I'm in Love with a Closeted Hollywood Actor: Do I Stay or Go?

Today: The Pigeon Guts reveal their wisdom on all things advice-related, including what to do about a tendency to fall in love with straight guys!

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Dear Pigeon Guts: I'm 19-years-old and I am in my second year of university. I have spent the last four years of my life in love with three straight guys. The first one was in high school, and the whole situation caused a lot of awkwardness amongst our mutual friend group for a long while.

The second guy was last year: my first year of college. I was completely convinced this one was gay. He showed all the signs. And alas one drunken night, I decided it would be a good idea to kiss him. Turns out it wasn’t. And although he is still friends with most of my friends, we don't even look each other in the eyes now.

And now it’s a new year and I have fallen for another guy that is indubitably straight. He has been seeing a female friend of mine on and off for the last 3 months, although they have not yet had sex, and he often bitches to me about how irritating she can be. He dresses really well, he's not into hardcore sports, he's polite and sensitive, and once or twice I have seen him looking at me (this could be my imagination).

I see him every day and we are becoming really good friends. I don't know what to do or think anymore. WHY do I keep falling for the straight ones?! Sometimes being gay seems like such a curse as I swear I never meet any gay people, all of my friends are straight (but all know I'm gay), and I wouldn’t know where to find any others.

I really like this guy and don’t know whether to pursue the friendship or to take a chance and tell him how I feel. Any advice? -- JD, Brisbane, Australia

The Pigeon Guts Speak:
Why do you keep falling for straight guys? Because most guys are straight. That’s part of what’s screwing you up, and it probably always will. It’s simply a part of being gay – and it’s probably compounded by the fact that you’re attracted to conventionally masculine men, right?

I usually say that when it comes to dating, a guy is gay only if he says he is – to you and to his friends. Yes, yes, there are plenty of closeted guys, but you know the old adage about how you have to love yourself before you can love someone else? A healthy relationship is much, much easier at the end of the coming out process than at the beginning of it.

Stick to dating out gay and bi men, and you’ll save yourself a ton of heartache.

That said, I acknowledge that in high school and college, most guys are either in the coming out process, or they’re only just starting it.

So for you, for the time being, sometimes falling for straight guys is going to be inevitable.

But if it’s any consolation, it’s not just happening to you. Your geek guy friends are falling in love with unattainable sorority girls, you’re straight frat friends are falling in love with their hot cougar professors, and your straight female friends are falling in love with their gay friends (maybe even you).

It’s all a big mess. But it’s not a new big mess. Read any Shakespeare lately? Does anyone ever fall in love with the “right” person in any of his plays?

It’s also not the worst mess. So you thought that second straight friend was gay and kissed him. Did you lose an arm? Did he get cancer? That guy should be flattered that someone wanted to kiss him – not get all bent out of shape because yet another person mistook him for being gay.

I’m not trying to minimize your pain and frustration, which is real, but keep it in perspective, okay?

As for this third “straight” guy, sometime when he’s “off” with your female friend, I think you should drop a few subtle hints that you find him attractive and see how he reacts. If he’s gay and closeted, he’ll be open to the signals you’re sending. If he’s straight, he won’t be, and it’s time to move on. And if he’s straight and offended, that’s his issue, not yours.

Meanwhile, join your university’s gay student group or find a gay sports league you can join. Odds are most of the guys there will actually play for your team!

Dear Pigeon Guts: About six months ago, I met this great guy. He's funny, handsome and the kindest guy I've ever met. Our humor and temperaments are so similar I wake up, sometimes, with him next to me and can't believe he's actually real. I've never believed in true love or love at first sight or "the one," but this guy makes me question that maybe, just maybe, all those impossible things might be true.

But then, of course, there's a problem. This guy is an actor. He's been on TV shows and in movies, on covers of magazines and is expected to only get more well-known. He's also not out ... to anyone. Not his parents, not his friends, not his agent, no one. I don't even think his therapist knows. If it had just been curiosity and sex and exploration like it was at the beginning, I would just walk away (quietly bragging to my friends, of course!), but he tells me that he loves me and doesn't want me to go, and I want to love him back (and kinda already do, if I'm gonna be honest to myself), so I've stayed, so far. But I've always been out and proud. So right now, I feel kinda sh*tty about myself. I feel like I'm compromising who I am. I told myself once that I would never date a guy who wouldn't hold my hand in public but here I am, having a relationship that never leaves my apartment, or his. The one time we were out -- I convinced him no one would care about us getting frozen yogurt -- photographers showed up and he quickly ditched me in the street.

