"Glee" Episode 201 Recap: "Show Us on the Doll Where the Bad Bieste Touched You"

After a summer full of cosmetic and reproductive surgery, McKinley High's New Directions is back for a new school year.

But first, Glee's own scandal blogger, Jacob Ben Israel (Josh Sussman), starts the new season out with one simple question asked on behalf of the multi-media empire that is his blog: "What did you do over your big gay summer?"

The first person he asks is the object of his extremely creepy affections, Rachel. And I couldn't really listen to her answer because I was so horrified by the big pillowy explosion of lips through which she was speaking. Not even her long, thick false eyelashes and broad swipes of blush could distract me from them. Especially the upper lip. It looked like a shapeless slug under her nose. Who did this to you, Lea?

Anyway, there was nothing gay about Rachel's summer, except, of course, her two gay dads. That's because she spent it dating Finn, who's hanging on her arm while she's interviewed.

Jacob then grills Mike Chang and Tina about their rumored new relationship. They deny it, pointing out it's racist to imply they're together just because they're both Asian. Then they stalk off, holding hands. NO! What happened to Artie? He and Tina are the only opposite sex couple I like in the whole world, except for Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer and Clarice.

Next on Jacob's journalistic hit list is Mr. Schuester, who was stunned to be asked why the Glee Club's song selections sound like they come from a drag queen's iPod, since they are, he says, "Twenty-five percent show tunes, 25 percent hip hop, and 25 percent classic rock." (Mr. Schue does not teach math, obviously.)

That adds up to "One hundred percent gay," Jacob tells him.  Then he speaks on behalf of an entire nation of Gleeks when he says there's a forum on his blog that's begging Mr. Schue to stop rapping.

To which I say, amen. Even if I don't like seeing Mr. Schue look like a kicked kitten as he stammers, "You mean the kids don't like it when I rap?" The kids and some of the adults, Mr. Schue. I beseech you to stop.

Other summer news: Puck got a vasectomy, Santana got a boob job (although they're still smaller than Rachel's lips), and Kurt gets the first slushy-in-the-face of the season. Oh, Glee, how did I get along without you?

For those, like me, in severe Sue Sylvester withdrawal, we get our fix almost immediately. Mr. Schuester is looking sadly at the school club sign-up sheets, all jammed with scrawled names except New Directions', which has exactly none.

Not so the Cheerios; turns out Sue's been served with a citation for child endangerment because of all the prospective cheerleaders who spent half the summer in line to sign up, forced into Lord of the Flies-like acts of desperation to survive.

New Directions has a big "no tryouts" notice at the top of its sign-up sheet, and that, she says, is the problem; no one wants to be a member of a club just anyone can join.

But gosh golly, Mr. Schue is not dissuaded from his open-arms policy. After all, Nationals are in New York City this year! That's gonna turn the tide for the Glee Club! Because the club that couldn't even place at the Regionals is definitely going to the Nationals. But this is television and we now know the plot of the season, so that's that.

However, just when we're all settling in for another season of Sue trying to cut Glee's throat and Mr. Schue being all scrappy and righteous, we discover that the two have a new and common enemy: McKinley High's football coach, Shannon Bieste.