How Do I Overcome My Hatred of Effeminate Men?

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Dear Pigeon Guts: The reason I am writing is because of my own ignorance. I have an internal hatred of effeminate men. I have often used the word "faggot" to describe effeminate men I encounter. I am deeply hypocritical because I am gay myself. I shave my body hair furiously, I wear pink briefs (Aussiebums), wear skin tight jeans, and am often mistaken for a girl because of my androgynous facial, and body features such as my large butt.

I try to be more tolerant, but I frequently fail and let my internal hatred and ignorance get the best of me. I DON'T WANT TO HURT ANYMORE PEOPLE! I want to become more tolerant of effeminate guys. Please advise me! – Self-Hating Hater, Lexington, North Carolina

The Pigeon Guts Speak:
What do they say about the most important step in changing yourself is wanting to change? And my hat is off to you, because you’ve really put your finger on the actual problem, which has nothing to do with effeminate men and everything to do with yourself.

How exactly does your effemiphobia manifest itself? If it’s a question of making catty comments to your friends, you can change that as easily as you change your pink Aussiebum briefs. Just stop saying those things.

But I suspect you’re talking about something deeper: a sense of discomfort you have around effeminate guys.

This is worth exploring. Effeminate guys can be annoying jerks just like anyone else, of course, but when people think of them as annoying simply because they’re effeminate, that’s the real problem.

Years ago, that was me. I had a very effeminate friend at the time, and we were close enough that one time when he was acting particularly campy, I outright asked him, “Why do you do that? Why do you put on a show? Did you ever just try toning it down?”

He looked at me, and he said, “Every day, until I was about 18-years-old. It was clear that that’s what everyone around me wanted, so I tried to butch it up, I tried not to talk with my hands. And I was completely miserable. I used to want to kill myself. Finally, I got so tired of feeling miserable, and I just accepted that I am what I am. But it’s not a show: this is who I am, how I’m comfortable presenting myself.”

And I thought to myself, “Wow, that sounds a lot like the process I went through before I accepted I was gay.”

And I also thought, “Of all the people I know, he is one of the few who does seem genuine and absolutely true to himself.”

Then he said: “But why does the way I act bother you? Why does it have anything to do with you at all?”

I’ve thought a lot about what he said. The truth is, I was worried that people would look at him and make certain judgments about the manliness of all gay people – a judgment that would spill over onto me.

But why did I care so much what other people thought? Rather than trying to get my friend and all the people like him to conform to some ridiculous standard of “acceptability,” I needed to be more like my friend in at least one way: much less worried about what other people thought of me.

I’m no saint: I’m sure I’ve said and done things that were very hurtful to effeminate guys. These feelings we have, about others and about ourselves, are deeply ingrained.

But what worked for me was trying hard to see the issue from his perspective, not mine. Once I did that, it became almost impossible not to see how stupid I was being.

Dear Pigeon Guts: My problem is my "friend with benefits." Of course, I don't know if calling him a friend-with-benefits is completely appropriate. I prefer to refer to him as my "man-friend" mainly because calling him my "boyfriend" isn't completely official yet. All I know is I care a lot about him, and I know he cares about me, but there's a lot of issues concerning our relationship that I want to address.

For one, he and I can't officially date because he's living with his ex-boyfriend. Apparently, his ex gets very jealous when he brings guys home, but his ex isn't above bringing guys home himself. And if the guys his ex brings home aren't interested in having sex with his ex, they make out with my man-friend. And apparently, I'm not allowed to be jealous of him making out with random guys but his ex getting jealous of him having a proper relationship with me is justified.

Another problem: I feel like he has a lot of double standards. He goes off to Seattle every other weekend to party with his friends (all of whom are gay men). He goes to these parties and he's very touchy-feely, he's very hands-on, and I'm cool with that (not really). I'll admit that I'm jealous because he can go to parties and I'm stuck thirty miles away, trying to graduate by the skin of my teeth. But, apparently I'm not supposed to be jealous of him being around all these hot guys and getting hickeys from his friends -- because "that's how [he is] with [his] friends,” but he can be jealous of me going on dates with guys who are willing to go that extra step with me.

I know he cares -- he's met my family, he's gone to my concerts, he's done a variety of things with me; but I've never met his friends, I've never met his ex (which is obviously something he doesn't want to happen), and I've only met his grandfather. I feel like I'm ready to let him into my life, something I very rarely do (I was in an abusive relationship a couple years ago and have been going through my "sex phase" ever since), but he won't commit because he's either scared or worried or whatever.

I want to know, should I just drop him (something I don't want to do but feel I need to do), or should I keep going and just deal with the strings that come attached? – Connor, Washington State

The Pigeon Guts Speak:
You were in an abusive relationship a couple of years ago? I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re in an abusive relationship now, and “man-friend” is just your way of excusing and justifying his classic abusive behavior.

A “friend with benefits” is the term used to describe a relationship that is completely physical: no strings or commitments at all. Assuming you’re accurately describing the situation, what we have here is just a boyfriend who’s an a**hole.

He’s not scared or worried to commit. He has nothing to gain by doing so: you’re already committed to him (and he’s putting restrictions on you, which you’re letting him do), and at the same time, he’s able to do anything he wants.

And before you say anything: yes, I get that he can probably be a sweetheart at times. And I’m sure he says he cares for you.

Well, of course he does! How do you think abusive boyfriends get their way? They always have to muddy the waters at least a little bit. (Which, frankly, is why I get annoyed by the portrayals of abusive jerks as obvious jerks in movies and on TV: maybe it makes good drama, but in real life, things are always way more complicated.)

But the issue here isn’t your ex. It’s you, and the fact that you’re putting up with this. Why is that? Why are you not listening to the friends who are surely telling you to dump this jerk ASAP? That’s something you need to explore with a therapist.

P.S. He’s sleeping with his ex. You know that, right?

Need life advice? Contact me here. (And be sure and include your city and state and/or country!)