Is Sexting "Cheating?"

Today: The Pigeon Guts reveal their wisdom on all things advice-related, including: my dad hates me, but I can't leave, so what do I do?

Need life advice? Contact me here (and be sure and include your city and state and/or country!) 

Dear Pigeon Guts: I think that "sexting" by married or committed partners is cheating if it's a secret thing because sexualized secrets can be unhealthy. What do you and your guts tell you? – Art

The Pigeon Guts Speak:
I'm not so sure. I think a lot of it depends on the stated or unstated "rules" of the relationship. And when the rules are left unstated, things are complicated in sexual grey areas like this.

A lot of couples even have something of a deliberate “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy on sexual matters, where one or the other partner senses that something like this might be going on, but chooses not to pursue the truth. In this case, the partner is kinda communicating to the other partner that they don’t really want to know the truth.

In these cases, I think it’s much, much harder to make any claim of “cheating.”

General rule? I have a hard time calling masturbation, pornography, webcamming, sexting, and other sexual activities that don’t involve actual sexual contact “cheating.”

But I see two big caveats.

The activities have to be completely risk-free. If one partner is making stupid or irresponsible sexual choices that could affect his or her career or life – like, say, Anthony Weiner – those choices also affect the other partner. To be kept in the dark on activities like these is the same as secretly gambling money from a joint account. It's massively unfair.

And the activities can't involve any deep emotional attachment. If sexting or chatting or webcamming involves the same person over and over again, it seems to me it might cross a line – even in those “don’t ask, don’t tell” cases.

Yeah, yeah, the person could argue that he never ever would’ve actually "met" the person, and that it’s technically not “sex.” But what if two people met repeatedly in a hotel room and bonded and masturbated together, but didn't actually touch? How is cyber sex different?

It seems to me that the whole point of two people agreeing to be "monogamous" in the first place is that they’ve decided to steer completely clear of the complications of an “open” relationship – and the real risks that come when you throw in the unknown variable of other romantic relationships into the partnership. So if someone is adding that risk in a serious, ongoing way, but the other person doesn’t know it, yeah, that strikes me as a form of cheating.

Trying to argue otherwise? You're soon reduced to making it one of those “spirit of the law” versus “letter of the law” things – and this supposed to be a relationship based on trust and love. Once you start down that road, it’s a good bet that you’re the one in the wrong.

Dear Pigeon Guts: I'll be 22 in a month and I'm seeing someone who just turned 16. I didn't seek this but I also didn't stop it. We haven’t had sex yet – we’ve done some stuff. We care a lot about each other and it feels right but I keep feeling like I'm a bad person. Any advice? – Via Phone

The Pigeon Guts Speak:
The most important thing you need to know is the age of consent where you live. In most of the United States, that age is 16, but it’s 17 in some places, and 18 in others (like California). In Canada, the age is 16 – although, weirdly, it’s 18 for anal sex.

You'd be absolutely insane to even consider violating this. You’d be committing statutory rape, which could land you in prison and (even worse) label you a “registered sex offender” (a child molester!) for the rest of your life.

Also keep in mind that a 16-year-old is still a minor. Is he out? Does his parents know the two of you are dating – and are they okay with it?

Yeah, yeah, every situation is different, and people need to be judged as individuals. But truthfully? This seems to me to be waaaaaaay more trouble than it’s worth.

Dear Pigeon Guts: I'm a recent college grad and am currently living with my parents until I can find a job and a place to live. Which is a pretty common situation in this economy, I'm aware. Unfortunately, in my case, my father hates me. And I am really sick of hearing “your father does not hate you he just loves you in his own weird way” by people who do not know him. He literally hates me. He's only letting me stay at his house because he wants to look like a charitable man taking in his awful child. He thinks me shallow, brainless, evil, manipulative (which trust me, I could not be if I tried), and blames an absurd amount of his problems on me. He sees my brothers as the “good” ones, since my brothers are straight and successful and one of them is even married. To him, I am evidence that he failed in part at fathering. Because I am not straight and I do not have the same values as him. He's treated me terrible for many years, but having to live with him again is really killing me. Literally. I've been hurting myself and seriously contemplating suicide.

Where does a twentysomething in small town Ohio go? I have no options but to live with him. And even with job offers, I have no money to move to the places where the job offers are. My friends are too far away from me for me to get to them, and I have no friends here (because I was bullied in high school, of course! My few high school friends escaped to bigger and better lives!).

My mom is unhappy in her marriage, but never takes my advice about leaving, because she's too scared. Now I’m a villain with my father for encouraging her to leave, and a villain to my mother for telling her to woman up and leave her jerkass husband, and my brothers think I’m crazy and a trouble-maker. Yet, I am stuck here. I'm desperate. I'm so tired of being told I'm worthless and that I'm ruining the family. -- Rex, Ohio

The Pigeon Guts Speak:
I believe your dad hates you. But reread your own letter. If you weren’t you, what would you advise? What is it you’re advising your own mother?

You need to leave. Yesterday. It’s not nearly as difficult as you’re making it sound. How do I know this? Because people have been getting away from f**ked up family situations for as long as there have been, well, families. You can’t see this right now because you’re depressed. But it’s the truth – and you’ll see how obvious it is once you get the hell out of dodge.

Your college friends are too far away? That’s an excuse. Do you have any idea how cheap a Greyhound bus ticket is? Explain to your friends what’s going on – and when they agree to let you come and crash on their floor, stay with them until you find a job catering or temping. Then get your own room somewhere and get started on your new life.

That won’t work for some reason? Okay, I don’t know what your specific solution is, but I know there is one. And the fact that you haven’t found it says to me that you’re more enmeshed in your dysfunctional family dynamic than you’re willing to admit. I suspect that, unconsciously, the reason you wrote to me was so I could tell you just that.

Really want to help your mom? Set a good example and follow your own advice: leave this suffocating family situation now.

P.S. If you’re seriously considering suicide, please reach out to someone. Try a local suicide hotline or the GLBT youth Trevor Project. They can also put you in touch with other resources.

Need life advice? Contact me here (and be sure and include your city and state and/or country!)