Am I A Bad Gay For Not Giving A Sh*t About The Royal Wedding?

Why aren't I loving this?

The Royal Wedding: The Next Generation should be right up my alley. I was born for gaudy excess, and I've participated in most of the major over-the-top pop culture "events" in my lifetime. For instance:

In 1986, I helped my teachers coordinate the local chain in Hands Across America. I signed up all three members of the school's Arcadia fan club ( the snoots from the Power Station club refused to participate), but when the big day came and we kept expecting throngs to show up ... well, let's just say I ended up holding hands across America with Resusci Annie from health class, and the lunch lady with half a thumb.

In 1997 I solemnly watched the glitz and tears that accompanied the funeral of Princess Diana (if it's possible to be solemn while eating French Onion Sun Chips). I was most concerned about Elton John, who had re-written his Marilyn Monroe tribute Candle in the Wind for Diana. My concern was that Elton would feel obligated to remake it every time a famous blond died, and it would become the equivalent of a Musical Mad Lib:

"Goodbye (made up nickname), may you always live here in our (body organ). You had the (noun expressing fortitude) to hold yourself, while those around you (action verb). And it seems to me you lived your life like a [DO NOT CHANGE] Candle in the Wind [/DO NOT CHANGE], never knowing who to cling to, when the (weather front) set in.

And in 1998, like everyone else in America, I sat down to watch the eagerly anticipated final episode of Seinfeld. Then I remembered, "I hate this show," and changed the channel.

So as you can see, this RW:TNG thing should have me excited beyond all measure. But it just ... doesn't. After careful consideration, I think I've discovered the reasons why.

The Couple

Dullsville. Population - Two

Seriously, that couple on those commercials for the blue credit card who win points and travel to scenic sex dungeons around the world have more personality than Kate and Will.

In fact, every time I see them I can't help picture them starring in a sitcom:

"This fall NBC is proud to present the relationship comedy Amusing Pairings, which follows the hilarious ups and downs of three NYC couples as they cope with life's struggles. Stef and Jake are two baristas trying to make it through the day with only their Venti-sized love to get them through. Kelly and Seth are stunt actors in Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark (may need to be replaced by 2nd episode). And Will and Kate are two transplanted Brits. They'll try to get their bearings in a new country while also dealing with hilarious visits by Wil's eccentric dad, who's prone to working feminine hygiene products into casual conversation. Blimey!

Truth be told, Kate seems like she could be fun. It's really her groom who leaves me cold ...

The Groom

It's not that I dislike William, and I find him generally attractive (especially bearded). I've just always found Prince Harry much more appealing. The Royal Ginger has always been more crushworthy, and has a bigger personality. Okay, there was that unfortunate Nazi uniform incident, but it was a costume party, and he could just as easily have come as Austin Powers.

And when it comes to looks, William definitely favors his father, while Harry ... well, Harry doesn't resemble his father at all. His father, Prince Charles.

And then there are the other reasons why this entire event has annoyed the hell out of me. The preemptions, the tacky tie-ins, the preemptions (I know I already said that, but BBC America needs to give me back my weekday Doctor Who ).

But the main reason why this pop culture event was a dud for me is because it kept American news outlets from reporting on real stories. Such as the man who dressed as a cow and stole 26 gallons of milk, and the town that placed a limit on when roosters and hens could hook up.

Anyway, it's over now, and we can go back to our mundane lives. And I feel proud of myself for not giving in to the hype. Although it took every ounce of strength in my body not to check out the certain-to-be train wreck pairing of Rupert Everett and Ivana Trump on TLC.

That had Wayland & Madam written all over it.

So what about you? Did you watch all the Royal Wedding, just catch a few minutes, or stay away?