Turn It Down: 10 Reality Star Music Singles, Revisited

Slander my name in all the papers that’s what you wanna do
But you keep watching I’ll keep glowing that’s what I’ll do for you
Got me feeling all these feelings and it’s driving me insane
Paparazzi watching me do my thing

- Melissa Gorga, “On Display”

Just when you thought the Apocalypse couldn’t get any closer without actually happening, on Friday Real Housewives of New Jersey cast member Melissa Gorga declared war on the American public with her debut single, “On Display.” In the track, the fame-hungry reality star tackles just what it means to be a pseudo-wealthy, delusionally self-obsessed F-list TV personality in 2011, and I’ll be damned if she didn’t succeed:

Of course, Gorga is far from the first, or even the 20th, reality show cast member to throw their proverbial hat into the ring of wannabe pop stardom. And while “On Display” is certainly, shall we say, an underwhelming effort, it’s also far from the worst.

Below you can find a sampling of some of the other musical offerings sprung from the depths of the reality-TV gutter over the past several years, listed in increasing order of awfulness. But be forewarned: if you’ve ever struggled with depression in the past, the last few tracks here may just trigger a relapse.  

DJ Pauly D “Beat Dat Beat”

Yes, the lyrics are incredibly sexist (“I’m only dealing with nines and tens, not threes and fours”), but Pauly D was a working DJ before he was a reality star, and the aggressive beats here are irrefutably danceable.

Having just signed a three album deal with 50 Cent’s G-Unit Records label, at this point he stands the best chance of any Jersey Shore cast member to extend his fame beyond the inevitable end of the show.

Paris Hilton, "Stars Are Blind"

While I get that Paris Hilton is essentially a spray-tanned void of humanity with no noticeably redeeming qualities, you can’t deny she was one of the first reality stars to translate her TV fame into pop-music mediocrity.

And as these things go, "Stars Are Blind" actually isn't a bad song. In fact, the track’s soft reggae beats and Hilton’s passable vocals make it a shockingly sufferable, even pleasant, listening experience.

Miss Lawrence, “Closet Freak”

With “Closet Freak,” Real Housewives of Atlanta personality “Miss Lawrence” Washington proved that unlike co-star Kim Zolciak (“Tardy for the Party”), he can actually carry a tune. The track also boasts some clearly personal lyrics, with the cross-dressing hairstylist railing against a paramour who's only willing to love him in secret.

Though the warmed-over dance beats by Atlanta co-star Kandi Burruss are forgettable, Lawrence is at least a capable (if unsurprising) vocalist.