Can You Be Addicted to Sex Hook-Up Sites?

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Dear Pigeon Guts: I’m 20, and and I am not fully out yet to friends and family. Some know, some suspect, some are waiting for me to tell them, the rest don’t know.

I’ve recently entered the world of online dating sites to sort of check out if it could help me meet more people, especially the “right person.” I'm also into volunteering and am part of several youth groups, although not gay-focused ones, so I’m hoping to meet someone through there too. I'm not into the gay scene and clubbing regularly.

As a result of these sites, I’ve had a few one-off encounters to satisfy short-term desires. Should I continue this if I'm searching for a kind, honest and caring guy to be with? I know I won’t find what I want if it’s just sex, but in your earlier columns you mentioned that this is the kind of trap people fall into. I guess I'm asking, if I am in the process of finding a long-term relationship, do I take a short term option for now? Frankly, I think I’m becoming addicted, although part of me also thinks it might also just be the initial rush of excitement.

Also, how fast should you proceed with meeting guys from dating sites online? Do you meet them after just a one night chat for coffee? If you are meeting someone, do you also arrange to meet another guy at once? What if it goes well with both guys? Also do you think before I try and arrange for anything to happen, I should hold it off till I am fully out to all of those who matter to me first? -- J, New Zealand

The Pigeon Guts Speak:
You’ve asked a lot of really difficult questions and one really easy one. So I’ll answer the easy one first: never meet more than one guy at a time. There’s a reason why this scenario has been comic fodder for a thousand sitcoms – and why the guy who does it always gets a cream pie in the face.

The other questions? Can you be addicted to online hook-ups? Some people say no – that all this talk of “sex addiction” is just more moral disapproval of different sexual styles dressed up in the psychobabble of the age.

I think there’s a grain of truth to this. But still: is there really anyone who wants to argue that sex doesn’t sometimes make people do really stupid things? Sex is a really, really powerful reward. So it makes sense to me that a person could develop all kinds of unhealthy, self-destructive associations with it.

But are online hookups “self-destructive,” at least if your goal is a long-term relationship? That’s sort of the question of your email, isn’t it?

Well, it’s also the question in the GLBT community. Lots of people have a lot of different answers. Basically, this is something you have to figure out for yourself, based on yourself. Learning about yourself is part of what your 20s are all about.

That said, here’s my take: if you’re looking for a long-term relationship, recreational sex can be – can be! – a serious distraction. It can satisfy your sexual needs so completely that you’re much less likely to devote the energy it takes to find an actual relationship.

And it can create a lot of those unhealthy sexual associations that make it harder to be satisfied with "relationship" sex (that the partner must always be new and exciting, that seduction and foreplay are boring and pointless, that sex isn't about emotional intimacy and should maybe even be "dangerous").

It's possible these hookups are harmless (as long as you're having very safe sex). For most of the gay and bi men who do them, they seem to be a phase. And truthfully, I'm impressed that you're smart enough to be looking for true love in places where you're much more likely to find it – like volunteer work.

But listen to your gut. Do you think these hook-ups are inferring in your search for true love? And you say you've only done a "few" hook-ups, and then you later say you're worried you're "addicted." If you really only have done a few, it sounds like your issue is guilt. But if you've done a lot more than that, your issue might be self-deception.

As for how long you should “wait” to have sex when meeting a new date? That also depends on knowing yourself, but as for me, the longer I waited (and like our own JT Riley, when I was single, I had a "four-date" rule), the better both the sex and the relationship was – within reason, of course!

Oh Pigeon Guts! I recently met this incredible guy who makes me the happiest guy in the world! The smile, the personality, the body, the whole package! Problem being he's Muslim. And an avid one at that. Prayer five times a day, strict Ramadan and Halal diet, no girlfriends before marriage. The works. He knows I'm gay and has no problem with it, and in fact told me he enjoyed having a gay friend to talk to, since he himself can be a bit effeminate at times. He's also a bit more handsy than most of my other friends, which leads me to think he might have a bit of a bi-curious streak in him, at the least. Now, while he's perfectly tolerant of homosexuality, he's worried that if he "seems too gay" he'll get shunned from the Muslim community. For example, when I suggested he should wear skinny jeans, his reply was: "People think I'm gay already, I'll get bashed!" And when I subtly asked him about his sexuality he said "I'm not gay -- I'm Muslim, I can't be." My question is: Should I try to get him to explore his sexuality a bit more? If he's happy with the way things are at the moment, am I just being selfish? I'm fairly certain he's not gay, but I'm also fairly certain he's not completely straight. I don't know, please enlighten! -- Adan, Australia

The Pigeon Guts Speak:
Years ago, I dated this great guy. After he dumped me, I moaned to a friend: “He’s the perfect guy for me! He’s smart, sensitive, athletic, totally hot, confident-but-not-cocky, and impulsive-without-being-irresponsible!”

“Yeah,” my friend said, “but he’s not in love with you.”

In other words, my “perfect” boyfriend had a pretty big “but.” Which means he wasn’t the perfect guy for me at all.

Your potential new boyfriend has a big “but” too – namely, that he’s not out, he may not even be gay, and he has no interest in exploring the “gay” thing (on the contrary, he’s got some really good reasons to never explore it!).

Oh, and there’s also the fact that his family, his culture, and the religion he’s devoted to and all telling him not to be gay!

In fact, it’s honestly hard for me to imagine a worse potential boyfriend. This guy has tons of baggage to unpack before he might even potentially be capable of a mature relationship. You’d be a complete idiot to expect otherwise.

Hell, I wouldn’t even encourage this guy to explore his sexuality as a friend – not until he indicates he’s open to the advice.

Be a true friend to this guy: let him live his life on his own timetable. He has you as an example of an out gay man in his life, and he has your number, so don’t call him, he’ll call you.

Need life advice? Contact me here (and be sure and include your city and state and/or country!)