Why Can’t You Just Butch Up? Gay Men, Effeminacy, and Our War with Ourselves

This was a very well written article.  

 If By Gay You Mean Totally Freaking Awesome, Then Yeah, I Guess It's Pretty Gay

--Des Ark

This article was a great read.  I have to agree with you on the whole, "Why bother?" theme in there.  Its really frustrating to see other gay men act in such ways, but its what we have to deal with beyond our other struggles.  I would, however, have liked to see something said about television's role. 

A lot of times I see articles on here that in one way or another denounces a flamboyant gay character as a stereotype.  I'm not sure what I'm trying to get at, but there has to be some sort of acceptance of these characters as well. As long as they aren't played for laughs, they should be accepted just like an 'original' character such as Officer Cooper from Southland. Just my opinion, but either way a good article!

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Chuckles!

I totally agree that there is this internalized hatred of the effiminate male in gay culture.  Just like there is internalized segregation.  It is one more thing the glbt community needs to work through.  I mean, really, as an organized community we are still pretty young, and we have kinks to work through. 

When I was younger, especially right around the time I came out of the closet I used to be very anti-femmi, especially when it came to me personally.  I would watch everything I did.  I'm not extremely feminine, but I have my moments, my little quirks, and when I was younger I was terrified of them. I grew up in a Catholic household, and had a Christian education. Now, as I grow older, as I get to know more people, I have grown to really love men who are just themselves.  Men who don't care if people look at them funny because they have an extreme sense of style, a swish in their step, a limpness to their wrist or a lisp to their voice.  These guys have the strength and pride to not cover up who they are.  I mean, seriously, you have to show mucho respect to someone who says society be damned, I am who am.  That is damn sexy, and worthy of respect. 

The gay community is constantly saying be who you are, be true to yourself.  Why the hell would we then villifiy someone for doing exactly that?  I mean, it is one thing to be called a sissy by the jocks in high school, it's another to be insulted and ridiculed by the very people who should be welcoming you with open arms. 

Effiminate men don't make gay men look bad, they just make us stand out.  They put the spotlight on us, and it makes us squirm, because we've spent so much time trying to hide, to not stand out, to vanish into the crowd.  The word pride is thrown around so much, and yet we as gay men want to just blend in.  We may be out to our family and friends, but we do so much to not make waves. 

If you think about it, the traits that make a man a "man" are pride, strength, determination and a sense of self respect.  How manly is someone who tries to hide parts of themselves? 

I'm not saying start acting effiminate.  Cuz if you're not, then you're not.  If you are then you are.  I'm just saying that as a community that uses the word pride so much, that attaches that idea that we are proud to be who we are, and we are proud to love who we love, then we need to learn to be proud to be exactly who we are at all times, and we need to support those around us who are trying to do just that, show that they aren't ashamed to be themselves in every situation.

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this Article is SPOT ON (and another reason why Adam Lambert is Awesome)

How can we demand that society not discriminate against us when the Majority of gay men Descriminate against each other.

we have a Minority within a Minority and that is just Goddman wrong. We Ask for tolerence but we dont exacly practice what we Preach, now do we? (aplogies for those who do)

and to be honest we ALL (every gay/bi guy) have a big effeminate quality that is -> We Love Men.... and have Sex with Men. These are a 100% biological female trait that we all have.

so no1 should give the "Be a str8 actin gay guy like me" cause in the end we all like to kiss Men.

