Choosing the Best Man for the Apocalypse

For those of you who don't know me well, you should probably know that I am a bit of a pessimist. I make my peace with God before I board airplanes, I have resigned myself to the idea of the Republicans winning the next Presidential election and I am pretty sure that the apocalypse is going to happen sooner, rather than later.

Luckily, Hollywood has prepared us for such an event with a vast collection of movies that take place after various types of apocalypses (apocali?). That gives us a great selection of guys from which to choose the perfect cinematic boyfriend according to your specific apocalypse needs.

Peeta Mellark (Josh Hutcherson) – The Hunger Games

Professional Apocalypse Experience: the Rob Kardashian of the Post-World War, totalitarian regime that enjoys murdering children for fun

Pros – Since Peeta isnot starving to death like most of the people he knows, Peeta is more likely to not die then some of the other immediate allies you might find. Plus, he's a good baker and quite the artist.

Cons – It's hard to bake well when you have no food, so that ends up being pretty unhelpful. Peeta also suffers from PTSD after watching the ritual murder of many of his friends, so he can be a tad unpredictable at times and really shouldn't be trusted around sharp objects.

Survival Odds – Maybe 20%. Peeta is a big fan of sacrificing himself to save the person that he loves, so he will totally throw himself in front a bullet for you, but that tactic is really only effective once, so after that, you're pretty much on your own.

Hotness Factor – Portrayed by actor Josh Hutcherson in the upcoming Hunger Games films, who is definitely attractive, but you'll have to overlook the fact that 19-year old Josh looks about 12.

Gale Hawthorne (Liam Hemsworth) – The Hunger Games

Professional Apocalypse Experience – post World War, totalitarian regime.

Pros – Gale is a great hunter, often providing food for his family as well as the other starving members of his village. He is also surprisingly tolerant of watching the person he loves pretend to be in love with someone else on national television.

Cons – He's not much a communicator, which can be incredibly frustrating to be in a relationship with. Plus, he demonstrates a bit of a bloodlust, sociopathic streak later on, so there's that to deal with.

Survival Odds – Probably about 50/50. Gale has a lot of practical skills that can serve you well in the apocalypse, like hunting, and he is the epitome of a pragmatist. Unfortunately, he is not afraid to stand up and challenge authority, which will probably get you killed in retribution, so you might want to watch out for that

Hotness Factor – Gale has that dark, brooding thing going on, and he is portrayed by Liam Hemsworth, who is beefy and Australian, which is totally hot, but he's also dating Miley Cyrus, which is kind of icky.

Eli (Denzel Washington) – The Book Of Eli

Professional Apocalypse Experience – Various acts of badassery in a post nuclear World War wasteland.

Pros – Eli is nothing if not tenacious, willing to walk for thirty years to find the right person, plus he can fight off like twelve guys at once.

Cons – He's a little narrow-focused, with his only goal being his mission, so if you do something nice for him, like wash his threadbare clothing in the least radioactive lake in town, he probably won't notice.

Survival Odds – Pretty high, considering Eli's badass fighting skills.

Hotness Factor – He's looking a little rough, considering the whole apocalypse thing going on but come on, it's Denzel Washington. Is it just me, or are people always filthy during the apocalypse? I mean, most of humanity is gone, so you would think it would be easy to grab a new outfit at the Gap every day. But I digress...