Should I Respond to a Former Bully Who Tries to Friend Me on Facebook?

Today: The all-knowing Pigeon Guts speak! Questions include:do I come out in job interviews – and how do I tell my biphobic mom I’m bi?

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Dear Pigeon Guts: A few months ago someone who used to bully me in elementary and middle school (not for being gay, but for being really short) sent me a friend request on Facebook. I was really surprised because this guy was really awful to me – he used to punch me and push me around and call me names, standard bully stuff – so I declined the request.

Today he sent me a message on Facebook asking why I declined the friend request, if I didn't remember who he was or something. Of course I remember him – how could I forget? I ignored the message and haven't responded but it's been bugging me why he would want to contact me after so long (I'm a senior in college now). Maybe he wants to make amends. Do I add him? Do I message him back? I really don’t know what to make of his interest in contacting me. -- Emilio, Dominican Republic

The Pigeon Guts Speak:
First, he contacted you. Given your history together, you owe him absolutely nothing. And if he wanted to make amends, he could’ve done so in his message to you. I think the fact that he didn’t suggests something about his character – namely, that he’s not courageous, smart, and/or self-aware enough to realize that he bullied you and owes you a major apology.

So if you wanted to ignore him completely, you’re completely within your rights.

But if it’s bugging you and you want to respond, that’s okay too. That said, if you do, I’d keep it brief and keep it factual: “Yes, I remember you, but I was surprised to get your friend request, because, frankly, my memories of you are bad ones. You were a bully to me, and you’re really not someone I consider a ‘friend.’”

Why the non-emotional approach? Because who’s to say he’s not still a bully? Perversely, bullies thrive on the negative reactions they inspire in others, so don’t give him the privilege of hearing of the pain you experienced. Don’t give him that power.

And don’t expect an apology from him in response. We know he was once a bully, and we suspect he’s still clueless. So if he’s true to form, he’ll probably react with some combination of aggression, self-pity, and general jerkishness.

Don’t be surprised by this. If you expect the worse from him, you won’t be surprised when you get it.

That said, if you do get anything from him that doesn’t include a full-on, heartfelt apology, immediately block his bullying ass. And then don’t even think of this asshat ever again.

Dear Pigeon Guts: I'm gay and a med student on my senior year. I'm currently in the process of applying to residency programs across the states. I'm supposed to be interviewed for the different programs that I've applied to. I was wondering how wise would it be to disclose my sexuality. I understood that it would be better to state it only if asked directly. It shouldn't matter what my sexuality is, but I don't what give any interviewers second thoughts about potentially taking me into their program. What do you think is the best way of going about this? -- Charlie, San Juan, PR

The Pigeon Guts Speak:
Bring it up only if asked directly about it (which is extremely unlikely). In your other answers, I think discretion is in order.

Yes, it’s very important to be out and open about who you are – and once you’re accepted at a school, you absolutely should be.

But at this point in the process, I think it has the possibility to seriously disadvantage your career – while doing little or nothing for the “cause” of equality.

Sure, many – most? – interviewers are probably not biased against GLBT interviewees. But I suspect there are at least a few who might be taken aback by you casually incorporating your sexuality in an interview – even if straight interviewees do the same thing all the time. They might think you have an “agenda,” because – let’s face it – we still live in a world of extreme heterosexual privilege.

Yes, part of the problem is the fact that so few people like yourself are out and open in the interview process – a status quo you’re perpetuating.

But if you simply confirm their stereotype that gay people have “agendas,” and they simply reject you without getting to know you (and realize how wrong they are), you’re not changing the problem anyway.

Q: I'm 16, female, and a sophomore in high school. I'm also bisexual. I've known this since I was about twelve and am completely fine with it. I'm not out to anyone, but I really would like to be. My friends wouldn't have a problem with it and my school is extremely tolerant and LGBT-friendly.

The problem is that I would really like to tell my mom before anyone else, and I'm not quite sure how. You see, we've always been very, very, very close and don't keep many secrets from one another. I literally tell her everything (except for bi-related stuff of course). I consider her to be one of my best friends (which I know is weird coming from a 16-year old). She knows that I frequent both Afterelton and Afterellen and am an avid slash/femslash fan. Once I asked her if she ever wondered why I was into all this "gay stuff,” to test the waters I guess. She replied that it was my right to like whatever or whomever I was inclined to and that if I was a lesbian, she would fully support me. I was 13 at the time and really not ready to come out so I just quickly said: "Thanks, Mom. And no, I'm not a lesbian." Sure, we've talked about my crushes on guys at school but I've never been open with her about any of the girls I've liked.

She's always taught me to be tolerant and accepting of everyone, no matter what their race, gender, sexuality, religion, etc. We've had long in-depth conversations about these topics, especially sexuality. However, the one topic that my mom gets shifty-eyed about is bisexuality. Therein lays the problem. She grew up during the 80's in inner-city Boston. Although she had a couple of gay friends, all of the professed bisexuals she knew were either girls who were lying to gain attention and/or make themselves seem more attractive, people who came out as gay a few years later, or complete sluts who would "do it" with pretty much anything/anyone.

She has even told me out-right that she doesn't believe bisexuality exists. I've tried to convince her otherwise, but haven't really made much progress. I don't want her to think that I'm just trying to get attention or covering up the fact that I'm a lesbian. I am bisexual. I know that if I turned around to my mother and told her that I was a lesbian, she would accept me with open arms and probably join the nearest chapter of PFLAG. If I told her I'm bisexual, I know that she'd try to accept me, but she'd never really understand it. I don't want her misunderstanding and my inability to educate her to harm the close bond that we have. So I guess my two main questions are: How do I cure my mom of her biphobia and show her that being bi is all right? And should I try coming out to her? -- RI, USA

The Pigeon Guts Speak:
Yes, the time has come to come out to her.

You’re understandably worried that this will affect your relationship with her, but read between the lines of your own letter: your being closeted is already affecting your relationship with her. You worry she’ll pull away from you, but in a sense, you’re already pulling away from her, because you’re disappointed by her biphobia. The relationship doesn’t feel quite as “safe” as it did before.

I suspect this will just get worse as the years go by, especially as you establish a public bisexual identity with other people. You’ll start to resent that it feels like she’s forcing you to keep this important part of yourself from her.

But that’s the bad news. The good news is that I strongly suspect your mother will rise to this particular occasion. You say she’ll “never” understand, because of previously negative experiences she’s had. But her relationship with you is one of her experiences too – something that I’m almost positive will trump those other experiences.

Might she have a negative reaction at first? Sure. But this is part of any adult relationship: since no one is perfect, we sometimes disappoint each other. But if the relationship is strong and healthy, as yours clearly is, the people two change. The first person gains some new understanding, and the second person forgives the first. The relationship turns out to be even stronger and closer than before.

And when the time comes that you do something stupid and disappoint your mother, you’ll both appreciate knowing that she’s not perfect either.

Why am I so confident you can turn this around? Because of something in your letter that I don’t even have to read between the lines to see: you’re a thoughtful, intelligent, caring person.

You’re mom already knows that. She’ll pay close attention to whatever you have to say.

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