afhickman

A lot of straight men use effiminacy as a form of rebellion.  I know it's hard to believe today, but "longer hair and other flambouyant affections of appearance" were once considered effiminate.  Now the guy most likely to have long hair (where I come from, anyway) is on a construction crew.  Today "real" men wear jewelry and shave their chests and pubic hair.  Adam Lambert may qualify as "flambuoyant," but does that necessarily read gay?  It's been thirty year since the days when straight boys donned fish nets and merry widows and attended midnight showings of Rocky Horror, standing cheek to jowl with their gay compatriots.  Even Adam hasn't gone that far.  He looks like a prototypical goth to me (at least, based on a rave I once went to), with his dark eye liner and "inky cloak."  (He reminded me of Damian Echols the first time I saw him.)   The point is effiminacy remains a form of self-expression for young men, even when straight.  And it always gets a rise out of the suits (or whoever the attended audience may be) because it leads them to question their own sexuality.  Let's face it, lots of straight men are into cross-dressing and being dominated by their wives.  Are they effiminate, broad-minded, crazy--or are they just expressing a part of themselves of which society doesn't approve?  I used to tell people who accused me of being effiminate (when I was a hippy and not yet "out" as gay) that I was a man, and, therefore, everything I did was by definition masculine.  You can't catch me; I'm the gingerbread man!  But the truth was, I was experimenting with my sexuality, and tacitly admitting that I had a feminine side.  I'm just glad today that I never put a label on it.  I may be gay, but I'm so much more!  Young people today who are experimenting with their sexuality have a lot to discover about themselves too.  Let's not muddy the waters with labels.  They tend to come off in the wash anyway.  

"The mountain has wings."

This is a lovely article. & a very true one. I find that a lot of men are more afraid of effeminate men than gay men, the thing is that they are often found to be the same thing. I have heard a few homophobic remarks, & they had to do with talking like Essences [Dane Cook joke] & the way they walk. I personally have been teased for "walking like a girl" & always liking the pink or female characters in every cartoon or movie.

But i personally find that some complaints about some efffeminate men are founded. One i have is  about the ones that,i have seen, tend to be loud & self obsessed. I personally find such people vexing & avoid being near them because i do not knowing what some guy is doing tonight with his "luver" tonight when we are sitting on opposite ends of the bus. Such complaints i have seen with a few other people; they dislike their overly loud "look at me because i so fabulous that you must look at me because i do not have the self confidence to do so my self" attitude. So, i think because of these things, which really have nothing to do with being effeminate, it is just being annoying, that some people dislike effeminate people. I highly doubt everyone on the bus would be given death stares at such people if they would just turn the volume down 1O plus decibels.

 & i mean not to imply that it is the way they talk, pronounce their S's, how they walk, wearing pants taht sofficate [sp?] their gentials, etc. is they reason i do not want them on my Top 8, but rahter they loud "look at me" attitude, which i hate in all people, regardless of how fabulously inclined they are.

 <3

Did the whole "dressing up" phase, It was the 80's, everyone did. And most grew out of it a few months/years later.

And most kids are still doing just that today....dressing up and pushing boundrys whether its percived or true social ones or ones in there in minds.

Its more to do with trying to be original and not like your parents than sexuality as far as I can see.

Though when it comes to whether or not some men are.... to use a British phrase "Nancy boys" well yes the community does have issues... probably linked to the fact that for decades the only gay representation in the media that we had was the effeminate guy or the drag act, So eventually this created a backlash.

Now we laud programmes for showing us "straight acting"  "real" men in roles and mock any other, Some in self hate, some in embarrasment, some just out of ignorance

I understand the lauding totally, Its nice to see people you idenitfy with on tv and frankly it was a long time coming.

But this is now also creating its own backlash, Some of it from those whom think that "straight acting" is just that, And others who feel now marginalized.

Is there no happy medium?

Of course there is, And time will tell... when all versions of us can co exist without people crying foul.

Well I like to live in hope!

I understand the argument that many of you'll are making. Being a indian guy and gay as well it can be sometimes tricky to decide if one should be oneself or follow the stereotype of a man. But being masculine is just a description that we have concocted to distinguish between the sexes. I believe that if your situation requires you to be masculine you should be masculine regardless of how odd it makes you feel. A parallel example would be if you are a talkative person and thats how you are most comfortable, you would still need to learn to control your tongue when the situation requires it. Part of what being is a responsible human being is self control and consideration, realizing that you are not a community of one but many.

yes the straight guy next to you may be homophobic and may hate that you swish swash around but your rubbing that in his face wont help matters much. I believe most straight or gay men want buds that will hang out with them and do things that they do and build a comaraderie. In my experience gradually easing your true nature to your friends and coworkers seems to work better than thrusting it in their face. I would not be arrogant enough to suggest that others have similar experiences but i have found acceptance in my community in that way.

