Help! The Internet Has Turned me into a Sexual Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Today: The Pigeon Guts reveal their wisdom on all things advice-related, including: how do I ask out the hot guy from my GSA?

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Dear Pigeon Guts: I am (now that school is over) technically a senior in high school. My problem is that I have this mad crush on this sophomore kid. Everything about his looks screams jock-head. But the first interaction I had with him was his first day at a GSA meeting, and I thought it was too good to be true. I later find out that he is a philosophical type who listens to classics and buries his head in books, and after a few conversations, I find out he is this very modest, nice, mysterious guy with the cutest smile that sets my heart a flutter.

Well anyway, I have no idea if he's gay or not and I am dying to find out, but don't know how to ask him without bruising our friendship. Help? -- B.K, Wisconsin

The Pigeon Guts Speak:
When a gay or bi guy is thinking about asking another guy out but doesn’t know if he dates men, there’s a rule that says the degree to which you can openly ask depends on the general openness of the community you’re in, and its attitude about gay people. The more open it is, the less of a big deal it is.

Of course, there’s also a corollary “teen rule” that says that, no matter where you are, it’s not a good idea for one guy to directly ask out another guy if that guy is under the age of around 20, since the guy may not know what he is or might not be out yet.

But both these rules are superseded by the “GSA exception,” where it becomes okay to assume a hot guy might be gay if he’s attending the same GSA as you. Still, keep in mind the “questioning caveat,” where most GSAs want to make it comfortable for straight and questioning boys to attend, so it’s not cool to assume a guy is gay just because he’s attending a GSA.

Got all that? No? Then let me boil it down.

First, you could just ask if he wants to go out. Since you met in a GSA, it’s okay to think there’s a strong chance he’s gay or bi – and he obviously won’t freak out if he’s not. But don’t directly ask if he’s gay – that’s not a fair question to ask any sophomore.

You could also just ask him to go out for coffee, or a movie, or just to hang out. Again, you met in a GSA, so the unstated expectation should be that if he’s not interested in you romantically, he’ll tell you (even if he doesn’t have to tell you why).

If agrees to hang out, and if you hit it off, and if he still doesn’t give you any hint if he’s gay or bi, well, he pretty much has to be very understanding if you hope for the best and try to kiss him goodnight.

P.S. He sounds dreamy. And if you don’t ask him out, someone else will!

Dear Pigeon Guts: I'm a 24-year-old law student from Texas. I was teased relentlessly in elementary and junior high school about being "gay" and a "faggot." Accordingly, when I was in fourth grade, I used our new computer and internet connection to look up gay, and found gay porn. My dad tried to correct this behavior by showing me straight porn, then promptly cut off internet access. Every time I ended up getting unrestricted access to the web again, I looked at gay porn. My parents finally took me to the psychologist who had helped me with a slew of childhood issues, but then my parents stopped when they decided she condoned homosexuality and was too “liberal.”

I came out when as a 19-year-old college student on the East Coast after I had (what seemed to me to be) a torrid affair with an Australian foreign exchange student. Unfortunately, I didn't ever get to deal with it, as my parents secretly read my emails and confronted me that following summer, even threatening to send me to a Focus on the Family counselor. My dad also tried to take me to strip club where he knew a girl he could pay to have sex with me. Needless to say, the damage was done, and it has not since been repaired. Both parents have eerily become more devout Christians since then.

In any case, one of my summer jobs was at a boys' summer camp, where I met a friend who I had the HUGEST crush on and who everyone agreed was straight. Wrong. Sparing the messy details of our “friendship,” he eventually advised me to join Manhunt because it would help me open up to gay people, as I had few gay friends and had only been intimate with one guy. But as I'm sure you're well aware, such sites are double-edged swords.

I became the debauched Mr. Hyde to my previous prudish Dr. Jekyll. A hundred or so guys later (unfortunately), I've finally reached the other side. I've done many things, of which I'm not proud, including a few instances of unsafe sex in the not so distant past, and which I'm sure were inspired by self-loathing, lack of confidence, and a mild death wish. The process of meeting guys online, hooking up, and starting over again, was a self-perpetuating cycle of self-loathing, fear, and anger. I still had relatively few gay friends, and the "A"-gays on campus were complete catty, bitches to me. I had a few people I truly cared about and trusted, but I, in turn, grew to rely on them too much, and when they were unavailable or tired of me, such circumstances only fueled my online debauchery.

I know I have a lot to offer. I have a biting wit and can easily defuse tense situations with humor. I appreciate literature, music, and art, I really am quite amiable, and, what I consider to be my greatest gift, I'm unreservedly devoted to my friends and those I love. But my big heart has freaked MANY a boy out, and I'm also so hopelessly average looks-wise -- slim-to-average build, brown-haired, brown-eyed, plain, WASP-y WASP -- which, somewhat ironically, also managed to fuel my internet skankery: "I'm not good enough or attractive enough for anyone to see me as boyfriend material, so I'm just going to have massive amounts of sex" -- any way you look at it, it just doesn't make sense.

