Dear Pigeon Guts: I’m a Skinny Guy Desperately Attracted to Muscles – Is it Hopeless?

Today: I’m a skinny guy desperately attracted to muscles – is it hopeless? Plus, I’m an 18-year-old who wants to ask out a 27-year-old. How do I do it?

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Dear Pigeon Guts: Ever since I hit puberty – hell, even before I hit puberty – I have had an intense fascination with muscular men. I mostly blame it on all of the super hero cartoons I watched as a kid. But no matter who or what I blame, I cannot deny the fact that I have an intense and fairly unhealthy fetish.

Every time I see -- or even come in close proximity to – a guy packing serious muscle, my insides clench up and I become silly putty. Forget saying an initiating "hey" -- I can barely keep myself from scaling them like Mount Everest. My biggest problem is when I attempt to workout at my local gym. Not only do I fail to concentrate, I become so horned up that I usually leave early.

Now, I am definitely not bad looking: I'm 22, limber and compact -- you could fold me up and store me in an overhead compartment if you wanted to (no, I'm serious), but my body is nowhere near similar to those I find attractive. I've never really approached a larger guy due to this. Not just because I am completely intimidated, but because I always figured buff guys were attracted to other buff dudes.

I know all of this may sound ridiculous and quite shallow, but it's not like I haven't dated guys with different body types and/or personalities. I am actually a very romantic person, which makes all of this extremely difficult for me and my dating life. I want more than anything to be with someone I'm attracted to, but it feels like those that I'm attracted to are in a completely different league than I.

Is it wrong for me to be so captivated by such a shallow form of masculinity? Or am I just another product of our cultures inclination towards men who are bigger and stronger? Or am I just being stupid? -- Drew, Los Angeles CA

The Pigeon Guts Speak:
Who knows why you are the way you are? (Although I’m definitely putting some of my money on the “superhero” argument!)

You’re right: you have a fetish. This is an intense sexual attraction to a specific thing, act, or type of person, and they’re actually very common among men, to varying degrees of intensity. In fact, fetishes are so common that psychiatrists now consider them part of the normal spectrum of human sexuality.

In other words, you also have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of or feel stupid about. Be proud! Celebrate the fact that there is something in this world that moves you.

(Although it must be said that if this fetish is literally making it difficult for you to function in the world, there are both cognitive and medical treatments to control your feelings that you could explore with a therapist.)

As for wanting to date a man like this, you have nothing to apologize for here either. This idea that we should all be equally attracted to everyone in life is hogwash. Sure, consider all aspects of a person and try not to limit yourself, but first and foremost, the men we date absolutely need to float our boat.

That said, you need to know two things: how often are muscled men to be attracted to less muscled ones? The good news is there’s a thing called “muscle worship” which is exactly what it sounds like: muscled men fetishizing being fetishized, and they usually most appreciate being fetishizied by men like you, men who are smaller and less muscled than they are.

It is probably safe to say that there are more worshipers than there are worshipees, which kind of sucks, but hey, you’re still a lot better off than most straight men with female-orientated fetishes, since very few women have any fetishes at all.

The Internet being the Internet, muscle worshiping communities shouldn’t be hard to find at all.

The second thing you need to know is that while a fetish is an opportunity in life, it’s also a bit of challenge. You want more than just a sexual encounter, right? You’re looking for a relationship. It’s true that most Internet fetish communities tend to focus on, well, sex. But I still think this is a good place to start – or at least a place to understand and appreciate that there are muscled men who will appreciate you.

Regarding which, the number one complaint of people who date people with fetishes is that, over time, they feel objectified and dehumanized. So when it comes to the “relationship” part, learn to keep it in check, okay?

And incidentally? While your attraction to muscled guys may or may not be a product of cultural conditioning, I think your sense of inferiority around them probably is – and, ironically, it’s probably hurting your efforts in dating them. It’s one thing to act inadequate in sexual roleplay, but it’s something else entirely to feel that they’re out of your league in general.

They’re not. And it’s probably when you start truly believing that that you’ll have the best chance at dating one.

Dear Pigeon Guts: I'm a young gay man, 18-years-old, in a really conservative state. I've been out for a little less than a year now, and one of the main reasons I came out was to find a boyfriend. The thing is, there are no other openly gay/bi men in my social circle or school (and yes, I literally mean that, not that I just can't find any). My social circle is luckily pretty liberal, and I've had no trouble with acceptance.

Now for the question: there's a man I'm really into who’s 27– years-old. I know he won't freak if I ask him out, but I'm pretty sure he's not gay. Maybe bi, but not gay. And if I were to ask him out, it would probably make things awkward between us if he said no, but since we are not particularly close currently, that's not a big deal. So my question is, should I ask him out, and if so, how should I go about it? In person? Email? I'm really clueless. -- John, North Carolina

The Pigeon Guts Speak:
You’re a senior in high school in a really conservative state thinking of asking out a 27-year-old man who you don’t know well and probably isn’t gay?

There are plenty of potential pitfalls here (and too many unknowns for me: are you out to your parents? Are you already out to this guy? Does this guy know your parents and, if so, would they be okay with things? Is he already in a relationship? How exactly do you know him and does he have any supervisory role over you in any way?).

But hey, you’re both consenting adults and – assuming there’s no chance of devastating scandal or parental abandonment, he’s not your teacher or supervisor, and he’s not involved with anyone else – there may be a way to cautiously proceed.

Whether he’s gay or bi, there’s a high probability that he doesn’t want to get involved with someone so young and/or inexperienced. Keep in mind that your age-gap, and the negative assumptions that lots of people will make about him if you were to date, will probably be at the front of his mind.

Before directly asking him out, I vote for getting to know him better. I’m assuming you’ve already Googled and Facebooked him, to no avail, and you have no mutual friends to inundate with questions. So why not ask him if he wants to get coffee? If you’re out to him and he’s willing to meet you, it’s a good bet he’s interested. (And if he’s not willing to be seen with you in public, that’s a very red flag that he’s not relationship material and that you should stay far, far away.)

Once you have that first coffee date, go to your liberal, supportive friends and tell them everything that happened. They’ll tell you what to do next.

Regarding the slightly separate issue of dating outside your age group: that can be complicated – it has a high degree of difficulty in a liberal state, even more so in a conservative one. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it if you’re heart is telling you to, but it does mean you need to keep certain things in mind: (a) make sure he’s willing to spend time with you around your friends in your age group – and afterward, ask them to be honest with you about what they think of him (and listen!); (b) consider it a huge red flag if he tries to make all the decisions in the relationship or push you to do things you’re not comfortable with; and (c) always have safe sex.

No, seriously. Always, no matter what he says. And if he says no, bail on him. Immediately. Call a cab if you have to. He’s far more likely to be HIV-positive than you are, you have absolutely no experience negotiating safe sex, and if he’s not willing to help you out here, he’s clearly someone who is inconsiderate and cannot be trusted.

P.S.: Long-term? Get the hell out of that town. Go to college somewhere in a bigger city.

Need life advice? Contact me here (and be sure and include your city and state and/or country)!