Imho at some point in our life we will need to be manly and protect our family and partner from those who might want to ruin it whether directly or indirectly. Taking charge is biologically what the male brain is programmed to do.

Thank you, Brent, for a great read.

These are my "two cents" after-thoughts: I think the phenomena is two parted (an action-reaction pair): man not adjusting to an expected masculine standard by behaving specially femenine, and social rejection as reaction to this alternate behaviour.

I've been reading lots of Richard Dawkins' writings, it's great stuff for the mind. Taking that as inspiration, this is my attempt to an evolutive (genetic) explanation to this subject. After all, humans are still animals although with a concience (some of them, at least).

First (action),

- There are genes for "mate with males", and "female behaviour" (whatever signals that have evolved on females to attracks males). Both genes appear in women, which provide half their genes to his child. So, it follows that these two genes might come active together in some males from their mothers. They might even come from their fathers, although theirs may not be active.

This is deep rooted in DNA, and it can't be changed. It's part of what gives an specific identity. This should be accepted as-is. Cultural pressure may force an identity, but this would lead to unhappiness to the individual as his real identity would not be fully expressed.

Moving onto the next part (reaction):

- Rejection from straight males may come from aggressiveness and bad reaction on deception ("false advertising" : It signals like female, but it is not). Even if males are just looking for pleasure, sex is a strong and deep rooted mechanism for promoting reproduction. The grand genetic program is about surviving and making copies, and genes are damn good at this, and ruthless too. (over 1 billion years here and still going on).

The previous point has few possibilities of going fully away, as it's also rooted on genes (aggresiveness). Cultural pressure (through education) may be the only help to moderate the bad reaction.

- Gay males rejecting male in femme behaviour may come from competition for males who would mate with males. Are male in femme behaviour more successful in getting mates than non-femme gay counterparts? Also, they're not compatible sex mates as the femme signals have no effect on gay males. This is no different to the reaction between straight guy and a gay guy.
- There are better chances of survival for gay males (not femme behaved) by mimicking the straight male behaviour. As the rejection usually goes with violence and life threatening situations. Again, damn genes are trying to keeping us alive for their own purposes.

Additionally, there are sociocultural components

- The backlash on male in femme behaviour may be product from a long history of misoginy, as women have been seen and treated as second class humans for a long time in societies around the world, so femme behaviour might be seen as lessening and demeaning in men.

- In western societies, jew and christian religions have traditionally reinforced the previous point with a very specific male/female identity definition with no exception and heavy punishment on deviation from the rule.


I apologize if the tone of this comment was too "cold science", but that way of thinking has permeated deeply on my mind. It offers me rational explanation.

Do you agree? Don't agree?

Let's debate! We might learn something.

A great article - I'd love to read more in the same vein on AfterElton.com! (Just a nudge, not a threat. *g*)

I have a good friend who's gay (I'm a straight female myself, mind - not a stereotypical faghag, but I do like gay fiction, so that makes me probably a fagbookhag *g*) who came out only six years ago, but I've known him for about 15 years now. Looking back, I realize that he tried to be as masculine as the other boys in his class, tried to "fit in", but his hobbies (gardening, baking, painting etc.) and his preference to hang around us girls and not playing footie in the breaks made him a bit of a scapegoat for the other boys to tease. When he then came out, he changed his behaviour also over time and is now more feminine than he was back then, but he's also much more at ease with himself and carries himself with way more self-confidence. I wish that he could have been this way back then when he was still in the closet, but as long as society - male society for the most part - sees feminine behavior in men as something despicable and weak, the call for "butching it up" will still be there, which is a great pity. 

This article is a great start and I wish it could be publicized in more avenues open to everyone, not just in gay media so that it could kickstart a discussion about preconceived notions of masculinity and feminity. 

Just my two cents! :-)

"Heterosexuality isn't normal, it's just common." - Dorothy Parker

While i totally understand this article and feel that none of us should be villified for living a life we have chosen that does not have any negative effect on the next person.However i have something else to talk about.Something that goes along with why many straight identified heterosexual men who sleep with men,along with gay and bisexual men generally do not prefer effeminate men.