There's also been rumors of him dating various co-stars and starlets. A few months ago, he was photographed frolicking with one and it stung so much I told him I couldn't do it anymore. But he was so upset that he flew across the country, while he was in the middle of filming, to tell me that it was nothing, that I was getting upset with him over nothing, and that he really loved me -- he just wasn't ready to announce it to the world yet.

I would never out him, and I don't feel like it’s fair of me to ask him to choose between me and his career. It’s important to him, and it’s become important to me. I want his dreams to come true. I want to see him, twenty years from now, to look back, amazed, at all the things he was able to do.

But it’s breaking my heart. He doesn't even want to be seen with me. How can I be proud of this? How can I be proud of him when he's too scared to tell anyone he loves me? I've never met anyone who seems to understand me the way he does. We don't meet people like that every day, right? But this can't be the love of my life, doomed to secret corners and hushed shadows. I don't know what to do. I don't know what's best. How long should I wait? Should I wait? Do I leave and lose him, or do I stay and lose myself? -- J, New York, New York

The Pigeon Guts Speak: One of things I find most interesting about my job as an advice columnist is that I find myself giving two people in similar situations what seems to be the exact opposite advice. But read closely, and you’ll see that it’s not.

I think you should give this guy a chance.

What if you lived in 1692 – the time of the Salem Witch Trials? Would you still be frustrated with the fact that your boyfriend hasn’t come out? Would you still feel like you’re compromising your ideals?

Probably not, because you’d both have a really good reason to stay closeted.

Does your boyfriend have a good reason now? We can all be armchair quarterbacks and firmly insist that if we were in his place, we’d be out and proud and open – that there is no homophobia in Hollywood anymore, and even if there is, it’s our gay responsibility to act like there isn’t.

But when push comes to shove, how many people actually do this? Even actors most of us applaud and admire, people like Chad Allen and Neil Patrick Harris and Luke Macfarlane, weren’t out at that all-important beginning of their careers.

I can’t speak for them, but I can imagine what they were thinking: “Acting is my passion, the most important thing in my life. It’s also the most difficult profession in the world to be successful in. Am I willing to make it even more difficult, maybe even sacrifice my passion entirely, in the name of an abstract cause?”

Your case is a little different, in that this guy isn’t out to anyone. But weirdly, I think that’s how you’re going to decide whether or not to stay.

I think you should tell him that you completely support his decision to be professionally closeted, at least for the time being. In this instance, I think this is a reasonable request. And then you need to support him, despite the sacrifices.

But I think you should also tell him he needs to finally start the personal coming out process: he needs to tell his therapist, parents, and friends that he’s gay – and he needs to start meeting your trusted circle of friends as well.

As for frolicking with starlets, that needs to stop – or at least be discussed in advance with you and decided together.

This is a reasonable compromise. More importantly, it will tell you what you really need to know: if he’s temporarily closeted because of his very good reason, or if he’s a f**ked up closet case who isn’t mature or confident enough for a relationship.

P.S. Please be aware that part of what’s so amazing about this guy might be the situation. Secret loves are hot – and who wouldn’t be flattered to have a Hollywood star fly across the country to apologize to you? But no matter what happens, you’ll always have Paris.

Dear Pigeon Guts: I am the President of my community college's Gay-Straight Alliance. The club was recently provided a room for a Pride Center. The club is also trying to get a safe zone project up and running (any faculty member who wants to be a part of it has their office become a safe zone in which they can provide resources, a concerned ear and confidentiality). The Pride Center (which is really more of an office) will have resources pertaining to coming out, suicide prevention, safe sex ect. It will have books. It will be a safe place for LGBT students to come. I just want to know if you had any advice on anything. Anything I should incorporate? Anything I should remember? I am only 21 and my group really looks to me for answers. -- Brian, Stockton, CA

The Pigeon Guts Speak:
Here’s what I know: a welcoming, open, non-judgmental attitude is going to be more important than any actual resources. Also, save some of your budget for lots of good free food – especially pizza – and advertise a strong, free wireless connection.

And here’s one thing I’ve learned from writing for AfterElton.com for almost five years: listen closely to the folks you’re serving. If you’re truly open, they’ll tell you absolutely everything you need to know, what you need to do. Some of what they tell you might not be what you expected to be doing, but as long as it’s legal and ethical, it’s the work that really needed to be done.

Need life advice? Contact me here (and be sure and include your city and state and/or country!)