What’s the Right Way to Respond to a Drunken Romp?

Today: The Pigeon Guts reveal their wisdom regarding two very different drunken romps.

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Dearest Pigeon Guts: I've had this crush on a boy from school for the latter half of the year. However, at the start of the year, I decided that I wouldn't have any sort of relationship, be it strictly sexual or otherwise, with anyone in my program because it is such a tiny program and things inevitably get messy. Thus, I have just dealt with this crush in a "it's never-gonna-happen" sort of way. He seemed to be flirty with me this year, but I didn't know whether to take this as actual interest or just friendly flirtation.

Flash forward to our end-of-the-year party, and let's just say I had a little too much to drink and somehow woke up in a bed with him the next morning with little recollection of any of the goings on of the night before. So not only did I break my rule, but I also have no idea whether or not I actually slept with him. I know something happened as I wasn't clothed when I woke up and, well, yeah, something happened.

This is all sorts of frustrating. I still really like this guy, but now I feel like an idiot. He's not the kind of person who I would just want to have a one night stand with and then not talk to again, and now I feel like that's my only option. So I guess my question is, have I royally messed this up? Should I just go back to my rule of no relations with people in my program or should I try and salvage something from this bad night of drunken debauchery? – Troy, Toronto, Canada

The Pigeon Guts Speak:
First, this guy likes you already. He was flirty, and the first real chance you got, you ended up in bed together. Your dismissal of the obvious evidence is reaching the level of the climate change deniers.

Meanwhile, at this point, the, um, genie is out of the, uh, bottle. Why the insistence that it be put back in? Because it’s a small program, and things could get messy? I suppose there’s some logic there, but how long is the program? Another year, maybe two? Worse case scenario: you can’t coexist for a time that short, even with a bitter ex, in the confines of a well-structured program?

Anyway, you tried it your way and things got messy anyway. They are messy, and they’re never going to not be messy again. This all happened at the program party, right? So not only did you get together, everyone knows you got together.

This is completely just a guess on my part, but I think there’s something deeper going on here with you. You have a crush on this guy. He obviously has a crush on you too. And yet not only did you invent a mediocre reason not to pursue him before, you’ve invented another even less compelling reason not to pursue him now, even though the, um, cat is already out of the bag, and you and he and the entire program already know it.

I’m also sensing some serious shame about this one-night-stand, which I think somehow plays into your reluctance to pursue this guy.

But you know what? Having a drunken romp isn’t the worst thing in the world. There are some very good reasons to regret them, but most of these reasons involve married or involved partners or unsafe sex – both things I’m assuming wasn’t the case here.

What’s really going on here? Internalized homophobia? Low self-esteem? Give it some thought, okay?

Let me psychoanalyze you even further and say I think there are usually reasons why people succumb to nights of drunken debauchery, and they usually involve some kind of self-denial. In other words, I suspect you’ll end up in bed with this guy again before too long – because, well, the stallion is out of the barn.

I think you have two choices: openly pursue a relationship with this guy, or skulk along lusting for each other, occasionally giving into temptation (and alcohol) – after which you feel great shame and regret.

Dear Pigeon Guts: I met a guy through a friend of a friend in December. We instantly hit it off and as we went out for drinks got closer and friendlier. While nothing happened at that time, he mentioned he had a boyfriend so I knew to back off. We've since begun to hang out more and more and go out, and essentially become drinking buddies. He is usually very flirty when we hang out, and one night I asked him what that was about. He said it's his "problem" where he's too affectionate and we're "just friends," I was okay with it but as time grew on, I felt he wasn't fully truthful because he'd be affectionate and flirt with me still.

One night out we got very close and he kissed me, he apologized – drunkenly – for "leading me on" and we kissed more that night. Another night, I initiated it. Finally a week ago we were hanging out and we began to really make out and feel each other up. We went at it that night a couple of times. I expressed my sadness that this may have ruined our relationship. He went home and a few days later we talked. He and his boyfriend are staying together (they do live together and it's a big idea to ask him to break up). I told him my feelings for him, but I feel a bit stupid about the whole thing now. We've hung out a few times since then. I'm not sure what to do. I think he's interested in me, because he hangs out with me straight after work some days, not seeing his boyfriend all day.

Anyway, my question is what should I do? I really do like his friendship, but I don't want to continue this weird thing that's been going on. My friends are conflicted. Some say just keep going for it and some say let him go and cut it off (even as friends). So, Dear Pigeon Guts, what do you think should I do? – LH, Los Angeles, CA

The Pigeon Guts Speak:
In one sense, my response is similar to the first question: you like this guy (as more than a friend), and it’s clear that he likes you to. You’re going to continue to end up pushing limits together, especially since alcohol is frequently involved. You’re drinking buddies, for God’s sake!

But not all drunken romps are created equal. In response to the first question, I said, “Go for it!” In response to this question, I say, “Run far away from this guy, fast, as soon as you can. Don’t even be friends with him, because he isn’t interested in you as a ‘friend.’”

Let’s face it: for most of us, a big part of the appeal of sex and romance is the anticipation, the flirty “game” that is played along the way.

But some of us also take it a step further. Remember what I said about self-denial often forcing people to do hidden, “shameful” things they regret? Not surprisingly, some of us start to associate those hidden, shameful things with sex itself, and get turned on by them. “Cheating” gets incorporated into their sexual make-up, even becoming a sort of fetish. Unavailable men and situations become attractive just because they are unavailable.

Is that who this guy is? I’m speculating, of course, but I think it could be. If he really wanted to solve this “problem” of his, he’d be self-aware enough to be in an open, not a closed, relationship. And for what it’s worth, this will probably always be him.

But this doesn’t describe you. You like this guy, but you’re not turned on by the way you’re getting together.

In other words, the problem isn’t just the fact that this guy has a partner with whom he’s supposedly monogamous (as significant as that is). Imagine you did end up with this guy. Is this really someone you’d want to be with? You think he won’t be flirty and hands-y with other guys while you’re together?

This guy isn’t looking for a “friend,” and I can’t believe you’d be interested in him as a boyfriend. So what’s left? Why would you possibly spend time with him?

Need life advice? Contact me here (and be sure and include your city and state and/or country!)