Largely its due to the oppression many effeminate gay men have encountered throughout there life which leads to subconscious unawareness forms of being miserable.How many times have we seen effeminate men attempt to pigeonhole masculine gay and bisexual men as to being effeminate such as themselves?.It is actually very common amongst alot of them.The consistent insults toward masculine men as being queens when the fem is totally unaware there is not a lick of effeminity in the masculine male.The consistent attempts to pigeonhole all men who have sexual attractions to men as being one big happy family,when being sexually attracted to a male does not mean you identify with the GLBT community,nor obligated to conform to it.Not all gay and bisexual men encounter the same issues,experiences and many are not subject to criticism from heterosexuals(particularly masculine).In my experience this has angered many effeminate/flamboyant men to the point they become outraged and attempt to pigeonhole these masculine men as being as effeminate as they are out of misery.The severely oppressed individual tends to be very miserable and not aware of it.Misery in alot of ways loves company and will do anything in its power to drag others down to its level.Using ""pride""as a facade to many things.I find many of these masculine gay and bisexual men are not acting,they are naturally masculine as a result of growing up around heterosexual men.How could they be acting,when its something that occured as a result of assimilation and acclaimation to there heterosexual peers?.Some of you act as if all gay and bisexual men are supressing there effeminate natures to act masculine.This alone is enough to piss many masculine gay and bisexual men off and further fuels thge divide between them.

The consistent insults attempts to claim we are one big family that is obligated to take up for each other is something i find ridiculous and constructed by the stereotypical homosexuals who desire for this to be true.Plenty of heterosexual identified men sleep with other men(whether gay,bi or heterosexual identified)and have no cohesions with the GLBT community.So,its ridiculous to claim they should be welcoming effeminate men into open arms all based on having similar or same sexual attractions.No,he should not bash or hold a form of prejudice toward the effeminate male.Yet,to claim he should open him to welcome arms as if the masculine gay,bi or straight identified male has/is experiencing homophobia is absurd to the highest point.

Plenty of masculine gay,straight identified heterosexuals,bisexuals are disgusted by effeminate gay men because they develop the mentality that most or all are miserable,self loathing queens who fiend for every male that has sexual desires for other men to be just like them.Unfortunately this is not true,being that there are plenty of informed effeminate men out there who do not behave this way.

So please do me a favor and lets not project effeminate men as being some saints,because the truth is there are many oppressed individuals who are effeminate that are among the biggest shit starters that insist on attempting to pigeonhole all men with sexual desires to men as being just like them.Many of these guys totally have hatred for DOWNLOW MEN and use women as a crutch to why they hate these men,yet cannot admit the hatred exist simply because many of these men have found themselves content with very little to no prejudice from heterosexual men due to having similar or the same masculine mannerisms.

I for one am a semi-femme guy who happens to LOVE effeminate men! I see a stigma against effeminate men in our community. More often than not people say they want "straight- acting". What exactly does that mean anyway?  I really don't know. I am not straight and I do not want a straight man.  I love sports, am an accomplished athelete, drink beer.. is that not straight enough for you? Can I help it that I get excited over Stevie Nicks and soap operas? SHOULD I have to help it? I think not. I have no qualms about being myself and I expect my friends and partners to be the same way. If you really are butch, then be butch! But if you happen to love the glitter, that is fine with me too! Too long has it been accepted to bash the "gay acting" gays and say things like "It's ok, you're not femme". Even within the gay community this happens. It is time to end all that. I don't need to assert my masculinity in any way other than I see fit.  

Gay and lesbian rights are not special rights in any way. It isn't "special" to be free from discrimination. It is an ordinary, universal entitlement of citizenship."

I liked the article too.

 As somebody who does not act stereotypically feminine all the time (although I am getting into Broadway musicals a lot more as of late),  I've been told by guys that I liked that I wasn't "gay enough" and that I should quit "pretending."  It's not like I'm an NRA Republican football-watcher, either.  So the prejudice can definitely go both ways, and I really think we shouldn't care about it as much as we currently do.  Why wouldn't we want a skillset that encompasses everything--let's try to be good at everything under the sun, from interior decorating to construction :)

A better way to get at this topic is to question those who march to the beat of the gender mainstream. Those are the people who never question gender roles, and, consequently, abuse others for walking outside the lines. Feminine men and masculine women, regardless of their sexuality, are discriminated against for the same reason: No matter how queer you are, everyone's more comfortable if you don't look and act like it. 

