I’m Torn Between Two Lovers – How do I Decide?

Today: The Pigeon Guts reveal their wisdom on all things advice-related, including: is it a good idea to come out via Facebook?

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Dear Pigeon Guts: I have always wished for a good boyfriend. I told myself early on that to have a good boyfriend, I must be a good partner. So I worked hard academically, and built character into my personality.

Before now, I had bad luck with boyfriends. Guys were either noncommittal, taciturn, or just horny. I just wanted a guy who was honest and fun, and has a killer smile. Now two like guys have come my way at the same time.

They’re both so fun to talk to we don’t want the conversations to end. Despite how good-looking they both are, they are both also very much into me. They both consider me an over-achiever, and are even more attracted to me because of that. How awesome is that?

I have not been flirting with each simultaneously. In fact, I've been trying to avoid that. I'm most invested in Guy A, so with Guy B, I enjoy the conversations, but I try not reciprocate his flirts -- because I do see something happening with Guy A.

I really like Guy A, and I want to move slowly with him because I'm enjoying every second of our time together. But I feel like I have to explain what's going on to Guy B because leading B on would be cruel, no? The trouble is that Guy A and I aren't boyfriends. So it'll be odd saying to B, "Hey, I'm pursuing something with this guy I really like, and it might be great! Hope you understand." Equally bad would be when it's too late and I say, "Well, I know we've been hanging out/date-ish (perhaps to his interpretation) for this time, but I just got a boyfriend. Sorry!"

So should I explain the situation to Guy B, and hope we can still be friends?
Should I also tell Guy A what's going on, or is it better not to say anything at all? After all, at this point, I'm free to talk, and flirt with whomever I want. Or is that pre-cheating? -- Anonymous

The Pigeon Guts Speak:
You say you’re an over-achiever: it’s possible you’re thinking about this too much too. So think about that, okay?

I’m kidding.

At this point, you’ve done nothing wrong. You’ve led no one on, and you haven’t lied. There’s no such thing as “pre-cheating.”

But you’re approaching a Rubicon. If you’ve definitely decided to give it a shot with Guy A, I think you need to be honest with Guy B. But “honest” doesn’t necessarily mean saying, “I really like you, but I like this other guy a little bit more, so I’m going to date him just to see how it goes.”

You haven’t actually dated Guy B, right? You’re just flirting? So what you technically are is “friends.” And friends, especially gay friends, say to each other all the time, “There’s this guy I think I like, and I think we’re going out.”

I don’t think you should make this any big thing – just mention it very casually (because it is casual, at least right now). But yeah, I think it should be put out there, so he doesn’t feel led on if the day soon comes, and it might, when you announce, “Oh, hey, I have this great boyfriend I’ve known for months!”

That’s just bad karma.

And you should be honest with Guy A too, but once again, that doesn’t mean spelling it all out in intimate detail. Tell him you have a “friend,” which is what Guy B is. And if he comes up in conversation, let him come up. A good rule: if you’re with Guy A, and you find yourself not mentioning Guy B, you’re dancing awfully close to the “lying” line.

The further you move from “flirting” to “dating” to “a relationship” with Guy A, the more open and forthcoming you should be to him about Guy B (keeping in mind that no one boyfriend ever wants to hear the gritty details of past relationships, except sometimes in bed).

I think you should do these things for decency sake, but you know what? There’s also something in it for you. Remember what I said about karma? If Guy A doesn’t work out, you’ll be far more likely to have a shot with Guy B if you’ve treated everyone honorably all along the way.

Dear Pigeon Guts: I'm a 22-year-old closeted gay guy from France. Despite knowing that I'm gay since I was like 13, I have, so far, only come out to my best female friend just this year. I've had a really hard time accepting myself as gay. I've felt ashamed about it forever and scared that someone would find out. Not knowing any openly gay people or having anyone to talk to about it hasn't exactly made it easier. Because I've become used to trying to hide it from everyone, I haven't become the type of person who easily opens up about his feelings.

As dumb as it might sound, I've only become more and more comfortable with who I am by "documenting" myself on the so-called "gay culture" on the internet, watching gay-themed movies and TV shows with gay storylines. I think I have now come to a point where I don't feel like I have to be ashamed about myself anymore or give a damn about what people think, and that I do deserve to be as happy as anyone else.