So now, almost seven years after coming out to myself and to others, and many boys and heartaches later, I'm a graduate student spending the summer working in Europe. I honestly feel like I'm on a different planet from where I was before (in a good way).

Yet something still nags at me. I have quite a few "close" friends, straight and gay, but all girls. I have no gay friends other than friends I sporadically keep in contact with from undergrad. I find it easier to be friends with girls (and sometimes straight men), but I cannot be friends with gay men because I will inevitably fall for them. As of yet, I have not had a boyfriend, or anything close.

What I'm worried about is that I'm isolating myself from my community. I feel constantly alone, but for the most part, I feel like this is how I'm supposed to be, that I'm not meant to find someone (probably because I've only ever been received that way -- no one has ever expressed interest in actually dating me for non-sexual purposes). I find myself secretly (and sometimes not so secretly) resenting those who bullied me my freshman year (OF COLLEGE) and came out senior year and get long-term boyfriends, while I'm off in gay purgatory. I often find myself wondering whether I'm emotionally and psychologically stunted from the trauma I endured in my not-so-successful coming out process. Am I a closet homophobe for avoiding and resenting successful, actually well-adjusted gay men? Do I need to cook longer in the gay oven?

Is it possible to be gay, appreciate and (at least moderately) respect yourself, be a shy and reserved yet also very social animal, and be perpetually single, not ever ready to date?

I'm sure your response will be, "Wow... you need to see a therapist." I guess I've answered my own question: I'm emotionally stunted. – B, Across the Atlantic

The Pigeon Guts Speak:
“Any way you look at it, it just doesn't make sense”? On the contrary, I think it makes a hell of a lot of sense.

 Your parents abused you. They screwed up in the worst possible way. You were a completely normal kid – a normal kid who was desperately in need of support, protection, and unconditional love, since you definitely weren’t getting it at school.

But your “Christian” parents didn’t give you what you desperately needed. Instead, they taught you to hate and be ashamed of yourself, to hide and lie. They also invaded your privacy, making you feel like you weren’t safe from their judgment even when you were alone. How cruel were they? They held out the possibility that they might “love” you – but only if you changed yourself in a way that is fundamentally impossible.

Is it any wonder you’re acting and feeling the way you are? Your parents gave you very specific lessons in how to deal with gay men, the internet, and yourself – and you’re following them to the letter.

As for your problems in relationships and even friendships, I’m reading “big heart” as “undefined sense of self.” It sounds like you have boundary issues, probably because you’re desperate for the unconditional love you never got from your parents.

But that’s all the bad news. The good news – and it’s really, really good news – is that you’re not that kid anymore. Your parents don’t have any more power or control over you.

They don’t! Think about it: if your dad wanted to take away your internet access now, could he? How? You’re an adult – now you get to decide whether you should have internet access and what you want to do with it.

Well, guess what? You get to decide everything else for yourself now too!

Yes, I absolutely think you need to see a therapist. You have some emotional problems. So what? There’s nothing shameful is that – it’s not any more shameful than if you had a cut that needed stitches. The better question is why haven’t you gone already? You say you went years ago, and it helped you enormously.

I think, even now, you’re giving your parents way too much power over your life. This is completely understandable, given your background.

But your parents have already proven several times over they don’t deserve to have any power over you. So stop giving it to them. Screw them!

Yes, this is all easier said than done. But you know what? You’re not the first person to have extremely s**tty parents, and you’re not going to be the first person to get yourself together and take enormous satisfaction from the fact that you were able to leave those ignorant a**holes far, far behind you.

As for Manhunt, the problem isn’t that hookup site – it’s you, the vicious horny feedback loop you’ve let yourself get caught up in. One thing is certain: it’s making you miserable, and your feelings of self-hatred and shame are not only keeping you from finding love, they’re putting you at risk for HIV/AIDS.

So what do you do? It seems to me you have two choices: ditch the shame and massively adjust your attitude about hook-up sex (and also figure out a practical, realistic way to always practice safe hookup sex). Or cancel your membership. If nothing else, this might force you to start looking for love in all the right places – like online sites that are about dates and relationships, not just sex.

Bottom line? You’re self-fulfilling your own prophecy at this point: you parents convinced you you’re unlovable, so you’re doing to damnedest to make sure you never will be loved.

You’re a really, really smart guy, and you already know everything I’m telling you: I’m just repeating what you told me in your letter.

So why haven’t you acted on this knowledge you already possess? Because it’s going to be hard to do? But didn’t you just finish tell me how miserable your life already is?

Do a cost-benefit analysis here. What do you have to lose? Sure, some time and money. But what do you have to gain? All the things your parents stole from, starting with your Goddamn life, but also the possibility of love and happiness.

You can do this. I really, really want you to do it. But the only one who can make it happen is you.

Write back and let us know how it’s going, okay?

Need life advice? Contact me here (and be sure and include your city and state and/or country!)