We still live in a world where queer teens are killing themselves because of the harassment they encounter. It's more important to protect and encourage those who offer dissents from normality--the sissies, studs, and queens--than to ask, even rhetorically, that they answer for themselves.

wow, great article. very interesting

Does anyone even think the term 'effeminate' is fair? i personally cant stand it. i'm sitting here trying to word this in my head, as to not offend, but here goes....I've seen gay men who are...more outgoing in nature, but i dont see them as acting like a woman. fine, some are louder, and may say sentences a certain way and walk a certain way....BUT...not all women walk with a 'swish' and not all women talk the same way...it's all stereotypical. comparing certain gay men to how women behave. uh, not all women behave the same way. that, to me, is stereotypical.

I'm not a gay man, but i think when a group of people are so easily teased or mocked, then i think it's bound to happen that people within that group will want to steer clear. I don't think it's malicious intent....and ugh i am trying to think of something to compare it to...but i can't. nobody wants to be shunned. nobody wants to be teased and mocked. we all just want to be ourselves, but when society tears a portion of us down, we associate those people with failure in a sense...."oh, they wont get far...people are staring and pointing at them....people think he's weird, i can't be seen with him"

we all have to help each other, but i think society as whole needs to stop saying "women act this way, you act like this, so you're like them, you're wrong, blah blah blah"

hope that made sense..i'm sure someone said it or will say it better than I did.

I think this article continues to expand upon what have discussed in other posts and the debate we had about LGBT/GLBT last week.  Humans in general are continually debating who they are, their purpose in the world, and their own beliefs. As gay men our part of this quilt seems to be mainly about who are we as men.  Society has dictated how a man should act through popular culture and we are a casulty at times.

In my own experience, I know I swish at the hips a bit and my voice is characterized as being a little too focused on over annuciation but I enjoy sports; don't have a particular natural ability at fashion; I celebrate the chick much more often than I should; I am not a hand holder; I have an occasional hissy fit; I am not afraid to venture into a sports bar; i do love an occasional trance thump dance beat; I am known for my eye roll and one-liners; I love a good beer but at the right time a fancy cocktail is a fun thing; I am not crazy about cars; and I am certainly not a neat freak. But all this makes me "me." The fact that I have the prerequisite body parts makes me a member of the male gender, but being myself is so much more.

My partner and I are thinking about adoption lately and my one fear about being a gay man though is that I may make my son (if we have one) gay. I KNOW that is not possible and a silly thing to think of course, but many of the men in our adoption support group Maybe Baby agreed with me.  It isn't the fear of "making" our sons gay, its about having them copy or emulate our physical behavior I fear that has me worried in the back of my mind, because it was that behavior that led us to the pain of teasing by others in my own background. Again, it is not a bad thing to be gay - and don't I know it and am happy to be it - but I fear that as a starting point I fear that any son of mine's masculinity may be on my own mind once he ventures into the world. I don't worry about myself butching up and am quite open about who I am amongst my peers, but I fear I might be a "butcher upper" father when the time comes and have to train myself not to push it out of my own fears.

What I wonder is, as generations progress will this butching up feeling really matter since the generations coming up seem to have a more tolerant and open view about sexuality, homosexuality in particular.

One of the best articles I've ever read on the subject.

Here is my 2 cents worth. I'm one of those gay men who are attacted to the macho man. Those who are not are not my cup of tea personally. It's not whom I'm attracted to. That being said. I've had many less than macho friends over the years. I'll be one of the first to stand up and defend them if necessary. I came to realize that as a gay man, there are all types of "types", we've got the drag queens, the bears, the metro-sexual, the effiminates, the macho man, the closeted, the transexual's, the bisexuals. Everyone has a preference (even no preference is a preference). The reality is that we need to refer back to that golden rule we were all taught. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.