching for a few good men for their new swimwear, underwear, and active wear line. We are shown a montage of 13 male models, including Dominic, who we know can’t accept any work as he’s signed an exclusive with 2(xist). Dominic, Dominic, Dominic! Stunning man. 

We also see out and proud couple Paul Anderson and Shawn McCarron, who are nowhere up to par with my favorites. They have provided a few show spoilers (which I would never reveal unless I warned you in advance) and have told the gay madia that they are not AT ALL fans of our J.P. and are also not too keen on Rodrigo. Can't the gays just get along? I am feeling protective of Rodrigo. 

Other stand-outs for me include a cute Latin named Ricardo Silveira and an adorable Brian Bernie, who are both straight. Bernie works as a manager at what he describes on the show’s website as a “very successful gentleman’s club (strip club)” which treats him well “mentally, physically and financially.” Readers I don’t make this stuff up.

Ricardo Silveira

In my relentless search to go beyond the call of duty, I found out that Brian was the second contestant voted off in Bravo’s 2004 attempt to mine the structure of America’s Next Top Model, with its Manhunt: The Search For America’s Most Gorgeous Male Model. John Stallings, another of Janice’s openly gay models, was the 5th contestant booted on said show. Obviously they were clueless as John is one of Janice’s most bankable models. Go gays, go! He must not have been out at the time America’s Most Gorgeous Male Model aired, as only the show’s runner-up was indentified as gay on that show. Any gay man who sees John's profile on that show's website can tell that he was not trying to hide anything.

 

Out Model John Stallings

The gentlemen from Go Softwear know exactly what they are looking for. They quickly pick their guys, and are scurried away as Janice has a meeting with yet another client looking for Latin women. This time we are introduced to the beyond-nerdy publisher of Open Your Eyes or “Oye” magazine, the leading Latin “male magazine,” founded in 1999. Basically Maxim for the straight Latino man. The female model parade begins and they pick 3 girls: Nadia, CC., and “Toi.” Toi? Any guy of drinking age who refers to himself as a “boi” is tragic, but “Toi,” as a chosen nickname may be worse. The girl does look like a toy Pomeranian, but CC is a goddess. I see a Latina Pamela Anderson in this sexy model of Venzuelan/Italian descent, and not just because I am of said descent. Nadia is actually Russian. Janice reminds the models to pretend that they are partly Hispanic as she’s an “image maker” and is there to “fool clients.” Bring on the hate mail, but I love Janice. She is certainly not presenting herself as anything other than an opportunistic businesswoman. One who, unfortunately, has something odd going on with one of her eyes since her last eye job. It gives out without warning.

The photo session for OYE goes smoothly with CC stealing the spotlight. Natalia needs to loosen up, and Toi finishes her day with praise from the a sexy Latino photographer, who is happy to have been the first to photograph her as a professional model. Janice, with her gays Duke and Gabe in tow, stops by and throws a hissy when an unfortunately mannish girl is going to be included with her girls. Some compromise is reached and Janice is happy about how the session is going. My fey Gabe only gets one line and tells Janice that he agrees considering that this is their first Maxim shoot. He gives her a look that says "this is so Peter Hamm."

Essential Janice quotes during the session:

She yells to CC (in front of the entire crew) the following: "Will you please hide that white mammoth breast of yours?” and follows it with “We’re going to have to take you to the doctor and have them (her mammoth breasts) reduced.” This viewer and the OYE people think CC is purrrrrfect.

The show saves its two best segments for last. First we have the Go Softwear photo session, to which Kehoe (he of the Rodrigo inquisition) arrives wasted. He looks great to the human eye, but the photographer sees dark circles in the proofs and asks him if he's been partying and tells him that he smells like a Bloody Mary. Kind of odd as Kehoe cops to drinking 2 bottles of wine by himself the night before. Apparently even the prettiest of boys drink alone in L.A. Janice does her usual drive-by, and you know there’s going to be serious trouble ahead. She finds some of her models swimming and laying by the pool and is told by the photographer that Kehoe reeks of vodka. Janice wants to start firing people left and right, but it seems that all is fine in the Bel Air pad where the photo shot is taking place. No signs of any gay porn being filmed. A first in said enclave.

Janice asks where Kehoe is, goes right to him, and gives him a hard slap in the face that is heard around the world. Then she rhetorically asks what is wrong with him coming to a photo session drunk, and he tells her that he’s not had a drink in over 12 hours. Not the right answer my little straight pony. That warrants 3 more quick slaps and Kehoe’s cheeks are the color of Macaulay Culkin’s lips. She yells at him that she’s gonna shove her fist up his …. (she goes there) but unfortunately he’d like it… Such a lady…

Brian and Janice

This is the second time that Kehoe pulls this, but seems amused by the redness of his cheeks. He tells Chris “Shakes a big stick” Jones of the incident and he offers to hold her down while Kehoe slaps her back. Pretty funny stuff, unfortunately Chris happens to use a squirt gun (don’t ask) on Kehoe’s one of a kind or something bathing suit. At this stage Janice has about had it and asks him if he’s peed himself. Close up of the wet material and all the men in the room looking at Kehoe's crotch. She screams that he’s replaced and so is Chris and tells them that they are not that good anyway. This is so much hot air as the client is overjoyed with both models' appearance in subsequent shots. Lots of beefcake poses, but Janice saves the best for last.

In her attempt to always “seek creative new ideas to shed models’ inhibitions," (her words) she decides that she’ll have her models pose nude for a group of art students, who also happen to be in their 3rd stage of life. The senior citizens are really cute and there is not even a twinge of attempt to make fun of them as they are the ones getting all the punch lines.

First in is Brian, my straight gentleman club manager crush of the week. He rips off his robe. He comes off as being very comfortable, and he looks amazing, or “dangle-free” as per Janice. Brian insists that his testicles dangle a lot and wants the students to give his testicles credit. A sweet old lady says that Brain is her favorite as she loves the dark hair…….. (5 second pause for effect by the lady), on his head……. Is Bruce Vilanch giving Janice free material?

Kehoe and Danny follow Brian in posing naked, and we get at least a dozen brazen butt close ups with the most genius penis blurring I’ve ever seen as it literally only covers exactly the minimum that needs to be covered so you don’t even get the illusion of there being any blurring. Very sexy in a non la Ruesque manner.

The cliffhanger involves some ridiculous girl that Janice “discovered” working as a waitress at an eating establishment who refuses to unveil for others. Will she? Do I care? But with 5 openly gay models and more male eye candy per capita than any show, this show needs no cliffhangers, as Janice has delivered her presents with days to spare.

Happy Photoshopped Holidays!!!!!