Even though I don't think I would lie about my sexuality anymore if any of my friends or my brother were to ask me about it, I don't feel like just dropping it in the middle of the conversation "Oh btw, I'm gay!" I really don't.

So I've considered discreetly changing my Facebook profile to "interested in men". That way, if any of my friends ask about it, I can just be honest with them, and I think it would make it easier for me to "officially" come out. But maybe (probably?) I'm just being a coward and trying to avoid dealing with it by myself. Is that lame?

The one thing that bothers me about it is that, as I haven't come out to my family yet, I think it would embarrassing for them to find out from someone else than myself. I think some of them “know,” but some of them would probably be caught completely off-guard? Weird, right? I don't really want to put them in that position. I always thought it was paradoxical how easier it should be to come out to the people who are supposed to really know and love you, but how scary it is, considering that if they don't react nicely, it will hurt you the most. -- Edgar, France

The Pigeon Guts Speak:
This may not be the worst idea in the world, but I still think it’s a mistake. Coming out in person is awkward and uncomfortable, but it does give you a measure of control over the process: you can’t control how other people react, but you get to decide who to tell. Yes, they can then tell other people, but by coming out to that first person, you’re communicating to the world: “I’m out! This is no longer an issue that must not be discussed around me!” And the more you come out in person, the easier it gets and (this is the really weird part) the more confident you become in your “publicly gay” identity.

Basically, by coming out, you’re learning how to be out. It’s hard at first, but it gets better. It’s an important part of the process.

By coming out on Facebook, you circumvent all that. Yes, it’s a little bit like jumping quickly into the cold water: you get it over with fast. On the other hand, you have no control over the process whatsoever – people will talk (boy, will they talk!), and you won’t be there to answer questions.

Remember, the whole point of communication is to be clear. But by merely changing your “interested in” status, you’re not really clarifying things – you’re actually sort of muddying them, at least in the short term.

“Wait,” people think. “When did this happen? Am I supposed to know this?” Or, “Did he click the wrong button by accident? Is this a prank someone’s playing on him – or he’s playing on us?”

In the end, I think this causes as many problems as it solves.

You say you’ve felt a lot of shame about being gay. I suspect this is where you’re attraction to coming out via Facebook is coming from. But coming out on Facebook is for coming out to your Facebook friends – who, as everybody now knows, are mostly not real “friends.” For coming out to real-life friends, you’re still much better off doing it “live.”

Dear Pigeon Guts: I am a 51-year-old straight female and have a question for you, when I was in high school way back in the 70s, we had one guy that was, well, "flaming." We were in the same grade, but never in any classes together. I don't remember thinking anything of him at the time, other than he was pretty funny sometimes, but I was really clueless and naive back then. Anyway, after high school I found out my very best friend and one of our three valedictorians was gay. He and I had an incredible friendship until he died of AIDS in March 2006. Now with all of the talk about bullying and everything, I have really been thinking about the guy who was so out in high school.

I have so much respect for him now, because even when it was really not even talked about, he was courageous enough to be exactly who he is, even when he received a lot of flak for it. I have seen him at high school reunions, he still lives in our small town, and we've even talked some at the reunions. He is the owner of a successful hair salon. Anyway, I have been thinking about trying to contact him on Facebook and tell him how much I admire him. Would this be too weird? – Pam, Beaumont, Texas

The Pigeon Guts Speak:
If it were me, I’d be touched and flattered. Effeminate guys get so much crap from both straight and gay people that I’m having a hard time thinking how anyone could be offended by: “Wow, in high school I thought you had a lot of courage to be yourself.”

But just to be sure there’s not a potential for weirdness here, ask yourself this: Why exactly am I doing this? Is it truly a selfless gesture that is the result of the wisdom I’ve developed over the years – or is there some element of self-congratulation (“I’m so much more tolerant than my idiot family!”) or guilt-assuagement (“The truth is, I treated people like him badly, and I should do something to make up for that”) at work here?

If this truly is a (mostly) selfless gesture, and if you can be sure you’re not treating him like some kind of sacred museum piece, I say go for it!

Need life advice? Contact me here (and be sure and include your city and state and/or country!)